Non-PG13 (Strong Language): And snap, it's all gone.

[ouo]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me anymore. I've always been able to know what's wrong with me, but now?

High school has been a roller coaster ride. I have good times that make life really great and times that get so bad, I honestly can't see past my eyelashes. The worst part of it is, the bad times come right when the good times get the best.

Just recently, I was having a pretty okay time in life. I was okay with talking with people again and I was able to keep myself calm and collected. I was able to make friends and I wasn't worried about what I'd say next. My mind was working clearly. I could see my future and I was able to concentrate on my schoolwork. Then something happened while I was hanging out with my friend this weekend. Everything just...went away. My emotions, my concentration, my progress I'd made with other people. It just snapped away so fast.
The day it happened, my friend and I were walking around the town, going to places where my last snap back to depression occurred. I was carrying around a stick that I had found next to a tree where another group of friends and I used to hang out. For some reason, I thought to myself "don't pick it up, those memories that you've made there, they'll be gone". Because these thoughts, I've been taught, are OCD related, I reminded myself that OCD isn't real. I picked up the stick despite my thoughts and dropped it in the area mentioned above where my last depression episode happened. That's when it all snapped.
I can't think clearly and maybe it's the cold I've caught that's making it worse. I'm nervous, jittery, and stupid around everyone again. My creativeness is gone and I've been thinking shallow thoughts. It's hard for me to analyze something and look at it from different angles.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Am I doing this to myself? Am I making myself fall into these episodes? I tell myself "OCD isn't real", but it's getting harder to believe. I seriously don't know what to do. If I'm tricking myself into truly believing this, then how the hell do I stop it? I can't let this go on. I was normal and happy once, why the hell can't I be again?

[annabanana.]

Hey Alyxis,

No one deserves to be feeling like this and I am sorry that you are. Have you spoken to people about how you are feeling? Perhaps they could help - a doctor, counsellor, parent, friend? Try to hold on to the good times.. Remember what it feels like to be happy and keep telling yourself that it will come round soon again.

I understand what you mean about suddenly just snapping. Sometimes I do that and I lose all focus on what I was doing and feeling before. It's like it all suddenly disappears. It's a horrible feeling but you can get through this. The fact you posted shows that you are strong and that you can beat this. I believe you can!

Here for you,
Take care.
Anna