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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
puala__koala Offline
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Age: 26

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Join Date: February 28th 2009

im such an idiot - January 26th 2011, 10:06 PM

tomorrow is the day i should have left this fucking place. if i wasnt such an idiot, i would be off to california tomorrow, and it would have been great.

but the truth is, im me. i started eating more than i should have about two years ago, and, a couple months ago, i just couldnt take it anymore. i was gaining too much weight. i started throwing up whenever i ate too much. because i cant control this, i cant go to california.

whats worse, my parents now treat me like im worthless. they keep on wanting to talk about my issues, where they repeatedly say things that usually make me cry. they try to do this to me every night. i dont want to talk about my problems. i dont wanna talk to them anymore, i dont wanna go to therapy anymore, and i dont wanna go get treated for my "eating disorder" and "depression".

its all my fault. if i would have controlled myself more, i wouldnt be in this mess. i would have worked harder on my college applications, i would have gotten more scholarships, and i would have gone to california. but i got fairly small scholarships, and im not going to california. im an idiot. i dont know what to do anymore. sure, i could try and work harder, but that will never change the shitty person i am. im worthless, selfish, and i dug my own grave by not controlling myself. i dont know what to do anymore
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Rose Bunny Offline
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Re: im such an idiot - January 26th 2011, 11:13 PM

First off, don't ever let ANYONE tell you you're worthless. As said by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". So please, don't let them!

Okay, so you didn't get a lot of scholarships. That doesn't make you stupid. My best friend got a perfect score on her SATs and she got rejected from every single Ivy League school. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what they are looking for. And besides, you said you got small scholarships. That means you got in somewhere and they liked you enough to give you free money. That's got to be enough to have you go somewhere.

I know it's not California, it's not where you've dreamed of. But just go. Do you know what you want to major in? Study really hard, work at your major, and maybe you can transfer to California in the future.

But in the end it won't really matter where you are. It's what you make of it. Go into the college experience, into every single day of your life starting right now, ready to take each moment for all it's worth. Ignore negative thoughts about yourself, coming from both your parents and your own mind. Focus instead on opportunities. Each day is filled with a whole lot of them!

You're suffering so much, I would seriously consider continuing to seek professional help. But look for someone who you feel comfortable speaking with. Find someone you like and ask your parents if you can go see them. I'm sure they genuinely want you to get help, so they will probably support your choice.

I want you to know that I care about you. From the four paragraphs of you that I have seen, I know that you are a worthy person with a heart and a dream and a potential. I don't really know how this site works yet, but I think there's a way to send private messages. Feel free to message me or write back here. Tell me how things are working out for you. I honestly care with all my heart. Everyone on this site does- that's why we're here.

Stay strong and never feel hopeless. Nothing is ever hopeless.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
puala__koala Offline
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Re: im such an idiot - January 29th 2011, 11:48 PM

Well I wanted (and still want) to go to a specific program in California. I could maybe take a gap year off to do it, but my parents think it's too complicated. Idk we'll see.

The thing that bothers me is that I couldn't go because I fucked everything up. I was the one who couldn't control herself with food. I was the one who had to throw it up later on. I was the one who told my psychologist, who ended up insisting I had a serious problem. I should have sucked it up, gone on a diet, and not have sought help. Although now I learned a lesson: I need to be a much stronger person so that I won't get the things I want taken away from me like they were.

Now I'm not throwing up quite as much, but I'm spending 2-3 or more hours per day playing videogames. The thing is, bringing and purging helps bring my stress down a lot more than videogames, so I'm much more stressed out than before. And I have to fit in at least an hour per day to exercise so I won't get fat (even though I barely eat). Sometimes nothing will calm me down, so I end up choking myself (and that usually knocks me out and I feel fine when I wake up). I just don't know how to deal with it all anymore. To deal with my stress, I've done just about everything and nothing that's healthy actually works. The only things that have actually calmed me down in the past are burning things, chocking myself, binging and purging, masturbating compulsively (like 3-4 hours per day), and doing opiates. I've explained this to my therapist over and over and I've gotten better but I always go back to the same shit! I don't know if treatment will ever get anywhere.

The worst part is, I have so much to do, I don't have 2-3 hours per day to calm down. I have this HUGE hometest to do by February 22nd and I just can't do it all without missing school. I guess I'll just have to miss school, but I know that it's my fault and that I should have concentrated on the hometest.

I've been going to therapy since I was 7 and they still haven't figured out what's wrong with me. I'd say that's pretty hopeless.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
allisontedford Offline
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Re: im such an idiot - January 30th 2011, 01:21 AM

hey. i really don't know what to say. I'm depressed myself and I struggle with eating disorders and abuse, i could tell you my story but i had tried sending it in somwhere and it erased so im too lazy to write it again...

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