Triggering: Losing my sanity

[Chaos Theory]

Literally, I am definitely losing my sanity.

In my most honest opinion, I am a relatively nice person. I am willing to help anyone who seeks my help. I have helped many people with their homework and their various endeavor with life. I have done many acts of random kindness (Just today I helped someone to find and escort her way around our huge campus). I was a Boy Scout when I was a little boy, and I take the lesson of putting others before myself to heart. If there is anything I can do to even remotely improve someone's day, I will do so.

But lately, I have recurring thoughts of murdering, not myself, but other random people. I am angry, very angry. I hate my life, and now everyone else even if they have done no harm to me. I want to inflict untold pain and agony on random people, so they know what I have been through. I want the world to suffer. I want the world to be destroyed one day. I don't care if there is a hell and there is one reserve place for me. I don't care. I want everyone else to experience my sufferance. When has anyone considered my feeling? Why should I keep considering the feeling of others if everyone is going to step over me and ignore my existence? Why is the world like this to me, always bringing me down every day? This will be the way for me to get back at this cruel world.

The two problems I can identify is that, I have no friends, no one wants to speak to me, and stress from high academic expectation. Since I migrated to America, no one has really want to be my close friend. All of my "friend" have since abandoned me and seek "cooler" or "chiller" friends. One of my close friend single-handedly ruined my prom experience. I hate that. Some people used me to finish their homework and forget me afterwards. I am used for whatever purpose they see fit. I hate it, but what choice do I have? That, perhaps is the only social connection I have. Now that I am in college, I never talk to these people anymore. And no one bothers to see me as a human and befriend me. It is like I carry a contagious plague. No one likes me. No one welcomes my presence.

The only thing I know now, is that, everyone is evil, they seek to harm me in whatever ways they can.

I used to be physically punished when I was younger. One time I was slapped so hard my face was bleeding. And I want to deliver the same pain to everyone else.

I think I can safely assumed I am halfway going down to insanity.

[Jen]

Hey Marco,

You're really brave for saying all this and being honest about what's going on. It certainly does sound like you're very angry, and rightfully so. You've been through a lot, and have had people consistently let you down and hurt you. That understandably evoked a lot of anger from you.

It's really important that you reach out to someone, Marco. You need to talk to someone, and get some help, before you do something that is going to end you up in jail or even worse. It sounds like your parents might not be the best people to talk to, but reach out to a teacher, guidance counselor, religious official, any adult. Tell them everything that you told us here, and let them know that you need some help. I know that revenge seems like the best option, but it will end up harming you, too. It's not worth it.

Hang in there, Marco.
<3

[ThePunkAlien]

I can completely understand where your coming from. I almost killed somebody when I was thirteen and thought about getting back at people throughout High School. Somehow I made it through. I'm still really angry and hold resentment towards people. I'm a lot like Batman in that sense. The 'tests' suck dude, they do and there's no doubt about that - but, I like to think they give a person a sense of survival. We can survive anything whereas others who haven't been tested will probably be the first to die off because they've had it easy.

It also depends on what area you're in. I consider many people in the areas I grew up to be inhuman, just trash there to make me invisible. I went out to LA, a place where I felt at home, and for some reason - I was finally part of the pack; took me a while to learn this and acknowledge it because I was used to these "inhuman monsters disguised as humans" I had spent the majority of my life around... so it could just be the place you are in too. Because, others are free to argue, certain places are just breeding grounds for jerks and you might be stuck in one of them... but, then move out - find the place that's home to you. You'd love city life - nyc, California, Florida; I've even heard Texas has great people rather than jerks too due to being raised with high morals instead of being judgmental.

Things'll get better man. I used to have the same outlook as you, merely couple years ago, so I know what it's like - now I see there's a bigger world out there and you can & will find your place. Be strong, you are strong for surviving - stronger than most - this might sound corny, but use what you have for good; no one wants to be the bad guy, no matter how tempting it might be.

[glittermist]

Hi Marco.
I definitely can empathise with you to an extent. It does suck being on the receiving end of other people's crap all of the time but you have to realise that being bitter and resentful towards other people because of your life experiences will get you NO WHERE. Life on this earth is much too short to hold such grudges. A lot of the people you will come across will probably be idiots; because the world is full of ignorant, judgemental, and senseless idiots. You can't escape that. You just have to be better than that, rise above the crap and you will move forward - i guarantee it. You need to direct this anger and hatred towards something positive - because being like this won't change what happened to you in the past, it will just fuel you on and for what? Nothing can be achieved through violence.

You desperately need to talk to a counsellor about all of this. The feelings you're having bubbling up inside of you need to find release; before you act on them. I'm not saying things are that easy to solve or to find closure because believe me they are not - you need to work on it though, invest your time and effort into making a difference because deep down i know that you really just crave some love and affection and dude; you will ultimately get that. It's just a matter of putting yourself out there and presenting yourself in the best possible light. Be you, no one can fault you for that and if they do they are not worth knowing. Like i said, rise above it. You are worth it and strong and there's definitely someone out there for you who will appreciate you.

Take care!

[Chaos Theory]

I really do want to talk to someone about this, but the problem is I am so swarmed with work that I literally have no time to eat or sleep. Literally. I eat only once a day now and I am trying to get naps whenever I can during the day if I can afford it because my sleep pattern is so irregular.

I lived in Hong Kong before I come to U.S. I love city life, and I really want to go to a city and work in am advance laboratory doing cutting edge stuff. But I have to take care of my parents, I can't just leave my family behind. They won't be doing so well if I am not around. I live in a really pathetic town, and I really want to move out of it.

I am being myself all the time, and in all honesty I think I am a relatively friendly and nice person. Everyone seems to hate me. No one likes me anymore. They don't even take the consideration that I am a human and I need people to give me the slightest damn. No one do. I hate this so much, I hate every "ignorant, judgemental, and senseless idiots", I hate the way they are, I want them gone. Every one of them.

I don't know anymore.

[shiftenter]

I know what you mean even f i havent gone through exactly the same things.. i moved to Chile about 3 years ago and i hate it here so much i just dont know how ill survive. i thought people would accept me, be nice in return if i was nice to them. thats how the world should work right? but guess what? it dosent- now dont get me wrong- im not trying to be negative or saying that everyone is bad because theyre not. people took advantage of me but i think they didnt even realize it, realy its just like instinct. so step 1- you DONT have to be so nice!! say no once in a while- stand up for yourself! do favors for people u like or that do them in return. also if someone pisses you off tell them- get mad(dont hit them or anything but tell them to f*** off)
little things build up inside you if you dont let them out. trust me i know. also if you are going through a hard time you NEED sleep. Anger, frustration ect. also sorts its self out in your sleep so the more emotion youre feeling the more sleep you need. also would it realy hurt if you just dropped ONE course??

[WillO'Wisp]

I would first like to say I'm very sorry for the bad things you've experienced.
Secondly, I want to applaud you and say it's awesome how you have done many good deeds for people and are so thougtful and sweet. You are still that sweet, thoughtful person, you are just angry and feeling alot of emotional strain right now possibly because your life isn't going the way it should and things are stressing you out, bad things that have been happening.
I say this because I know the feeling, I've felt exactly like you have before and those feelings have persisted because you are depressed, and it turns into anger, and you start to feel bitterness towards people and want to shut the world out. Those people are not your friends, they are back-stabbing liars who do not deserve your friendship. I've had back-stabbers like that in my life but wat better friends come along in the long run. If you can't talk to any friends or family, isn't there a School Councillor or a Psychiatrist you can seek?

[Chaos Theory]

It does matter if I drop one course, since a Ch.E. major has a really intense curriculum. I will easily fall behind if I don't get a move on these class. I really don't think there is nice people anymore, at least around me. I unfortunately go to a party college and I just don't mix well with these people (I don't drink, period), which sucks because I am so close to my dream school but I didn't make it, but anyways. Every time I look at one of these drunkards or skanks or idiots walking around, I am immediately enraged. I can't help but want to do the most harm to them. Why are those jerks having much more friends and enjoying their life while I am suffering? I don't understand how this rotten world runs.

I don't want my parents to know or else they won't let me have the end of it. How will they feel if they realize their most prized possession is psychoatic? There isn't anyone I can really talk to...because no one gives a sweet damn about me. It is me alone, against the whole world. The only thing I can see are people doing me more harm everytime I drop my guard down. I am sick of it. I want everyone else to rot in hell.

I can feel my mind is unhinging, my rage response inside me is getting really strong. I already have a mini-breakdown on Fridady that literally almost killed a party next door because I became so violent by myself in my room. They were loud, and I want to go over there and attack them.