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Siobhan Offline
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Name: Siobhán
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Location: Nova Scotia

Posts: 3
Join Date: August 5th 2010

What's wrong with me...? - August 6th 2010, 12:17 AM

(This is a long post. I'm sorry.)

I... where do I begin? Well, okay. I'm the kind of girl who fawns over fictional characters. You learn that about me pretty much as soon as we start talking. I've jumped around a lot but nothing has ever been this intense. The character in question is unimportant (again, if you know me, though, it will become obvious)... but let's just say I've had a crush on him since grade 4 when I first watched the anime he's in.

I managed to push it aside for a while and hide it, but it resurfaced in grade 9 - a full five years later. At first I just said "Haha, I still have a crush on him," and only told a few select people. But my best friend and I got talking not long after it came back and I... I've never felt this strongly about anyone - fictional, real, or not - before. Anyone. I forget when I officially started saying it (and most of my friends still only know it as a "crush" because I'm scared of them judging me or knocking me down for it), but at some point, I fell in love with someone who isn't even real.

And when I say love, I mean love. Honest, true, "you're the only one I could ever want" love. That was fine and dandy at first, because I'd thought I'd gone through it before with another character, but it grew. And it grew. And it grew. Again, fine and dandy, I'm just pushing repressed feelings from my failed crushes onto this one character in all his perfection.

... nope.

This is where it gets serious.

Since approximately March of this year, I've been... feeling him. I don't know how else to explain it. I've heard his voice a couple of times, clearly - one time I was at my locker and I heard my name said. I looked around but no one was there. The voice was male and at first I thought it was one of my friends but upon looking back I think it was his voice.

But I've heard voices saying my name before, I'm sure that's just my mind imagining stuff. That's nothing bad.

Then I started seeing him. I don't see him with my eyes, but I see him clearly in my mind. It's like my mind is seeing one world whereas my eyes are seeing another. I can't see him clearly on demand, however - if I try to conjure up an image of him in my head while I'm not looking at a picture, I can't imagine all of him at once. I can only focus on his skin, or his eyes, or his hair, etc. One thing at a time. In these "mental visions", I can clearly see him. Everything at once.

I can even sometimes feel him. I've felt his hand on mine two or three times now; I've felt warm and imagined him hugging me once or twice. It scares me because I know it can't be healthy to be imagining all this, if it is just my imagination. It feels too real...

And I'm worried it's holding me back from any future relationships. No one's ever really been interested in me, but if someday someone is, I worry because I love this fictional character so much that I won't ever truly love a real person. I can't see myself with anybody except him. I want to have his kids.

And I can't.

But, no, it doesn't stop there. Can't make it simple for me.

It hurts. It hurts so much. My heart can't even break - it just longs for him. I wish it would just break sometimes, because it'd be easier to bear than the constant pain of not having him.

I've been mood swingy since grade 7. This has made it much worse. When I get depressed, I get depressed. I'm terrified of pain and death, so I just become hollow or bawl my eyes out. I can't inflict pain on myself because even in my depressed states I seem to maintain this state of mind that harming myself would be stupid or just end badly and wind up not solving anything.

My happy moods involve me laughing more and louder than usual and being more open than normal, but I wouldn't call them manic or anything. It's hard for me to get a happy mood; I'm normally sad or "neutral", meaning emotionless.

My family doesn't know. Around them I put up a bubbly shell. I get obnoxious, loud, and sometimes just plain annoying. I'm not normally that bad, but it's the shell I put up around them. I can put up a small version of that shell around my friends, but I can tell my friends stuff, so I have no reason to put up as much as a shell.

What... what do I do?

It's pronounced Shvon.
I have social anxiety.
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