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Writing it all down. - July 14th 2010, 07:12 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't really expect an answer, seeing as it is hideously long. I just need to write it down before I explode. No I do not see a councellor about this. Too terrified.

I don't know what to do, I really don't. My life could be looked at as fine yet I am so unhappy. I am not motivated to anything yet have so much to do. I feel so empty. People have commented on my negative outlook. I just say "I am not in a bad mood", because that is usually how I feel. Not "fine" but not "terrible". I don't know. My head is messing with me. I don't understand. I can't even sleep properly. Haven't slept properly for more than two years. I have awful nightmares. Usually involving death, torture, all that jazz. I also have a condition where my soft pallette collapses whilst I sleep and blocks my wind pipe. This makes my nightmares a lot worse and a lot more real. I have nightmares during the day too. Daymares if you wish. I go into a sort of trance, see things, and end up hitting myself and looking like a psycho. I probably am. I am so terrified of what people think of me, too terrified to alter my shitty appearance, never speak to anyone properly as I get all worked up. I am frightened to leave the house sometimes. I don't know what the fuck I think will happen, but whatever. My friends don't understand. I don't blame them. It's my fault. Everything is my fault.

That's another thing that confuses me. I love my friends, I really do, the few that I have. But sometimes, more than sometimes actually, a lot of the time I absolutely despise them. Feel like cutting them open, fucking axeing them. Not because they've done anything wrong, because they haven't, I just suddenly hate them so much I want to do some serious damage. It's like that with my family too. I know I am weird, all my friends are to be honest. I prefer it that way, I think. But one really effing annoying thing about me is that I argue. I argue all the fucking time! Over nothing. Maybe I got it from my dad. I don't even think about the consequences, just argue for the sake of arguing. I know it doesn't make me look good, I know that it just makes me seem horrible and I know that it upsets my friends. Yet I still do it. I don't know, I am probably just a really horrible person.

They don't know about that, I keep it inside. I keep everything inside. Which is why I am letting it now. I can't keep it locked up anymore, I really can't. I just feel like telling people. I am an attention seeker (In this sense, online) I just want some help, I really do, though have never voiced it. I am just terrified of being alone I guess. I feel like I will die alone, I really do. I feel like I am going to scare my friends away so I will be alone. I really doubt I will ever be in a relationship as I am so scared of it. I would love to be, I really would. In fact that has been kind of bugging me... A relationship, I'm like, craving it. Anyway. It just scares me. The closest I have been was about a day of talking to someone (online, I knew them in person but were talking online) as "more than friends", but I got freaked out and ran away. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I want a relationship yet make it impossible. Ha.

Self Harm. Yes, I do that too. My one and only suicide attempt was when I was in some kind of trance. I got so het up about all of these things that I didn't think. Anyway. I cut quite a lot. Not severely, just enough that it hurts. I love to carve images into myself too. Obsessed with it you may say. Oh, I hate myself, I really do. I sound like such a weirdo. I am. And that is why I will die alone. I don't know. I am just so full of doubt. How depressing. I am either in this mood or stupidly angry. Feel like seriously hurting someone. Then I just end up hurting myself. I get so stressed. Feel like I can't cope. That's usually when I SH. It's so stupid, I don't even think. It's fucking summer and I am having to wear long sleeves. I should really think, yet I don't. However it is my thinking I hate, I hate it, just gets me upset. Perhaps that is why I don't think... Urgh, I don't know. If I don't have access to a blade I just dig my nails into my face. That's how angry I get. Distorting my already distorted figure. That's not all true. I look OK. I have finally realised that. But whatever. One day I will say that, the next I will glance in a mirror and tell myself "God you are so fucking hideous", and believe it. I don't understand.

I have decided I hate this guy. I don't care what my mind and heart say. If I say that I hate him I will, I will. I hate. Hate hate hate. End that bloody obsession, such a waste of time. I hate my obsessions. It's all the time. End up wasting hours and hours over it. I am not going to get into that because it is so stupid and embarrasing. I really should in my "let it all out" thread but whatever. I even make up people to feed these obsessions, I mean, what the fuck??! I'm an idiot. But that's the thing. I'm not. I know exactly how to..................... Oh, sad I wasn't getting into that. Fine, I won't then. It's probably for the best. No, it is for the best. It doesn't matter anyway.

Sometimes, I am in a good mood, happy. It all changes very quickly though. Usually when I try to do something. I sit down with intentions to make something, or draw something, do my homework or whatever, but just can't seem to finish it. I really, really want to one minute, then it's like, meh, and I sink back down again. Not helping myself at all. I seem incapable to help myself. I know what I am supposed to do, I tell other people to do it when they're down, yet I don't. What a fucking hypocrite. Why was I even made? What a waste of life.

Anyway. I think this is finished.
   
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Re: Writing it all down. - July 14th 2010, 10:18 PM

hi,
probably I told u this b4 but I will repeat it........you are every thing BUT a horrible person.....just because you're more sensitive than others does not make you that.....it makes you beautiful, it makes you creative........it makes u an artist............and even though sometimes things do get awfully hard that you feel like you literally are chocking with words that u need someone to drag it out of u .....I want u to know that you are a very strong person and it takes a hell of courage to put that in words......... you do have a strong will to sit down and actually do your homework, paint, do what ever activity you are doing and that is the hardest part do .........give your self sometimes to enjoy what you do, play some music you love while you do and you'll find out that actually time passed .......you did sth great and you have not even felt it ..........knowing the right thing to do means you are aware, grown up and smart.........helping people out means that you are caring compassionate and loving...... It IS hard to do things by our selves, and even harder to do the right thing when we know it because we are on our own.........but when some body else tells us that, we feel like we have back up and that's the only reason it is easier... I hope you find a loving person that would appreciate how great you truly are , some one caring, loving and understanding that will help you along the way an amazing person that will be there to give u a hug or interrogate u when ur upset..........actually I know u'll find that person,even if u think u wont because you deserve it......so pls give it sometime, add some hope, and hopefully it will be soon
   
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Re: Writing it all down. - July 15th 2010, 07:37 AM

Thank You
   
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