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Mental Health Use this forum to share your mental health concerns and to seek advice.

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My (long) depression... story? - January 10th 2011, 12:05 AM

Basically I'm new to this site. I found it while surfing the net about this shot congresswoman. Which is fucked up, but, yeah.

Basically I was born into a Christian family. My father was an elder at a church. Basically when I was twelve or thirteen I decided there was no god and I was tired of waking up early to sing at an empty room every Sunday morning. Not that this was really a traumatic moment in my life, however it was defining. Essentially my family has a fairly weak, not outspoken personality. After my "confession"(?) my dad told me he shared similar sentiments. He had just had battles with depression which has run in his family. Mother/sister/brother.

I also have never been a good student. I'm a 20th/21st century, middle class white boy. So it was written off as mild ADD, never controlled because it's something people cope with. I might argue that it's because what's commonly known as ADD could also be known as being a child but that doesn't really apply here. People have always ridden my ass about school work though. It's not for a lack of potential. Since I've been in first or second grade I've always been in the top tier of reading or brought into very specific groups for math, things of the like. I've taken honors and AP classes all throughout highschool consistently scoring a minimum of B's on tests yet averaging a GPA of 2.2 or so. Due mostly in part to me being terribely bored with school work. Finding it all to be easy, tedious and monotonous at best.

So in my sophmore year I had a group of classes that had very little to do with any actual test taking potential. I only had one class where I learned anything that year and that was chemistry. The main problem with that class is that this teacher was obviously an art nerd who also happened to be good at chemistry. She gave out very few tests and essentially had us build useless posters or anything else creative we wanted to do. Needless to say my grades in every class struggled immensely. I was working in a job that I had to wake up at 6 AM every weekend day for, coupled with waking up at 6 30 every day for school I was always exaughsted. I also began to have problems sleeping even though I was nearly always tired. I frequently fell asleep in my classes and because all my teachers were grading on such a "touchy feely" basis that only hurt me further. The constant lack of rest combined with my asthma in a house where wood burning is the source had me struck with multiple cases of bronchitus and pnemonia which managed to only push me farther behind in school.

I distinctly remember feeling suicidal for the first time after my mid term in the class that is dubbed "humanities" which is my small schools failed combined system of English and Social Studies. We were assigned to write about the units we had covered. Specifically the assignments we had completed and our feelings regarding them. I had been furious that a class that hadn't taught me anything wasn't even going to test me on the pathetically small amount of information they claimed to teach. I wrote about a page giving undetailed explenations about what I thought I did well. Not helping that a sexist fuck ran the entire class while the other teacher shirked into the background. When they did grade something (always subjective, mind you) it was on a curve. We never got a grading rubric until after a project was done. So for all the people who wrote 14 pages for their midterm analyzing every sentance they wrote the whole semester the exam was great. Not to mention that having a cock was detrimental to your grade at any point on the curve.

At the end of that school year I passed every class with between a 70 and 76, 70 being passing. I had become increasingly anti social and would lash out frequently. My parents decided that maybe something was happening besides boredom of a monotonous, dead, rural town. So they brought me to a shrink who confirmed in about 10 minutes that I had "clinical depression". I spent that whole summer half heartedly looking for means to a painless suicide. Multiple times I googled the names of pills in my medicine cabinet seeing how that might help. I guess I should mention that I had been perscribed prozac that I took for a week before I just started flushing one down the toilet every morning. I prefered to kill myself than a robot, and I still do. The next fall when school started I didn't join the varsity soccer team because I didn't have the slightest desire to wake up before 3 PM for those 2 weeks before school started.

My junior year was rather uneventful. I was still treated like shit in the same awful job. I was literally investing all my money from my job into music, and quite honestly that is what I think saved my life. Not talking to some guy in an office with a degree. Quite honestly that made me worse. For days at a time after going I'd feel suicidal more than ever. He'd try to guage my feelings and ask questions that I regarded as stupid. He likely had honest intentions, but he was quite obviously there because it paid the bills.

A large part of my depression was built on this sense of hopelessness and uselessness, of that I'm thouroughly convinced. And at some point in my junior year I somehow turned that as a negative thing to a positive thing. I sort of began to look at this sort of lack of importance that I had built up in my mind and accepted it. I realized I didn't want to be scrutinized by some god or to have the pressure of some higher purpose. I just wanted to live a sort of meaningless, carefree life where I could pursue enjoyment. I realized money was empty and useless. I realized societal norms were only harming me by trying to fit into them. I feel this sort of freedom that I didn't even feel before I had ever been depressed. It's just a pure not caring about what people think where I previously would have been insecure.

So that's my weird story. To manage my depression I embraced it instead of fearing it, or whatever I did before. I told my shrink about this the last time I saw him. He was confused as fuck as to how that would actually work. I would advise not listening to anything you percieve to be advice in here. The only licensed thing I am is a proffesional ski instructor.

Wow that's long. I enjoyed writing it since I've never really been that upfront with anyone I've known in person, but I think an interwebz of strangers might just work out. I guess I'm seeking thoughts or opinions from any readers brave enough to read this far.
   
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Re: My (long) depression... story? - January 10th 2011, 12:19 AM

Apparently there's a forum for depression only!

I'm going to post this there... I guess this is still mental health, but if it's not specific enough feel free to take it down.
   
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Re: My (long) depression... story? - January 10th 2011, 12:36 AM

My goodness....I have to admit I don't really know what to say. But I am gonna try. For starters, I am sorry all this is happening to you. It looks like its been really rough and you have sorta given up on things getting any better. Don't think they won't because they will. Nothing stays bad forever. It may be raining but someday the sun will come out. As for your grades, I am not great in school ether. I get pretty average grades. Lowest I ever got was a D but my parents don't even know about that D. So I live with that and a sister who comes home pushing 4.0s in my face. I guess just try your very best in school and push yourself to do better. Go to tutoring for the subjects you really are struggling with and eventually you will do good. You are not hopeless and you are not useless. You can get through all this. You can get through anything. You are strong and I believe in you. Its good that you have been to some councelers and stuff but I am sorry they have not exactly helped. Have you tried talking to a friend you really trust? That may help as well. Keep your head up every second of everyday and never lose hope. You can PM me if you ever need to.


   
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Re: My (long) depression... story? - January 10th 2011, 01:32 AM

It's interesting really. I feel like I'm finally out of it. My state of mind is difficult to explain in text and probably not considered "average" by people with certificates on their walls. I sort of have this feeling that we're all in this thing that i deem to be "useless" in an extremely long term sense, and since we're all here we might as well live it. It's given me an idea of, not really place, but.... I guess I don't feel it's stupid anymore, or worthless. I can't think of another way to word it.
   
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