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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Poetic Loser
Junior TeenHelper
LastRedAppleStanding's Avatar
Name: Erin
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 201
Blog Entries: 8
Join Date: June 14th 2010

I'm so weak. - October 14th 2010, 06:45 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of peer pressure or bullying, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I had to go and see Vicki from the Group the group therapy session today. She gave me all the feedback from how she thought i did and it was all really good but she said that she wants me to still see someone because apparently i have issues with Self Esteem.

Blah blah blah...

Anyway, my mom was in the room and i wasn't very pleased. I was ok talking to Vicki though and then my mom proceeded to make me cry.
She was talking about my cutting. As usual saying ' All teenagers go through the same thing but some people deal with it differently. Like Erin (goes all sarcastic) decides to get a knife to her wrist. Some people starve themselves of drink.'

I ended up crying because she knows i hate it when she talks like that to me. Then she went on to mention the 'story' i think i mentioned a while back. I know the full story know though.

I was 10 years old and they decided to get all these people who were struggling together with a stupid half teacher. We had to talk about our 'feelings' and shit. I was writing Blahhh down about how i hate my life excetra.. then i went on to say something like
'I can't deal with life anymore. I hate myself and i want to die.'

Yeah. I was ten for fucks sake. I cannot remember this at all. Sometimes i can remember small details but this doesn't even sound like it was my life. It's so weird. So this make me cry more because i can't remember it and they only remembered to tell my mom about it after i left school at 12 years old so she couldn't do anything about it.

Shitty school. I hoped it gets fucking bombed.
WARNING! Do not ever take your kid to Priory Primary School. England, West Midlands.

Anyways' i haven't got mild depression anymore. I have severe depression. Go figure. But i'm quite and intelligent person and i know whats wrong with me. I'm still in denial but i know how i want to get better etc.
I'm not choosing to be this way.

I' m going to be really fragile me for a second.
I'm so fucking scared. I'm not on tablets, my friend has just been discharged from this clinic for anorexia and i'm still like this. It makes me feel like this.
Andy my councillour's leaving me in June. I wanna get checked out for MS but can't. My mom's a bitch but i keep thinking she's gonna fucking die.
My panic attacks are getting out of hand again because i keep thinking somethings wrong and somebody's died in the family.

The only time my dad talks to me is if he wants something or to talk to me. I'm getting really paranoid that my best friend hates me and is stealing everything from me. i drink when i can, smoke when i can and steal Weed from my fucking dad.

Theres more but i think this is fucked up enough.
Sorry this is so long but, christ.

How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?
Good friends get drunk with you. Best friends hold your hair back when you've had a bit too much to drink!
There's no such thing as good girls gone wrong, only bad girls found out.
I've learned...
that maturity has more to do with what types
of experiences you've had and what you've
learned from them and less to do with how
many birthdays you've celebrated.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Yours Truly Offline
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Name: Ashley
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: Ohio, USA

Posts: 388
Blog Entries: 8
Join Date: July 21st 2010

Re: I'm so weak. - October 16th 2010, 03:42 AM

Wow. that is a lot. Im so sorry to hear all of this. Lifes hard. But its no reason to give up.

I honestly don't know where to start. Continue the counseling, definatly. if your counseler leaves, find a new one. And request individuals. Im not sure how old you are, but Counseling is Counseling. Unless your breaking the law or are suicidle, legitimatley suicidle, its technically illegal for them to tell anyone anything without your permission unless your parents signed releases for doctors and such. Well, thats how it is in the US anyway.

alright, next topic: your mom.

Talk to her. Explain how it hurts you when she refers to you like that. Its not right. Shes your mother and even if she cant relate, she shouldbe abe to empathize and try to help you best she can. If she cant do that, then theres nothing you can do but try to give your best effort to get her to understand.

Remember none of this is your fault.

Im here if youever need to vent to anyone. or are seeking advice. Itll be okay. Professional help i really think would help you. Continue counseling with whomever that may be, and Im sure you'll find the strength to work through it all. <3

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle." <3

Feel free to PM/VM me if you ever need someone to talk to, or just want someone to listen. I'm also always up for making new friends.
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