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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Gidig Offline
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Is it worth it? - January 11th 2011, 07:24 AM

Hey everyone-

I was pretty happy with life for a while. And now I'm not again, as usual.

I've been debating in my head if all of this is worth it if you're always going to feel like shit later. I'm not going to go and kill myself, but I'm having difficultly finding reasons to get out of bed.

I feel like I have no one I can talk to about it because I'm not going to bring it up. I have friends who care, but I can hide depression so well, I've had years and years of practice. I want to be self harming again, so someone can see and be like, wtf.

I can't find anything that can make me happy. Even at this point only certain drugs can make me fake happy anymore. (I'm not drug-happy and out of control, but that's another story for a different day.) It's annoying and stupid.

I just don't know what to do. I'm going to see a therapist again and all of that. But is life just going to be a huge bipolar cycle? Do people get out of it? And how the fuck do they if they do, because they must be stronger people than me.



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Re: Is it worth it? - January 11th 2011, 11:11 AM

Hey Maria

It is worth it to work towards having happy moments in your life even if there are sad moments and you feel that it's always going to be a cycle. There was a thread recently in the General forum with the question regarding love: Is it better to have had and lost? or Is it better to have never had at all? Love and happiness can be two different things to people, but I believe that it's worth it to experience the good things in life, because that's what we ultimately want. Since it is cyclical, you know that it is possible to feel good again. Tell yourself in your head that you have friends that care, so that you feel more at ease with opening up when you need to.

In terms of it relating to bipolarism, I can only view it from the outside knowing that people can recover, and it can happen for you as well. I know you've done a lot for yourself to manage bipolar disorders, and you're strong to continually keep up with that. Keep a positive mind, and you'll be able to find things that will make you happy again :]
   
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Re: Is it worth it? - January 12th 2011, 04:44 AM

I'll tell you right now that dealing with the cycles of bipolar is much much easier if your closest friends know. Aside from that,i find myself in your exact same position a lot, over and over. But you have to remember, it is a cycle, things will improve at some point. Yeah they'll eventually get bad again, but to be successful in life you need to learn to cherish those good moments, no mater how rare they may seem, that applies to everyone, but especially people like us who have the complications of mental illness thrown into our daily lives.


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Re: Is it worth it? - January 14th 2011, 07:39 AM

Hey-

Thanks so much for your replies <3 I appreciate it. =)

I don't know, I feel like my downs are not worth living through. Even when I get a moment of happiness, I can look back and still feel suicidal because I know it's going to happen again. I just wish I didn't think like that but I don't know how to change it either. And to be honest, that is how it is. If that makes sense.

I want my closest friends to know, really badly. I want to be able to talk to them about it, at least one of my friends. But I don't know how to bring that up, I'd feel too much like I'm talking about myself in a self centered way. If they asked though, I'd have no problem telling them. Honestly I'd tell almost anyone the basics of my life. Many of them know I'm bipolar but they all say they never would have guessed and they still can't see it.
The friend who is living with me has even seen my scars from cutting but won't ask about them or anything. One time when I was in the ER and her and another guy took me and were sitting in the room, the nurse straight up asked me about my arms and I just brushed it off and mumbled that I had help, and was so unconvincing the nurse came back later when they were gone. My friend still didn't say anything, but looked baffled and confused, but I can't ever bring myself to say anything about it.

All the wishes in life I have all come out to mean one thing really, I just wish I even resembled normal. -_-



The best wayout is always through~
-Robert Frost

Proud member of the LGBT community.

   
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