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Robin Offline
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Name: Robin
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Whats Happening to me? - August 1st 2010, 08:43 PM

So for 4 years i spent my life depressed and i slowly got over it, i would say about 6 months i got over it, I became happy and life was back on track, i no longer felt sad about the past and i incresingly became more and more focused on the present, While this was great my present holds nothing, so i concentrate on the present yet it has nothing to offer, i find myself very depressed but in a different way, i used to cry and feel like dying, i used to tell my friends there was something deep down that was destroying me, not i dont say anything and all they see is me happy and smiley, But deep down i know that i am empty, i have no drive in life and no goals.

It is strange while im not depressed i am very dead and this causes very similar issues to my old depression, Last time i felt i needed to tell everyone and find help, this time im very quiet and say nothing, actually i am now able to convince people im 100% fine.

After looking around to see if depression could kill me (sounds strange i know) i found some intresting things. Let me start by saying ive felt very weird latley, I have very deep sleeps and struggle to wake up, Im not hungry and usually eat for the sake of it, I notice when im feeling down and dead my heart slows down and thumps lightley, its as if my body is shutting down as im finally at peace with my issues. Anyway i found that depression can lead your body to sleep for longer periods of time and in the end it just doesnt wake up.

At the end of the day it is only me that knows and if anybody knows me on TH they may have noticed i havent been on or said anything in a while, Even TH the site i used to open all my problems up to, i now find myself holding it back, but only because i feel like life is fine, its not that im depressed because something is wrong im depressed because my life has no meaning, everything i excpect to be good ends up making life worse and now i never excpect good things, i just leave myself isolated to try and avoid lifes problems, Im not strong enough to make friends out of nowere.

Life is fine and it leaves me dead inside, im single and believe i will never change on that, i have no friends and there is no way of me meeting new ones, I have little family and that will never change.

Whats happening to me?

If you made it through this thread congrats its stupidly long, i dont excpect answers, its more of a rhetorical question.

Thanks for reading
Robin






   
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IzzyIzzyIzzy Offline
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Re: Whats Happening to me? - August 5th 2010, 11:29 PM

I get the dead feeling completely. I wasn't depressed for nearly as long as you, and by the sounds of it your depression was 'reactive', to something that happened in your life, mine was however not (as far as i know). I found i started to miss the old depression because I knew it and in some ways understood it, it became a part of me and when that was taken away and life went on I felt dead inside, and emotionally I was. Somehow I got a boyfriend and he helped me past many problems and I fell in love with him a few months after we got together. However, he actually loved his best friend throughout out entire relationship, treated me like crap for 2 months, kept secrets and when I needed him most he refused to be there for me, then he ended it and after both of us agreeing to be friend we now never talk. It certainly got me some emotion back though.
Perhaps find something you may not NOW feel passion about, but one day could? Charity work, it will make you feel good about yourself, self confident, gives you UCAS points and is a good thing to do. Amnesty International is a good charity to volunteer for, or any charity you could relate to, (e.g lost a family member to cancer, volunteer for cancer research).
I recommend a doctors visit, just to clear up other health issues. They won't force you into anything because legally they can't and at least you'll know.

Friends come and go, if you had them you can have them again. I'm sure there are some people you could be friends with, and the whole 'putting on a smile thing' is what most people do during hard times, however some of us do need to talk about it, as reassurance. Try free clubs/volunteering/job/classes and you'll meet new people, friends can easily come out of that, especially if you smile. Things get better, but sometimes it involves a massive reality check.
Good luck, you'll be fine, even if you don't know it yet. xx
   
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