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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Erin
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Canada, eh

Posts: 11
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: August 20th 2010

I'm Scared - January 2nd 2011, 10:23 PM

I'm worried there's something wrong with me. I've always had this irrational fear that everyone's going to leave me - that one day they'll all realise they derserve better than me and they'll just leave. It got a lot worse over the summer which I spent half of away from them. I barely got any calls or texts; I think I heard from someone twice that's it. I started sleeping a lot and not wanting to get out of bed during the day and spending most of my nights reading.

Two days before school was going to start back up my friends decided to have a sleepover in tents. That day I had forgotten to call my mom to check in so she came and got me and she yelled at me for a few hours. Needless to say I wasn't allowed to go to the camp-out that night. When we got home I started crying hyterically. I went to my room and curled up on my bed. And that's when I heard it; this vocie and it was telling me that they wouldn't care that I couldn't come; they don't care about me; they're going to forget all about me; they'll have more fun without me. And it was telling me this and got up and curled up in a corner trying to get away from it and I started scratching at my face almost trying to claw out my eyes, wanting it to just go away. I remember I started chanted to myself the same thing for over an hour: "They don't care; no one cares; you should just disappear".

I never told anyone about it and a few weeks after school started, I started getting depressed. A few weeks later I started digging my nails into my arm. No one noticed anything at all - even when I spent my classes crying and hurting myself - no one seemed to care.

Late November I finally got up the courage to tell my two best friends. They listened and noded there heads as I told them everything even about the voices. When I was finished telling them they promised to always be there for me and that they care about me. "No they don't," came snarky reply in my mind immeadiatly after. And it wasn't in my perspective, I hadn't thought of it. And in that moment I was so scared; so sure that I finally gone crazy. I started shaking and I wanted to claw at myself and I remember I tried to claw out my heart once before then and it hadn't worked so I just sat there shaking, waiting for it to stop.

And I still hear it sometimes, like when I see pictures of my friends all together and having fun on Facebook, I'll hear how they purposely left me out and how they don't want me around. It's constantly there and I'm scared that I'm crazy or that there's something seriously wrong with me. I can't tell my parents and I have no idea what to do. Help, please?
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Katrina Offline
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Name: Katrina
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Location: New York.

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Re: I'm Scared - January 3rd 2011, 02:28 PM

Hey Erin,

My goodness, that does sound a little bit frightening. I'm so glad that you've decided to post and reach out to us, and I hope you'll find something you need here. There's a few things I'd like to encourage here.

First, I hope that you'll understand that you don't deserve to feel this way. Recently, I've seen an influx of threads about different fears and phobias, so know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and most certainly not alone in feeling alone. (: I'm a huge fan of the idea that we were all meant to live life together; to love and be loved; to share in fellowship on a regular basis; to laugh with others, and I can see that you may feel the same way, which is why you fear being left (and I must admit, I've definitely had the same fear before from time to time as well!).

Surround yourself with positive people as you go through this, Erin. Of course, you and your mom are going to have disagreements and differences of opinions--ALL teenage girls and their moms do; I know me and my mom absolutely had more than our fair share of them! Regardless, your family does love you, you know? They want to see you succeed. And hopefully, you feel as though they can help you as you fight this. Your friends, too. The voice you hear? I think that's you telling yourself you're not good enough, Erin, but you ARE. Your friends DO care about you - they love you. They will always love you. (:

The last, and possibly most important, suggestion I'd like to make begins with a question: have you ever thought about seeking professional help for this issue? Clearly, this is not any small thing that you should have to shrug out - this is causing you pain and hurt, and you deserve help. I'm not sure about your school, but I know that at my school, they have a great counseling service set up for free for students. It doesn't get much more accessible than that! So, I encourage you to check with your school and see what kind of resources they offer you. I think it would help you to receive help from a third party, because think about it - this counselor is going to be neutral towards you... just like you feel the voice you're hearing is. Its not going to be someone who necessarily loves you as your friends and family do, so you won't be able to tell yourself that this person is lying to you or telling you what you want to hear (although I'm sure your friends and family aren't doing this...hopefully you know what I'm trying to say here).

Hang in there, Erin. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!

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