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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
L'espoir Offline
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Name: Jen
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I could really do with some advice/support - February 19th 2010, 07:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I labelled it triggering to be on the safe side

I'm sorry to ask for help like this but I feel really stuck. I don't know what to do really; I feel like there is no point in me even trying anymore. It seems really hopeless and sometimes I feel like going back to my original plan which was suicide. I know it's not the best solution but when there is nothing else I can do maybe it's all there is left.

My main problems are anxiety, feeling low and self harm- to put it simply. I feel like my self harm is caused by the other problems and if they were better then I would self harm less so I am inclined to try and sort the others first. I feel so anxious and worked up all the time, I feel very on edge and restless. A lot of the time it's like "I need to do this and this and this and this" and my thoughts whizz around very fast and i feel overwhelmed by it".

The thing is though, I also feel really low and my body feels heavy so I can't do all the things I feel like i "need" to do and it makes me cry. I have been sleeping in until 1 just so I have less of the day to face. I don't feel like I'm living. I cry every day. I cut my arms so much. I don't think any of this sounds like much but to be honest I don't feel as though I have the words to describe how I feel adequately.

Another part of the anxiety I have isn't just limited to constantly feeling worried. I get even more anxious about certain things. It's things like going out, doing new things, meeting people, talking to people, doing presentations infront of the class etc. Most of these things make it worse and I will spend weeks worrying about them. I get panic attacks and I tend to avoid them a lot because I don't want to feel that worried and get panic attacks.

Some of you already know this, some don't, but I have been going to CAMHS for about a year and a half now. It hasn't made things better really. They were better for a while last year when I was seeing the psychologist weekly but then she left and after a while it all went back to how it was. At the start of january I had a meeting with my case manager and we talked; she said to me that she would sort out weekly support again. Anyway, I got a letter through from a psychiatrist. I saw the psychiatrist the other day and it was a disaster to say the least. I told her everything and I even showed her my arms (which I feel I was tricked into, really) but she said she is discharging me because she says there is no point in me going if I'm not getting better.

So thats that. I'm on my own with it now all because it wasn't better. I really haven't a clue what to do. I feel like I have tried everything and it hasn't worked, I can't do this for much longer and I am sick to death of trying when none of it is working. I honestly just want to give up, this is pretty much my last shot at trying and then thats it because I have nothing else.

If you read this, thank you.
Jen


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I could really do with some advice/support - February 19th 2010, 08:11 PM

Jen,
Reading what you wrote, made me picture myself. I know exactly what you are talking about with the anxiety. It is horrible stuff and sometimes it seems as if there is no way around all of it. Think of this stuff as your own personal challenge in life. Everyone has their own challenges to overcome. Can you find a new psychiatrist? If so the only way you can get help and have it work is by having you want the help, otherwise nothing will work. Does your mom (or mum ) know what you are dealing with. Sometimes it helps to have a parent or family member there for you to support you through this time. You can't do this alone. That is the thing I am working on. You can never get through obstacles alone. You always need someone there to support you and catch you when you fall. Talk to your mom about what is going on in your world. Let someone help you. Let them in on your life. Never give up. Never loose at the game of life. There are always other options. If you need someone to lean on or someone to catch you, you have my MSN, use it well. I am gimped and have no life and spend majority of my time online. I am always here for you. The rest of TH and myself are never giving up on you. Keep fighting through life and don't give up on the small stuff. Love youuu. <3


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and a We in Wellness."
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I could do with some support/advice - February 19th 2010, 08:47 PM

Hi Jen,

I thought I should begin by saying that I just read this and it really touched me. Mostly because I think I can understand how you're feeling. I do, however, want to congratulate you on making it this far; you've escaped your thoughts of suicide and you've tried to get help, I think that's amazing.
God knows, i've been in the position of people wanting me to 'get better'. I just lost my best friend because she finds it too difficult to be around me, it sucks and it makes you feel like you're a failure and alone. You're not, and if I don't promise anything else in my life I promise you that. I can tell from your post that you're considerate and hurting right now, I understand it's difficult, I really do, but there is so much to look forward to in your life.
I'm afraid I can't give you advice, only support, that is, I can empathise, and try to show you how amazing YOU are. It is no detriment to your character that you feel like crap, i know how hard it is to get up and face the day - but you do.
I gave up yesterday, properly. I felt so alone. When you feel like giving up, try another 24 hours, that's what I did. You have to remember that there are so many people here that know you and CARE unconditionally, whether you are feeling terrible or not. I find music or writing helps me - find what helps you and stick at it.
Remember there ARE good days, whether we like it or not, something happens and the cloud is lifted.
Finally, I think you explained your feelings very 'adequately' and your feelings are completely valid, totally valid and for you they're big. Don't let anyone make you feel like your problems are small.
I really hope you feel better soon, even if it's only a little bit. Please PM me or whatever if you want to chat, i'd really love to talk to you.
Take care,

Harriet
x x x



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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I could really do with some advice/support - February 19th 2010, 10:53 PM

Hi Jen!!

I read every word. Two or three times - in fact!!

Trying to response to your message in a helpful way is a struggle for me. Most messages that I respond to [Here at TH and elsewhere] only require that I be sympathetic. But every now and then I have no choice but to also be empathetic. And empathy hits a lot closer to 'home'. Like you - I am feeling very stuck. And like you - I am [once again] toying with the idea of suicide. No one knows that about me - in the 'real world'. [Or anywhere else - for that matter] For I am very much like your profile photo. No matter what is going on with me emotionally - I feel duty bound [For some reason] to go out of my way to make other people feel good about themselves - and about their day. I can see myself going out of my way to cheer someone up as I'm putting a rope around my neck. It's just the way I am. And I don't always like that part of me. People don't care about me as much as I need them to. And part of that is my fault. I tell everyone that I'm 'OK'. And I can smile and 'joke around' and hide any trace of depression and sadness.

And like you - I am often very anxious and panicky. [Meaning every single day] And like you - I get all worked up and wound up and just want the day, the week, the month, my life to end. And like you - I lack the ability to approach a problem or a goal by taking whatever it might be 'one step at a time'. All that has to be done - I see as having to be done RIGHT NOW. And of course - most things simply can not be done RIGHT NOW. You can't wash a car RIGHT NOW!! There are steps you have to take. A huge list could be written out just on what needs to be done to wash a car. [Something as simple as that] So you can just imagine how many steps there are to getting through all of life. [I hope I'm making sense!!]

I am also sleeping my life away. I'm up all night - when it's 'safe'. [No one phones you at night - no one knocks on your door - and so on] I just want to disappear. I'm also deeply in debt and that is really depressing me. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I keep praying for help - but I don't SEEM to be getting any.

Now this response might seem as though I just pushed you aside and made it all about me. And in some ways - that could be said. But because I don't really have any good advice to give you - I was hoping that maybe you would find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone - that someone in this world can indeed empathize with you - and with what you're going through.

GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
   
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