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Been awhile, therapist problems. (Kind of long) - November 3rd 2009, 04:34 AM

It's been awhile since I've been on this site but I find myself in need of advice once again and I don't really know many other places to turn that have this level of...I guess secrecy.
I've been seeing a therapist (my 3rd appointment is Friday) and we've started me on DBT for my supposed borderline personality disorder, he says it might help with some other issues I have as well but I'm really failing to see how.
Anyways, everytime I'm talking with him, or he's talking to me rather because I'm way to anxious to really participate, I keep getting these thoughts stuck in my head. I try to pay attention to what he's saying, and I try to not think of them but they're stuck there. I'm pretty sure my OCD is back, it went away for so long but suddenly it's been bothering me again. Whenever he talks to me I keep seeing him naked, and kissing me, and touching me and me doing things to him. Now, I'm not homophobic or anything, quite the contrary I'm all for equal rights regardless of sexuality and all that but, it's just that I'm not gay. I can't stop thinking these things though, they just get stuck in my head and I can't think of anything else and it's driving me insane.
I know I should probably tell him about it, he is a therapist after all and he's probably heard it before but still, it's just so awkward and embarrassing that I can't bring myself to say anything about it to him.
My anxiety and depression has also been flaring up again and I'm just too shy and anxious to say anything to him. He keeps telling me what a good job I'm doing and how much progress I've been making and all that kind of positive reenforcement kind of stuff but I think it's doing more harm than good. Now I feel like I can't talk about any of the things that have been bothering me lately with him because I feel like I'd be letting him down. Everything has been making me anxious lately, being out in public, taking the train, driving, etc.. If I'm waiting for the train I keep worrying that people might fall on the tracks or that they might jump out in front of it, or someone might push them or I might accidentally bump them or they might bump me, there's just countless scenarios that play out in my head for every situation that I just find myself worrying about me and everyone around me to the point where I'm on alert watching everyone ready to keep some terrible thing from happening.
And I keep getting depressed over and over again, it's like I'm depressed for a long time and then there's a week where I feel fine. Then it all happens again. I'm at a loss as to what this is, I've had doctors tell me it's just depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality. None of them really fit me quite right and it's just bothering me that nobody seems to be able to help me. And when I get really depressed I start to hear a voice, which I actually did tell this therapist. He's the first person I've told since I was 17, but even he doesn't know what to do about it because they can't find me a psychiatrist to talk to.

I'm just at a complete loss here. I don't know what I should be doing, I don't know what's wrong with me. I kind of feel like giving up all over again but I know that won't solve anything.
Sorry this ended up a lot longer than I meant it to be.


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Re: Been awhile, therapist problems. (Kind of long) - November 3rd 2009, 09:17 PM

I'm sorry.. this seems frustrating. You really should tell your therapist all that stuff.. I know it's much easier said than done. Can you maybe write him a note with all this stuff and give it to him as soon as you see him Friday? I've done that a few times when I have trouble telling my therapist things. Try to hold on for right now. Sorry I'm not the best at advice but I'd love to talk to you.. PM me if you want. I can do my best to help.
   
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Re: Been awhile, therapist problems. (Kind of long) - November 5th 2009, 06:54 AM

FWIW, coming from a counselor in training, opening up about your issues to him will not be letting him down. The positive reinforcement is a way of building self confidence and rapport. As therapists, we are taught to work on the issues that a client is willing to work on, and not press too hard on issues that a client is not willing to work on. So, don't worry about letting him down.

As far as the thoughts about him and you, those are likely a symptom of something. As I am not licensed and therefore not qualified, I'm not going to say the possibilities of what I think it might be, but there are a number of things it could be attributed to. As awkward as it may be, sharing the thoughts with him could give him more insight and help direct a diagnosis. If he does believe you have schizophrenia or a related disorder, then a psychiatrist is a must. Schizophrenia is one of the few disorders where medications are, in my opinion, a must.
   
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Re: Been awhile, therapist problems. (Kind of long) - November 6th 2009, 05:28 AM

I'd like to know what they could be a symptom of.
I've been told I have OCD, borderline personality, social anxiety, dysthymia, and major depression.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning, and I want to tell him about all this. I want to tell him I'm feeling depressed again and that I think my OCD is coming back and all that but I don't think I can.
I just feel like I'm losing control all over again.


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Re: Been awhile, therapist problems. (Kind of long) - November 6th 2009, 06:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by LaFin View Post
I'd like to know what they could be a symptom of.
I've been told I have OCD, borderline personality, social anxiety, dysthymia, and major depression.
There are a number of things it could be a symptom of, some of which you have not received a previous diagnosis for. But, like I said, I am not a licensed mental health professional (yet), so it is not my place to speculate.

Now, I'm curious, have you been diagnosed with all of those by one therapist? I ask because, although it does happen, being diagnosed with dysthymia and major depression is relatively rare. If they have been diagnosed by different clinicians, don't assume you have all of them because sometimes clinicians will attribute the same symptoms to a different disorder (just like in medicine, and really even moreso, diagnosis is an imperfect science).

Case in point, I know someone who repeatedly woke up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. She was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and medication was recommended. The cause of her waking up and being unable to breathe? She is allergic to down, and she had a down pillow.
   
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Re: Been awhile, therapist problems. (Kind of long) - November 6th 2009, 10:49 PM

I was diagnosed with all of those by my last psychiatrist. After she diagnosed me with borderline she said she couldn't help me anymore, gave me a phone number to call when I felt suicidal again and stopped seeing me.
She said that the dysthymia was kind of like my normal mood, which she figured I was a little depressed all the time, and that after a bit it gets bad enough to be major depression and sometimes hospitalized, and then it goes back to my normal slightly depressed mood and starts all over again and cycles like that. She figures I've been like that since I was 8 but I don't know if I really agree with it. There are times when I feel like I'm in a normal mood, and there are times when I'm fairly happy and feel excited that can last a week. That's why she thought I had bipolar at one point, but then she decided that the times where I feel good aren't hypomania and it's just me being happy and because nobody is really used to me being happy they thought it was strange and part of an illness.
But yah, that's pretty much how it was described to me because I thought it was weird too and questioned it. I had always thought you couldn't be diagnosed with more than one mood disorder.


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