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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Clara
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Belgium

Posts: 156
Blog Entries: 1
Join Date: November 11th 2009

Bad person - April 12th 2010, 08:42 AM

I'm afraid. Some of you already know about it, that I have dissociation and different alters etc.
At school, it's going bad, lately. I'm studying Human Sciences and we have loads of group works. I used to like group works when I was younger, but now it's just wasting everything. We have group works every week. It means: every week in one lesson we have the explanation, everyone chooses a group and we have to prepare it (not during the lesson) and do a presentation. It means loads of work after school and that we have to work together after school. But in class, I'm not the most popular girl and I always turn out being in the same group with the same people every time (two guys who do nothing) and I always turn out doing everything.
Now, lately, we had a group work for French and I was lucky: I was with one of those stupid guys, but also with another guy who usually works. Plus I'm the best in French of the whole class. So that seemed to be good. But then, it turned out very bad. Everytime I wanted to invite them to work together after school or during the weekend, they just said 'no, I have no time, I have a life'. It turned out like usually: I prepared the whole fucking presentation, I mailed it to them so that they could study their part and that was it. The day of the presentation, I came to school, I asked: 'do you know your text?' and they just said 'no, I didn't study it 'cause I didn't want to and I'm going to read it from the paper'. That's what they did: after I did my part, they read it from the paper, without intonation. I stood there, in front of the class, completely trembling, furious and anxious and nervous and everything. After the presentation, I fastly went to my chair and I sat down and I had an anxiety attack. It was really bad. During that, my teacher came to me and helped me and tried her best to calm me down and one of the guys of the group came to us and told her in front of me that I didn't want to work after school in group, that I didn't want to work in group, that I blocked the whole group, that I was asocial, mean and everything and that he knew from the beginning that it wouldn't work to work with me.
Ofcourse, that only made my attack worse. I nearly turned unconsious because I couldn't breath anymore.
I mean, those two guys were my friends! I used to consider them as my friends, and they used to pretend like I was their friend.
Now I have nobody at school, I have no friends, those two guys are telling lies to everyone in my class, like that I'm 'completely mad, schyzophrenic, psychotic, mean' etc. Nobody wants to talk to me. They all say that I'm a mad, psychotic, stalinistic extremist and 'girl of a terrorist'.
Everyone at school is racist and hates me and my two 'friends' are bullying me in front of everyone.
I hate school. And now, my alter that has a quit aggressive personality, he has more reason to be aggressive and to harm anyone at school then ever. And even if I hate them, I don't want my alter to harm anyone. But he doesn't listen to me.
And I want to stand up for human rights, I want to manifestate and to fight for human rights and for peace (not literally fight, only when it's needed). And my alter wants revenge against all the people who ever harmed me.
I'm afraid that I'm turning into a bad, a very bad person.

EDIT: a girl of my class lately came to me an told me that if I'm continuing to be like this, I'm going to turn out in a psychotic criminal.
   
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