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Unhappy Can't Make it - June 16th 2010, 05:54 PM

I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through the summer without killing myself- my mind is basically driving me insane. First off, IDK what to do about my friends. They constantly do things without me: dress shopping for graduation awards, parties, geometry project, movies, etc., but when I tell them this, they automatically assume I'm overreacting, and that they don't do any of what I'm saying. It's just it seems like they all prefer each other over me, and like I'm the second choice- like I'm just kinda there for when everyone else isn't. And they all act like I'm their best friend, when, based on their actions, I'm obviously not. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna make it through the summer- 10 weeks of solitude (minus three of them, I'll get to that next) and thinking about how they're all probably hanging out without me, again. And I don't have any other friends to hang out with, either. I just don't fit in anywhere- not in my school, extra curricular groups, sports, summer camps, nowhere. It just seems like there's no point in anything when I don't have any real friends. I'm sure some of this is my anxiety/ paranoia coming in and saying "they all hate me" but still, I don't know how I'm going to survive the summer virtually alone.

This probably sounds stupid, but I just wish that I could have a best friend like all of my other friends have (it's like they all have their own little cliques inside our groups of friends). Like in the movies- that one friend everyone has that you can tell anything to, and that you always hang out with on the weekends and during the summer and where you basically live at their house. I just wish that for once, I had a true best friend.

Next, for three weeks, in order to get away from that (and my family issues- there aren't words to describe my brother's behavior, and on top of that, my time at home is basically me taking care of my parents as they're senior citizens with arthritis, I feel like I don't have room to be a teenager and have fun cuz of my home situation.) I'm going to "Nerd Camp" where I'll basically be surrounded by people nonstop, which for me is a bad thing. Every time that I have cut and or been suicidal in the last 4 months has been either when I'm with other people like at a sleepover (we were working on an english project) or something or when I'm on an extended day field trip for school and Idk how I'm going to get through that without my music to calm me down (that's the only thing that has stopped me from killing myself during that. There's virtually no access to electronics during the camp. only in your dorm rooms which your only in first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep and obviously while youre sleeping) And I had gone over 60 days actually almost happy- not suicidal, no cutting- and then yesterday on a field trip for school when we got back at like virtually midnight, I cut for the first time in (i think) 72 days. I just don't know how I'm going to survive the suicidalness, depression, anxiety, solitude, or anything this summer.
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Re: Can't Make it - June 16th 2010, 06:13 PM

Really sorry to hear what you're going through, I can relate to how you feel, my friends used to do things without me all the time.

Wanting to have a best friend isn't stupid at all, there are very few people in the world who wouldn't want a true friend. To be honest, they way your friends are treating you, they don't really seem like good friends. Not everyone is like that. One day you'll meet someone who will appreciate you and enjoy your company.

The camp thing sounds tough, but is it really only a terrible thing? You could look at it as a chance to make new friends and meet new people. Is it just shyness that depresses you when you're around a lot of other people?

Solitude and loneliness are extremely difficult, but you won't be alone forever, I can guarantee that, so try to hang in there for the time being. And if you ever need a friend or just want to talk feel free to pm. Good luck.

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