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emmenollie Offline
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I know this may sound insane... - February 16th 2010, 12:06 AM

but I don't do this anymore but, still have like temptations to do it. Umm so a past thread i posted i talked about how i daydream. i still do and want to evetually get rid of it. I've kinda accepted it and made sure it didnt interfere with my life too much. so the thing i have a question about is that i like to daydream about dating my celebrity crush(like who doesnt) and i like to daydream about being older, and having the job i want when i get older, and singing onstage(even though i cant sing for my life) but 2 years ago i had an anxiety problem and it got better and i was semidepressed and i tended to daydream about having illnesses, such as cancer, or diabetes, or deafness, all this weird stuff. Sometimes what i do now is imagine having a daughter(i want kids but not now so i daydream about having them later on) and she is deaf, i dont know why i do that but we talk sign lanugage and all this stuff, its soo weird. what i dont understand is why someone would do that i know its wrong and unusual and i never thought about it at the time but now its weird. you usually daydream about things you want. and i dont really want cancer, but i sometimes get a tad excited when i get sick so i asked my doctor and she said maybe its because i was depressed back then and needed an excuse for it or something like that but now im not depressed anymore and still am sorta tempted to daydream about it but have to stop myself. i have been brainstorming reasons why i would want that and i think maybe these?
  1. i never had an illness EVER in my life, not a broken or sprained bone, except the normal cold and fever i was never really sick or had an illness, im pretty healthy and always have been. so maybe i just want one to see what it feels like(my doctor also said maybe i do it to see what it would feel like to have cancer or be deaf)
  2. maybe i want attention, like a couple years ago i went to the doctor to get xrays for scoliosis and i was kinda excited, i kinda wanted a back brace, maybe for the attention, but they said i didnt have it
  3. i want people to feel bad for me, like my imaginary celebrity crush who is "dating" me used to like comfort me and always be there, maybe i want that, i have no idea.
  4. my life hasnt been that bad, which i kinda wish it has because now i know something bad has to happen in my life and im kinda anticipating it so maybe i wish something bad would happen so it could be over with because no ones life is perfect.
  5. maybe i want to spice up my life or make me special somehow. maybe i want something to make me stand out.
I have no idea why i have these tendencies and i hope you can help me. I dont want to intentionally hurt myself because i hate pain and am soo afraid of it, but i dont know why i would want to have an illness. i know im weird.
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Re: I know this may sound insane... - February 16th 2010, 02:33 AM

Hey Marissa,

You're doing some great thinking. I have to be honest, I don't think this is particularly weird at all. You hit the nail on the head--illnesses=attention. And it sounds like in your life, you are craving some attention and support and love. When it comes down to things, we often simplify them. You have simplified this to pick out the "easiest" and most obvious way to get attention--which would be to get sick. Now, I know you don't actually want to be sick because it wouldn't be as glamorous as in your day dream. But I do think that's definitely where it's stemming from.

Remember that an illness makes you different, but not special. By that, I mean, nobody is going to like you more, or love you more, if you were sick. That comes from other things. So, look to build your relationships in healthy ways. People love you for YOU, not for if you're sick or not. Also, it's okay to let people know that you're having a hard time and feel like you're not standing out. Sometimes just getting that extra bit of attention helps to comfort you and reassure you that people do care, even when you're healthy.

I would definitely keep talking to people about this, like your doctor, and be sure to reach out right away if you get an urge to hurt yourself purposely so you can be sick and in the hospital.

Take care of yourself!

"Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

“if nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies”

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Re: I know this may sound insane... - February 16th 2010, 03:50 AM

I'm going to make an assumption here and that assumption is perhaps you don't have many friends or if you do, it's not fulfilling your wants. So, perhaps the attention-craving behavior through wishing to have illnesses is a way to justify your attention seeking. Much of what you wrote doesn't sound unusual, such as standing out, so it may simply be you wanting someone who makes you feel special in your life and in society but haven't found that person. Day-dreaming about future careers sounds completely normal to me and actually "healthy" because it shows you know what you want to do with your life. The attention-seeking behavior may explain why you get excited over possibly having a diagnosis when ill but it's confounded by the fact that it could simply be anticipation of finding out what may account for the current "symptoms".
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