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Name: Je m'appelle Anna.
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I don't really know what's wrong... - October 26th 2010, 05:08 PM

I'm not sure if this is under the right forum, but oh well...

In sixth grade, I went through a really, really, really bad time. My grades in school were bad and I'd go home to yelling everyday. I started thinking about suicide a lot, and I researched it, but I was too scared to make a move because of my faith and my family and friends. Plus I'm a huge coward. Anyways, I'd have periods, days, sometimes weeks of just feeling so low I wanted to die. Other times, I would just have hours of feeling down and then I'd suddenly get all cheered up and hyper, feeling like it was the best day in the world.

When summer vacation started, it stopped. Seventh grade was fine, but in eighth grade I began to be bullied. Since October of eighth grade (I'm in 9th grade now, so it's been a year) I have lapsed back into the same pattern as in 6th grade. I started researching suicide methods again, I often daydream of just dying and what it would be like. At other times, when I'm a little bit more of myself, I just think about running away somewhere else where I think I won't be bullied like this. I just can't see the point anymore; waking up and getting ready for school is basically picking myself up off a floor after being beaten just so I can get beaten again. I can't see the point in it. There's too much pain and shame between periods of happiness, and now those periods only last maybe 2 days. Even during those 2 days, there's a pit in my stomach and a voice in the back of my head that tells me escape is the only option.

I've started questioning my faith, the point in living, whether some of my friends are truly friends even more (I've had friends, good ones, turn away from me because of the bullying at school), if this treatment will ever stop. I'm not afraid of dying, and I sit in class, doodling, just imagining what it would be like to cut into my wrists and wait for it all to end. But then, when I'm with my friends, I suddenly get so happy it feels like I could confront the rumors themselves and just beat them. The feeling lasts for a few hours, then I'm back home, doing homework, questioning the purpose of whatever I'm doing, and dreaming of suicide, all the while with the pit in my stomach growing bigger and bigger. I stayed home from school today because it hurt so bad. My stomach just clenches and won't stop clenching.

I don't know what's going on. Bipolar disorder runs in my family, but I was informed that with Bipolar disorder the episodes last for days, possibly even weeks.

Thanks for trying to help. I'm kinda screwed up, I guess...


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Re: I don't really know what's wrong... - October 26th 2010, 08:00 PM

Anna, you will be fine. I don't want you to be living in the moment and thinking that there won't be change. Will you be in school forever and seeing the same people everyday? no you won't be, you grow from that and become who you are. You are not who are meant to be yet, why would you want to give up now and not notice the change? You have become familiar with your problems and I know that, and you and I both know that this shows that you care about yourself and want to help yourself get through this. You are not hopeless case, and this part of what you wrote hit me hard: "and getting ready for school is basically picking myself up off a floor after being beaten just so I can get beaten again." I feel this all the time, but you need to get through what you need to for things to change. If you are being bullied by people with rumors or their own words, then you have two options to do, either tell someone about it and have them be told about their behaviour (which is wrong, I hate bullying) or you can ignore them, because only you know yourself for you and what they are saying is definitely not you. I have bipolar disorder to, and honestly I know what it is like to not know if you are going to wake up happy or sad the next day. Sad one day? Well you can get through it, just distract yourself with whatever makes you happy and try not to think about it. Happy another day? hold onto the moment, and try not to let it go, this does help. I'm sorry that you are going through this rough time, but sometimes there is a process when you want things to change. Get through that process no matter what, with whatever it takes, and it will get better. I promise it will, just think into the future and really, nothing right now would matter then. You will be fine, and if you want to talk further or talk to me in any way then you can reach me.
   
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Re: I don't really know what's wrong... - October 26th 2010, 10:51 PM

Hey Anna,

Okay, let me level with you here. Bipolar Disorder is MUCH MORE complicated than being Happy, then Sad.

From what you've described, it sounds to me like it could either be your teenage hormones playing games (which is quite common), or even going through a Mild Depression (which could even just be a side effect of the hormones playing games).

I'd suggest you seek a councellor to talk to you about all this. I'm sure if they felt that it was more than the typical struggle growing up, they'd try to get you some further help. If you don't want to go to a councellor, you can even go to your doctor and talk to them about it, and see what they choose to do.


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