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ouo Offline
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Name: alyxis
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Unhappy MY OCD is getting worse. - April 26th 2010, 02:24 AM

School's ending, I've been gaining weight, I'm feeling numb.
And then my OCD's gotten worse.
Again.

So I've had this really long history of OCD, starting from when I was in fifth grade and got strep which led to PANDAS which led to OCD.
My first round with OCD was focused on my brother, meteors, digging holes in myself, and stuff in my room. It was horrible. I obsessed over "becoming" my friends and my mother and I lost myself. I was nothing but what OCD was making me and I was crazed.
I never want to go back to that. Ever.

Then there was this...awesome time in my life where I was almost normal. I obsessed over my manga, but it wasn't something that interfered with my life. I had friends and I loved my family.

Then high school came and I was suddenly anorexic and I was obsessed with people again. I didn't want to be someone else this time. I was jealous and controlling and clingy and...well, let's say I lost a lot more than just weight. It was horrible, but when it cleared up, things got semi-normal once again, and I was back with friends.

Now things are getting bumpy, as they do this time of year every year. I'm loosing control of everything--my weight, my personality, and my mind. I'm sinking into OCD and it's storm of emotions.
It used to be easy, but after so many years of therapy and being taught "OCD isn't real" and to suppress it, I'm so confused. I can't give in and there are no more rituals for me to fall into. I've told myself it's not real, and I used to believe it, but it's so bad now that I can't distinguish what is real or not.

I'm so scared of myself and my future. I've only found one way out: the peace corps. But I have to wait...I don't know if I can.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.
I'm loosing everything.
But I've gotten through this before. I know...But I'm afraid I'll lose me.
But I think I have. Who am I? I can't look into a mirror because I'm really afraid of who is looking at me. I can't find myself in pictures anymore because I don't know who I am.
Everything feels autopiloted. Where am I? Why is this happening?
I need help, I need answers. I can't get into therapy until a month from now.
I'm so scared; I'm at my wit's end.
Help, someone please help. I can't go back. How do I stop this? I know I can. but I don't trust myself...it's too easy to fall into it when it happens so fast.
   
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firecracker Offline
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Re: MY OCD is getting worse. - April 26th 2010, 04:37 AM

Hey, Alyxis. I'm sorry you're feeling so scared right now. OCD is real, and it shouldn't be "suppressed" it should be cured. Hopefully, you're new therapists will realize this. The good news is that therapy should help a lot, so if you can just hold on, things will get better.

Right now, the best thing you can do is fight it. Remind yourself who you are. Stare into the mirror and tell yourself everything about yourself that you can think of. Try meditating. That might help you get your thoughts more into focus. Just sit on the floor in a quiet room in a comfortable position, focus on your breathing and try to quiet your mind as much as you can. Try to do this for about 20 minutes everyday.

You're a strong person and you can do this, Alyxis. you've just have to believe that you can. if you ever need to talk, PM me.
   
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