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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Lonely-Reject Offline
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My Shitty Life, Stupid Rant. - March 30th 2010, 12:59 PM

So, Ive had depression a while now.
But i havnt been diagnosed.
Im sure i have it.
-A majority of my family have it (my mum, both grandmas, three aunts, an uncle)
-I had parent issues growing up, when i was younger (split up)
-Police were always around my house. Now my older brother is in prison. I wont see him again for about 10 years.
-My other brother is somewhere in scotland or ireland, but i have no idea which and havnt seen him in about 8 years.
-Even the family i have, all live away from me. I live in another town with my dad alone. I barely see my family.
-My dad dosnt understand anything. He shouts at me, then shotsu at me more for being pathetic when i cry.
-My mums an alcoholic.
-I was bullied since i was young. All through primary school and early secondary school. I had no friends. Nobody to talk to about anything.
-I started scratching myself, in year seven, aged 11.
-Then i started cutting properly with a blade and all in year 8
-People found out and bullied me for it, the school found out.
-My school nurse, Connexions Advisor, and even my GP told me i could do with anti-D's
-My dad wouldnt let me, and was really insensitive to the fact i was cutting.
-I told him i would never do it again. I lied.
-I cut deeper, actually drawing small runs of blood.
-Getting gradually older, i became more pessimistic, and life seemed to be getting worse.
-My dad went into hospital and ended up bedridden for a whilse after a operation, so i had to stay at home all the time to look after him. Thats when it all got worse.
I started losing my friends, and was extremely anti social seeing as i couldnt ever go out. I started finding new ways to hurt myself. As well as now cutting rather deep, I would salt and ice burn my skin and tell people it was the oven. I was drinking with myself in my house, and i had taken up smoking. I started cutting so deep that i could see flesh in my legs.


Now everything has seemed to be getting better, ive got an amazing boyfriend who i love so much, but he feels he dosnt do as much as he should to help me, but he cant help. I was getting good grades at school.
But now, ive gone downhill again. About two weeks ago i overdosed on paracetomol and almost died. Since then ive been depressed as hell.
I have started smoking again, and am fighting strong urges to cut.
I cry ALOT. Ive started crying uncontrollably, so i cry in public at random times. Ive never done that before. I dont have good grades anymore, and ive got 70% of my detentions in the past fortnight. I dont do my work, and i piss at the teacher (get angry at). Im failing. My life is becoming more and more worthless.

But nobody knows any of that.
Nobody.
I cant talk to my friends, because i have trust problems and i think theyre going to tell people, and most of it is my 'old life' when i lived with my mum. Ive started a new life living with my dad, new people, and no history.
I want anti depressants, but my dad thinks theyre 'unnecessary' and dosnt want drugsin my body.
I cant tell him the truth about how bad ive been doing, because he would probably send me back to my mums, which would be devastating and i would be even more depressed.
But if i told my mum, she couldnt do anything since i dont live there.
Im warming to the idea of counselling, since i think i might need it, but i jsut want any help i can get. But at themoment that seems like none.

I dont know what to do, i want to be happy, but i cant.
I jsut need some help ><

This is just me ranting, and i dont relaly expect anyone to read it or reply, but if you do, thanks.
Most of this is jsut crappy thinking, i always end up kinda free writing on here.
But yeahhh :S :S
:(




Is it right to believe?
Even if the belief isn't?



Last cut: 20/01.10
It can be overcome.
Just keep believing.



YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My Shitty Life, Stupid Rant. - April 1st 2010, 09:46 AM

One thing with diagnosing any mental illness is taking into consideration the environmental factors, which in your case you've mentioned plenty. For example, if someone's father dies and they're mourning and sad for 2 weeks then diagnosing them with depression would not be correct. The same applies for you, the environmental factors have to be sorted out before one can start diagnosing you with any mental illness.

Does your school have a school counselor? If so, try them. Otherwise, there are intervention programs designed specifically for younger people with psychotic, personality and mood disorders, along with others such as eating disorders. They tend to have a psychiatrist(s) and/or psychologist(s) along with various therapists and counselors, so you could get medications that way but even if your father opposed the idea that strongly, you could simply get psychotherapy (i.e. "talk therapy").

One thing though, it happens so much but don't self-diagnose because if you're wrong, then you'll lead yourself to believe you have the self-diagnosed mental illness anyways and that will mold your behavior as if you do actually have it. If they're from these silly online quizzes or checklists, those tend to be inaccurate and miss much of the actual criteria needed for that mental illness. So don't self-diagnose.

Why do you cut yourself or burn yourself? What is the purpose? Is it to punish, to elicit a physiological response so as to have temporary pleasure, something else?

Also, for your grades dropping, is there a certain set of things you're doing or is it not bothering to do the work, and if so, why?
   
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Re: My Shitty Life, Stupid Rant. - April 3rd 2010, 10:25 AM

But ive been like this for like 4 years now, so i doubt it has much to do with environmental factors ><
I would go to my school counsellor but they have to tell my parents if i do :/
And if i get therapy, i would have to tell my dad, and that wouldnt work.
I havnt taken any online quizzes, theyre just stupid, but ive been on the NHS depression website, and i have all of the physcological symtoms, a few physical symptoms and all four social symptoms.
I cut myself out of addiction, since i started 3 years ago because i felt so low.
And i was burning so i could hurt and punish myself in more ways.
I kinda liked the pain
And the grades, well i gave up at school, i dont do the work because i feel if i dont try i cant fail. Its hopeless me even trying to get my GCSE's anymore since im already failing them.




Is it right to believe?
Even if the belief isn't?



Last cut: 20/01.10
It can be overcome.
Just keep believing.



YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
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Re: My Shitty Life, Stupid Rant. - April 3rd 2010, 06:46 PM

hold on Jane, tell me, when exactly did things first start going downhill; has it always been like this, or was there some certain point in your life. cutting, smoking, drinking, overdosing, none of that is the answer. i think it's great that you posted on here because now you have to opportunity to get help. i really do think you should talk to someone about all this. even if the school councler tells you dad, you need to make the councler believe how urgent this is, and that he/she needs to work with you to get your dad to let you start get proffesional councling, and, most likely, put you on some meds. you'd be surprised how much it can help to talk to someone, just saying things out loud really puts stuff in perspective.

i promise things will look up, you can't give up on life. you have to keep trying and push through and give your all; good things happen to good people, and i know you're a good person. PM me anytime!
   
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Re: My Shitty Life, Stupid Rant. - April 3rd 2010, 09:53 PM

Well, i was scratching my arms to shreds when i felt down at the age of about 7 :S
Im thinking of telling my mum when i go to visit her next week, it seems the best idea, since i wouldnt have to explain all the reasons of why i do it :S
but i really dont know, since my mum dosnt know i have ever cut, whereas my dad knows i cut like once :S
Im jsut confused of how i get help tbh, because now im pretty sure i need it




Is it right to believe?
Even if the belief isn't?



Last cut: 20/01.10
It can be overcome.
Just keep believing.



YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
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