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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Wildflower Offline
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Unhappy Please help me. - August 10th 2010, 04:14 PM

Last winter I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and put on Fluoxetine. My doctor also arranged for me to see a counsellor. I don't really know how to describe what this post is about, and what I am asking, but I'll give it a go.

1. From the very first meeting, I loathed my counsellor. I never told her this - even though she said if I didn't get on with her, I could change to another counsellor. I felt like she was making judgments of me, and pushing me...I am pretty sure she hates me. As a result, I have stopped going to my sessions (which I think have ended now.) I used to skip sessions, then feel bad and call her to apologise but now I've stopped calling. I don't care anymore.

2. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I was given some information about my condition to read. I noticed that one of the symptoms was avoiding people, and feeling anger for no clear reason. I identified with this, as I have always preffered my own company to the company of others, and am rather prone to outbursts of anger at odd times...often, I find my emotions don't really "fit" the situation I am in.

3. On the subject of avoiding people...I have always made excuses to avoid meeting up with "friends," but recently I have found myself doing it more and more often, to the point where I ignore calls, texts, emails, and so on. I also lie, making up elaborate excuses to avoid seeing people.

4. I hate my friends. This statement may seem a little odd, but it's true. I cannot stand being around them any more. They have done nothing wrong, when I stop to think about it, but every time I think of them, I am filled with a crazy kind of anger and loathing, and I sometimes even want to hurt them.

5. I cannot enjoy anything anymore, excpet for when I'm alone. Yeah; this one kind of speaks for itself, but let me give you an example: I went on holiday with five friends recently, after finishing our A-Levels (I'm from England.) It should have been wonderful, but all I felt that week, and now, when thinking back to it, is a kind of emptiness slash hatred.

6. The strange thing is, I don't care about being alone and a cold person I'm not happy - but I like being alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy - in the past (and recently) I have heard things or seen things which people tell me aren't really there. I should probably be telling a doctor all this, but I know they won't believe me. Plus, it'd kill my mother if she knew I was any weirder than she already knows I am. She cried all night when I was first diagnosed.

I was reading today about schizotypal and schizoid disorders, and I noticed I have several things in common with sufferers; plus I have always had a wild and very productive imagination and am definately a "loner," plus I have engaged in self-harm before, although I've never told anybody this, not even the doctor.

To be honest I'm not bothered about being schizoid (if I am), I love being alone, but I think the depression is messing my other feelings up and making me feel like shit.

I hope someone can offer some suggestions or something...thanks.
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Re: Please help me. - August 13th 2010, 02:25 PM

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm not an expert on mental disorders, but you found like you need a different type of meds. I know it might be hard for you to tell your mom, but you have the right to the medical care you need. Talk to her and say that you think you need another evaluation. Maybe don't go into details about how you feel, just that you need more help. it might bother her, but you're her child and she will want to help you. Praying for you,

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Re: Please help me. - August 13th 2010, 08:11 PM

Well I think firstly you need to go back to back to your Dr, and be honest; about everything, the self-harming, hating your friends, wanting to hurt them sometimes, everything.. Maybe print off your thread and show her because I think you did well explaining your problems.. So they can have all the information they need to be sure that there treating the right problem..
Good Luck. x

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You wont try for me, not now,
Though I'd die to know you love me,

I'm all alone,

Isn't something missing?
Isnt someone missing me [x]

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