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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Gidig Offline
Optimistic pessimist
I can't get enough
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Name: Maria
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: Colorado

Posts: 2,123
Blog Entries: 390
Join Date: January 5th 2009

What's my next step? - September 29th 2010, 06:38 AM

My life is going downhill quickly, but I'm sort of enjoying it.

I wish I had someone to talk to more though. My friends aren't really the listening types - they think they are, but they're too self centered.

I'm diagnosed bipolar, and haven't taken my meds in at least four months. It's too hard to get ahold of them. I have to call the pharmacy and argue with them about how not to change my meds. Then when I do think about taking them, it makes me wonder, why am I so different from all the friends I've made in the past year, that they can be happy without taking a pill. It makes me feel useless and stupid.
So in my mind, even if it's not logical, I say fuck them, watch me, I don't need them. I don't need them because I can get my hands on any drug in the world I want within hours. I smoke weed at least three times a day, drink at least four times a week, take pills whenever I have money, etc. I'm looking for anything to escape.
Then drugs lead into each other with me doing a bunch of shit I shouldn't be. I'm physically safe, I research drugs, I don't drive under the influence, I'm ALWAYS with people I know will take care of me, etc. But I've slept with a number of guys (I'm not even sexually attracted to guys), slept with friends, all that kind of stuff.

But I have NO desire to stop doing drugs. And I don't understand why. I thought you were supposed to when you had a problem?

I'm not going to school, don't have a job, I'm planning on going to school in January, which I think in my mind gives me logical reason to do whatever the hell I want right now. And in reality, I like having my biggest problem be drugs. It makes me feel normal.

But the past week or so I think I've been subconsciously suicidal. When I had been drinking the other night, I started talking to my friend and I was like, get me something that will fuck me up, like won't even remember. And he was like okay let me think, and he made some calls and we started talking. He was saying he didn't expect that out of me, and I told him I wanted to die, and at least not remembering is close. When I look at things I've written, things I've said, and a whole bunch of stuff, it's kind of obvious I have no self-worth. I don't care what happens to me. I would easily climb in the car with a drunk driver if I knew they weren't going to hit anyone else.

The last thing I'll blabble about, is I really need to find a therapist. But my mom just switched to Kaiser, so I have to see someone through there, not the one I had been seeing.
I feel like the loser bipolar that won't take her meds. I would, it's just... too much work.
And just thinking about that makes me miss my friend who is bipolar who just moved away and how much she used to help me without even realizing it.

I just need to get a hold of my life, but don't even know where to start. Shit is so messed up right now.

The best wayout is always through~
-Robert Frost

Proud member of the LGBT community.

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Opal Offline
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Re: What's my next step? - September 29th 2010, 09:11 AM

It's going to take more than one step, but finding a place to start is a good idea.

If I were you I would start with your thinking. You compare yourself to people who are not bipolar and therefore get depressed. If you have to compare yourself to anyone, it would make more sense to compare yourself to other bipolar people, who are also suffering from the same condition. Just because you have a mental illness, you are not emotionally or mentally incapable or inferior. You have a difficulty to overcome, and that is all.

If it helped you to have a friend who was bipolar, why not seek out forums for bipolar people? There must be some somewhere on the vast internet, and most likely there will be people who know good ways of dealing with the condition.

Beyond changing your thinking and looking for forums, you could also avoid any situation that will lead to drinking. So just don't go to the parties. Go somewhere else instead, or stay at home. Focus on something else that you actively want to do instead. This will act as a replacement activity.

Just those three things would be a great start. But the way to accomplish anything is to break it down into smaller steps, so I think it's great that you asked what the next step was.
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