All I need is me

[Pour the Teapot]

(I wasn't sure where to put this, feel free to moved it)

Ok, so, this is going to sound totally selfish and mad, but really, the person most important to me in the world; is me. Like yes, I do love, I have a best friend and a dog, both of whom I love very much, and it's not like I hate everyone else. But to be honest, everything I do, in the sense of every decision I make, is for my best interest. Truthfully, I've just been hurt too many times by those who I tried to love, that I just can't trust any more. Everyone seems to think I'm very open, and have no secrets (a girl once told me she knows what goes on inside my head) because I talk a lot. And I do talk a lot. It's a habit I've had all my life, hiding what's real by talking about idle things. In reality, no matter what anyone has heard me say, they really don't know what I'm thinking.

I have, since my dad died, become very emotional. It pisses me off because I don't want people to know what I'm feeling, but the stupidest things make me cry. I hate not having control over my tears, and i know for a fact that there are people who judge me for that. That's the only thing that I ever care about people think about me; I do NOT want people think they know what goes on inside my head. I'm not actually an emotional person, I HATE crying and would prefer to just keep a permanent poker face, so to speak. But I have no control over it.

I'm not asking for help, (tho tips on not crying would be great), i just felt I had to tell someone the way I am. And I know you guys won't judge me. Really, when it comes right down to it, all I need is me.

[HopelessVictim]

Hello
I couldn't help but notice the part you posted about not crying. Truth is, if you feel like crying, don't hold your tears back-because I once did that so often that I got to where I coudn't cry even though I wanted to. This is an emotional time for you due to your dad's death, and you have the right to let your emotions out. And if people judge you for it, then just remember that if one of their close family members died that they would be the same way.

[Pour the Teapot]

Thanks but I really hate crying and my dad has been dead for over three years.

[Soliloquy]

Hi Alice,

Crying is an okay thing to do sometimes. It is much better than keeping them in and having them boil over on you. However, if you feel like you're crying too much, it might be a good idea to talk to someone, like your mom or a teacher at school. Something like a death in your life can be a very upsetting experience, no matter how long ago it occurred, and it might help if you were able to talk about your feelings.

My guidance counselor at school once asked me when I was having a hard time, "How can you 'get over something' if you've never addressed it?" I can see now that he is quite right. That is not to say that you will completely forget about your father and move on with your life. I am sure there will always be a part of you that misses him dearly. But you can learn to cope with those feelings and make it so they don't interfere with your everyday life.

I know letting someone look inside your head can be quite uncomfortable at first. However, people can help you, if you let him them in on what's distressing you. I know trusting people can be hard at first, especially when you've been hurt by others in the past. Nevertheless, keep on persevering. Give it some time. You might find it comes easier to you with some time and practice.

You shouldn't have to be solely dependent on yourself your entire life; that sounds like an awfully large burden to me, to keep all your feelings suppressed like that. Having even one or two people to speak to can make all the difference. I believe everybody needs some support at some point in their life. I don't think anybody can do everything alone. Asking for help is okay!