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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
fightorflight94 Offline
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emotional weakness - November 19th 2010, 07:25 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

i dont feel much like typing nicely or whatever its been ages since i have been on...this is my newest account my old one was kurtcobainrocks14 before the site got wiped or whatever happened long ago
it life pretty much sucked for me but not like bad like abuse but as the title said i am so very weak
it started probably when my father left me when i was around five
i can only remember being very hyper as a kid like adhd or something but mostly depressed i would cry and hold a knife to my stomach ( i was by myself as i woke up at like 4 every morning). i didnt know much about that as a kid so i didnt think anything was particularly wrong. i would get so angry over little things with my brother ending up physical and harming him (impulsively) it wasnt exactly abuse just fighting
fastforward i was twelve and i got into huge trouble with the law. i fooled around with an 8 year old, exploring my self and sexuality. it wasnt exactly an issue but i almost had to register and i received a felony conviction. that angered me for a reason but it is not relevant. i went to group therapy. I showed no remorse no guilt it was just there. fast forward again i show up at a new school after 2 years of slacking in homeschool and i do fine freshmen year all A's but at the end my friend betrayed me and i became so depressed for a year and a half and i couldnt take it after another relationship ended i went to the hospital i went for being suicidal but there i wasnt depressed just so physically agitated and restless. well, i i did have my moments of dep but it wasnt constant. i got out and eventually ran into my current gf(about 2 years ago in octi gradually came out of a depression but that is not the end of it. I sped forward. i wanted this that and everything to be right, i had to know everything every detail because it was important. when i couldnt or was shielded from the truth/reason (or percieved to be so) i lashed out. i became belligerent angry hostile (NEVER physically thank god) when i get angry my mind is so disorganized and speedy that i cant even talk right everything comes out like word salad (psych term xD) and i yelled it wasnt necessarily abuse verbally/non verbally but i turned into a dick. i was right all the time arrogant (which might come into play with my growing knowledge and above average intelligence) i was a bad person, stealing from everyone who i could save one person. i never have wanted sex more except when i was 12ish and i nagged my gf about it. i nagged till it was like a chore to her i never felt real guilt or shame i never felt remorse. i felt justified. but that doesnt hold out foerever after a couple weeks of agitation and doing everything i can to get what i want i would become depressed for a day or two up to a week i would feel so bad so so depressed (sometimes just mildly) and i thought to myself how horrible i am how worthless i have become how i am an ass and i would apologize to EVERYONE about it "im sorry i have been an ass lately i havent been right" or something along those lines. i was also so optimistic when i wasnt angry, i usually was pessimistic and that change, maybe i was really better ya know? but the rage kept coming and i was getting better at what i was doing. i talked a lot, talked my gfs ear off. she was getting annoyed because she suffers with depression and anxiety so she had hit fits. i wasnt helping this was a change from my depressed self. on top of that i would get into modes of obsession i would research for 6+ at night and masturbate 2-3 times during and get to bed at like four and wake up at six (not every night but there were streaks and i always kept them hidden
no one listened to me anymore no one shared their troubles with me anymore
if someone with a lil psych exp help me? just like give me an opinion
i know no diagnosing and you arent professionals but im sick of professionals. i am not looking for a diagnoses. i just need to find clues/answers to where i can start ya know? there is probably so much more so if you need help i can answer your questions
remember just tell me what i can look and what not... i have bipolar and borderline tendencies ive been guessing
but yeah i cant concentrate enough to put more info in this initial post lol
thanks bunchs... ive missed being here
   
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Re: emotional weakness - November 19th 2010, 07:27 AM

i dont think its triggering i forgot to remove that and idk how to edit it out
sorry and sorry for double post
   
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Re: emotional weakness - November 19th 2010, 07:59 AM

Actually, the whole thing sounds pretty much like it could be accounted for by hormones as you've been getting older, or even Depression.

To me, nothing of what you've said sounds like Bipolar Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not a professional, but I do have some personal experience.

If you're really concerned, go to a doctor about it.


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Re: emotional weakness - November 19th 2010, 08:27 AM

I'm going to have to disagree with -ArcAngel- on one part. There are some indications of borderline personality disorder however, a) you need to fulfill the requirement for a personality disorder and I'm not sure you do, and b) the criteria you meet can be due to other disorders that you likely do meet (i.e. suicide in depression and borderline). The anger is characteristics of borderline personality disorder because from how you describe it, it's pretty constant. That makes it not from a mood disorder but it's not enough to suggest you would have borderline personality disorder. I'm not going to say you have the tendencies of it because you first need to have a personality disorder. The wanting of sex could be hormonal or borderline. At the younger age, I'm going with hormonal because it happened in an isolated incident then not again until you were older (i.e. demanding sex, possibly hormonal or borderline, not sure which one). Once again, this is assuming you do have a personality disorder and I'm not sure you do. The arrogance you described as across situations to various people so that may be borderline but the fact you didn't have less arrogance, only apologizing makes it possible to be from borderline. If so, it's still not enough and I'd be hesitant attributing it to borderline tendencies.


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Re: emotional weakness - November 20th 2010, 09:02 PM

All I am grasping at is either borderline personality disorder or depression. Both have very similar symptons (suicidal tendancies). BPD is more toward anger, shame, guilt, and impulsiveness. But you also might have had ADHD as a child so that throws things off a bit. In all honesty, it could possibly be mostly hormonal with possible depression or BPD. But it is important not to self diagnose. Your best bet for a more, I'm saying more not completely because there is a chance of misdiagonsis, definate answer is to see a professional.
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