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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
dawtango Offline
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Bipolar - January 23rd 2011, 11:18 PM

Hello everyone

I think I'll drive right in. Around about the time I moved from NSW to Victoria (it's about two thousand miles distance) I began getting moodswings. One day I'd be hyper, crazy, the next I would cry and get angry easily. The highs feel good, but I can't keep still, I'll laugh at almost anything. I've been asked by friends if I'm on something. The lows are horrible, just made worse by the fact I've been feeling good.

Sometimes I just get extremely apathetic, like nothing matters. That thought's crossed my mind a lot.

I see what the world is and always will be and I can't find hope. Because realistically speaking, it is human nature to make war. Does life mean anything? Or it just the survival of our race? The concerns of those around me, I'm afraid to say, I think petty. I mean, does it really matter if the house is clean or not? When thousands are starving?

I had a horrible break up. One which might be my fault. I treated my girlfriend like shit, being affectionate one moment, cold and distant the next. When I'm in a melancholy mood, I don't want anyone to touch me. I just want to be alone. My girlfriend started being cruel in order to get my attention. Then she left me for my best friend, who's very similiar to me, only male and emotionally stable.

Lately I've been getting what i think might be hallucinations. I swear that people are calling my name, but when I ask, my friends tell me they haven't said anything. Once I woke up, feeling like someone was touching my face, and I swore there was someone standing over me. I screamed, but when my stepdad came in, there was no one there.

I've thought of suicide before, especially when high up. It kinda gives me a thrill. The one time I was really serious about it, I stopped 'cause I realized how much it would hurt my family and friends.

There's a part of me that doesn't want to die.
   
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Re: Bipolar - January 24th 2011, 02:53 AM

First of all have you sought medical help? Either for the mood swings or for the potential hallucinations. It could really help. Have you thought of seeing a councillor of some sort?
It will be difficult for your friends to really understand unless they have faced anything like this.

Not all humans will make war, there is violence and there is crime and there is killing (also the potential for killing on a vast scale) but if the world were truly hopeless would the world not be ending right now? Mushroom clouds, cities burning? We certainly have the means to destroy the human race and have had for quite some time.
Eventually if you break it all down we will reach the conclusion (as you have said you are an atheist) that we are just here for the survival of the human race. How ever this conclusion neglects all the recreational and non-sexual social interactions we maintain and enjoy, no matter how few or far between some of them may be.
If you believe the end game is always a fail then the actions, concerns etc of those around you will seem completely and utterly pointless.
How would you change whether there were thousands of starving children or not? There is very little you could do so, as cruel as it may seem, thoughts about it (until you can do something) are pointless.

I can't pass too much comment on your relationships. I've ruined or been held responsible for destroying the few relationships I've been in.

I'm glad you could convince your self not to do it. It would have been an end far too permanent to a temporary problem.

As always I'm always here to chat.


The better part of valour is discretion - Shakespeare

We are punished by our sins, not for them - Elbert Hubbard
   
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dawtango Offline
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Re: Bipolar - January 24th 2011, 11:40 PM

I have seen a councillor before, but I find it difficult to verbalise how I'm feeling, especially with someone I'm not comfortable with. Which doesn't make much sense because I'm eloquent when it comes to the writter (or typed) word.

I think I need to clarify what i meant before: I know there is good in the world, I've seen it first hand after the Black Saturday bushfires here in Aus, but I think that there is never going to be a way the good in humanity will triumph over the evil. And yes, I know that i can't help it, and now that it will never truly be erased, but it doesn't stop me from feeling helpless.

My friends don't know how to deal with it, I agree. if I try to bring it up, to ask for support, they usually change the subject, though there have been times where I've had meltdowns and they've sat up with mer, even though it was midnight to make sure I was okay.

Thank you for your advice.
   
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Dzio Offline
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Re: Bipolar - January 25th 2011, 02:08 AM

I've been struggling with bipolar for about six or more years now, and I know that the journey you're on is a tough one.

Those highs feel great, and those lows feel terrible, and you want nothing more for it to stop, or for it all to end, because it seems useless to even try anymore.


But I know that there's help to be had. Counselors can be uncomfortable, but you can't get up. There's hope and help for your mood swings and possible hallucinations, you just have to want it bad enough.

Between the right medications and therapy, you can level out, and live a stable life. But a lot of it is about working hard towards your goal of stability, predicting your mood swings, and learning to talk yourself down off that hyper, self injurious ledge.

I think that you've got a great chance at finding help, dawtango. Keep your chin up.



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