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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
shipklaine Offline
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Name: nick
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Exclamation school issues, abuse, possibly PTSD?? - October 27th 2010, 07:24 AM

forgot to put this-can someone (a moderator i guess) PLEASE label this as non PG 13???
sorry if there is some stuff in here that im not allowed to post. i wasnt sure of what i was and wasnt allowed to put in here to post to this board....(see the paragraphs about hooking up with a guy i dont know. if this cant be posted on the boards, then mods, can u just remove those paragraphs that have to do with the hook up/my 1st time? thanks.
p.s. sorry but the following is long. ...

anyways on sunday i didnt fall asleep till 7am and had to get up at 12pm to go to work from 2-10pm. god i hate not being able to sleep at night. it doesnt help that im usually on the computer or watching tv. but hell if i doint do that im usually just laying in bed bored to death. i am a pool attendent at a hotel that is connected to a casino. been there for about 2 months. they let kids stay their with their parents=[ some weekends its a total zoo in there=[ sunday night was ok. took 4 hrs. to get toliet paper in the bathrooms.

im still mad at my history teacher. i dont think ill ever forgive him. i told the girl from my class who is having the same problems as me-wasnt getting the professor's emails=[-and she cant believe what he did. i still have memories about the pool i worked at a year ago (was a lifeguard)-i was treated like crap...the place that drove me crazy...the memories usually keep me up at night=[ like a manager telling me i should go home and shoot myself because i worked so much-i reported him and get lied, and i got written up for lying and trying to get him in trouble. i wasnt lying!!! 2 weeks after i reported him he was made my boss=[ everyone else could work 34 hrs. a week buy i could only work 30 hrs. a week. i was transitioning on this job and even though i passes as a guy i was made to che3ck the girls licker rooms and i didnt use girls bathrooms anymorer. i told them this and they still made me go in and check them. i refused and got written up 5 times for not doing do. could any of this lead to PTSD??? and is this a type of work abuse???

i think i have PTSD. do i???
i got tested for it in june-july and i was told i dont have enough symptoms to say i actually have ptsd-i dont have flashbacks (but i have all the other symptoms) but by that do they mean memories? i have those about the guarding job i have a year ago. i hate the memories. they never go away and keep me up at night.well when i got tested they said i have it mildy and it severely impacts my school and work life.

sometimes the memories of what happened to me growing up(see last paragraph) come back but not usually. just the ones that have to do with the pool i worked at a year ago. i think they maybe have brainwashed me... like making me think im wrong about what was happening at work when i was right...i hate having sleep apnea. even with a cpap machine im still tired when i wake up. but i usually only get 5-7 hrs. of sleep a night.

lately i keep getting headaches and sick to my stomach even after i eat. well eating helps but not much=[ and after i was done getting yelled at by my teacher on friday i got sick to my stomach again but luckily didnt throw up. havent done that yet. i hate him. cuz of what he did he reminds me of my dad therefor i will never talk to him again-if i can help it. too bad...hes cute. i wonder if he is gay; a while back on facebook it said he was single. on his friends list he has very few friends that are straight. i know he has a daughter or 2.

yes i like older guys. my age and up till about 33 yrs. old. ill make exception for people older than that-like my history teacher. i thought he was mid-late 30s. hes like 41-43 yrs. old. theres this guy at work and i like him. im 22 and he just turned 31 (he works at the front desk). he has a GF and a 1 yr. old daughter. hes not married to his GF. hes cute but im not telling him that.

i asked him a couple weeks ago on facebook if he wanted to go hang after work and get a beer or something., he said he has his kid to take care of. understandable. he said that around christmas time that some of the staff r gonna go hang out and go to a bar and just chill, maybe go look at the lights-ya know the places that have christmas lights in the shapes of rudolph and all his christmas friends where its like $5-10 a car and little kids like to stare out their window in aww like everything they r seeing is the coolest things in the world...

well ive done a stupid thing in the past and well im trying not but probably gonna do it again. i hate not ever having a BF-im trans, FTM, been on testosterone for about 2 yrs. now. i was 5'3 1/2'' im now 5'6 1/2 (grew 3 inches...YAY)=] anyways yeah ive never had a BF or been on a date or done anything with anybody before.

anways a little over a year ago, for the first time (i havent done anything since), i hooked up with someone over craigslist and we did some stuff. and i went and lost my virginity to him=[ he went down on me-which is what i had him do most of the time cuz it felt so good=] and let him go in me-which i didnt get off from that. i dont like sticking things up there but i had him have a go at it and i didnt get off. it doesnt help that he is on the not wide at all side=[ he kept falling out too. i was 21 and hes 28. hes STD, dd free. i got std and hiv checked after that every 2-3 months since and ive been clean ever since. he emailed me later after that saying hes an escort. that first time was free.

and he fingered me too which at first i made him stop cuz it was too much. idk if having him do that was wrong...cuz like most FTMs dont want anything up there. but beside my clit/mini dick is the only thing i have right now to get off with... but anways he kept fingering me and it was soo damn go i knew i was gonna bust soon but he had to stop cuz his hand was getting tired=[ think i had an orgasm that time? i dont think ive ever had one before. i use vibrators in my clit to get off. ill have it on there and after a few min. my clit will start throbbing to where its too much for me to bear and i take the vibe off-is that supposed to happen??? does that mean i had an orgasm???

if i left on there after that happens i feel like im gonna bust. i use my fingers too when i want to get hard-technically i can when im really horny but whenever i squeeze it its like barely hard=[ yeah testosterone has made me horny constanly.(and my clit is like(if im measuring it right (when hard) 2 in. long and 3 around at the base). hell i was pretty much horny like that before i ever started the stuff. i usually end up watching porn every night.

i try not to though. gay porn is ok but i usaully get off watching lesbian and hardcore porn. which i dont quite get cuz i consider myself gay. like some girls r cute-like just by looking at them. but not the slutty dressed girls...eww. but i cant see myself fucking them. i can see myself only fucking guys. bu the only thing i can think of for my watching lesbian porn is the have clits and they use them to get off. mine just happend to be a lot bigger than there's because of the testosterone-which is why i call it a mini dick.

anyways im thinking of hooking up back again with him. but he wants $100 and i can/will never be able to afford that so it probably wont happen. jacking off every night isnt working for me too well. im just too god damn horny. i want to try anal. he said hed do that for free. i dont want it to hurt. i dont know if i want to do the other stuff i did with him the last time this time, if i do this again.

and i dont know if the other stuff would cost me or not. i did not go down on him. he only brought one condom last time. im getting lots this time, with lube. i guess i can get pregnant but since i havent had a period and been on testosterone for about 2 years its highly unlikely. is wanting to hook with someone like this (more than once) a bad thing????

i have aspergers and its rare if i dont have a problem with being touched. no i dont remember being hugged growing up and i hated to be hugged by anyone. and i wouldnt hug my dad anyways. i hate him. i guess if i found someone that wanted to go out with me and i did it more, maybe i wouldnt have a problem hugging them and cuddling and stuff like that with them... idk...

yeah and i was abused physically, emotionally, and verbally from ages 7-19. from my dad. he always said he would stop but never did. if i got hit it was on the lip or in the back of the head. he once almost broke my sister arm with a pool table stick. when my sister got pregnant at 16-when my dad found out-he punched her in the stomach. didnt affect the kid. my niece is 3 now and i love her=]


This is bunny

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Last edited by shipklaine; October 27th 2010 at 07:26 AM. Reason: added stuff
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
LovelyMissOlive Offline
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Re: school issues, abuse, possibly PTSD?? - October 27th 2010, 06:04 PM

You should definitely talk to a counselor or psychologist whenver you are struggling with things like this. They are there to help and can diagnose any issues more accurately than we can here. And while we are glad to talk to you and help figure things out, a counserlor or psychologist will help even more!

So will you consider talking to someone again?
   
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