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Unstable? Crazy? And a Thank You - February 6th 2011, 04:16 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, I've posted before, but I think it was a while ago.

First, I'd like to say, I have an appointment/evaluation coming up in March (or May, I always forget which-but its on a calendar), so yay. (pfff maybe yay)

I've been writing in a notebook to help me remember things, and just recently I had a conversation with one of the friends who helped push me that last little bit to make the appointment. They said "You're unstable. You've been that way since _______ and I have known you." I've know them for 5 years. I don't know if I've been this way for that long... But I must have, they've stayed my friends that long and are always worried for/about me. Honestly, usually the first thing they say is "Are you doing okay? Tell me how sh__s been." or something similar, and I mean past the usual civil 'How are you?'. This has just been proved to me tonight, and I could cry I feel so privileged and thankful for them as friends.

This site has been with me for ages too, a little less than 5 years, but I honestly don't think I would have made it to this point without Teen Help and my friends- so I want to say thanks to everyone on here for everything you have done for me and for everyone else who comes through. Seriously, you are all awesome people, and deserve to be told and to know. So thank you so much.

Its a long story, and I'm in a good mood, so I won't be putting down the whole thing (though if you need/want to know more ask), but I'll put what I can.

I have no idea when everything started, but I vaguely remember a suicidal period after a lot of crap went down in elementary school where I didn't tell anyone anything. That time has also made me so very terrified of ever developing an eating disorder (I am constantly on myself to eat properly/regularly) and since then we found out I'm diabetic (making my whole super focus on eating properly, not over/under eating or exercising even more important to me). More crap with diabetes which sucked. Falling outs with parents because of god knows what or why, we still live together but I have stopped actually sharing anything with them and refuse to talk about anything important (to me). School and job talk is an immediate shut down, I'd rather focus more on my head than on the world for now, so I shut off conversation there.
On the topic of talking, I do, but I honestly wish I were mute sometimes. It feels like a lot of the time when I talk, its a distraction for myself, or I'm just doing it so nobody realizes I'm not. I've always been a huge talker, so if I stopped it would be a big red flag to people.
I used to (they have since stopped, sort of) have horrible nightmares/daydreams/stuff I'd see when I blinked. Not quite like hallucinations, but I'd compare them to each other for sure. I don't really want to go into what I used to 'see' too much, but I will say one of the times its happened recently (it was more just a thought stuck in my head with horrible visualizations too) was the bus I was riding getting hit by a train as it crossed the tracks. Scared me quite a bit, but probably one of the least horrifying I've had.
I have felt different than what I think is me. I have times where I feel like my body is too large and I should be smaller (I have written this in my note book) and, hell, just today I feel like I should be in a different body than mine. I feel like my voice is to high, like I should be a guy or some such today (I'v also been having dreams where I am more... anatomically correct when I feel like this. Its happened twice in the last month or so, never before I don't think). I've felt different things, I can't relate them all, but one other time I can remember feeling strongly... different, was after one really bad fight and episode of 'seeing' things. I honestly felt like someone hugged me and then became a part of me, and they were more masculine and I was talking with a deeper voice unintentionally for a day or so after the fact. I cannot recall if I felt extremely different, but it happened.
My emotions are batshit, and I have laughed hysterically for reasons unknown to me, sobbed over something that should have made me happy, I used to SH (biting when I was very young and during the problematic period in elementary school, and pinching). I stopped (sort of, I pick my eyebrows now, but not to the point of pain or injury), and then a little while later I would hide an exacto knife if I felt I'd need that comfort (never did. ever. Threw it away ages ago). I did some stuff I'm not proud of along those lines, I punched a wall in, I hit things to get the pain occasionally, and I still do say I deserve to be hurt.
I like fast things, I like never stopping, I hate thinking. There is a lot of specifics to that, and they change often. The faster and louder music is, the better. That is almost for sure. I don't need to think when I have that going on. I hate thinking, I hate remembering things. I can tell when I am or am trying to, but I cant do it for some reason. Last time it happened, I completely broke down. I can't handle it, and I don't know why. I don't even know what I was going to remember. Some times I can remember things without any incident, but I hate it.
Last time I said I hated it because I hated me, and then I see how I changed and hate it more. I felt that way then, I don't know if I do now. That was maybe a week ago.
I hate needing people, but I need them so badly. Honestly I shut myself away most of the time I'm not in school, but I need people then. I'll text or go on msn/skype and chat a bit, but not much (unless I really need help). I have books, games and dolls I can use to fill the empty time. That and I can flex my cynical part of mind and complain about how stupid people are lol.

Like I said, that's not everything, but its about all I can stand to put up now. So, I suppose its your move now. I mostly posted this because it was suggested by a wonderful TeenHelper. I suppose I might as well use it to my advantage and try to think of all the different things I can write in my book that I haven't. If you have any questions, ask, it might help me get to the point where I can find more to add, or at the very least make it less stressful to have to tell all this to someone in a few short weeks.
   
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Re: Unstable? Crazy? And a Thank You - February 6th 2011, 04:41 PM

I've done some of the things you've done in the past lol and i'm glad that teenhelp has helped you out so much (: I just recently joined in Decemeber so i'm a rookie that this stuff. (: Anyhow i just wanted to let you know that i'm here for you if you ever need to rant or just for someone to talk too lol (: Pm me anytime!!!


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Re: Unstable? Crazy? And a Thank You - February 7th 2011, 04:56 AM

Thanks purplekc95! It means a lot that you even posted. I hope everyone here is a kind and wonderful to you as they have been to me.

I just want to add a bit to my first post. A little more I'm realizing.

I hate reality. A lot. I threatened a friend before that I was just going to live somewhere else inside my head. I said I'd still do what I needed to here, but inside I'd be elsewhere entirely. I did for a few days. I still do often. When I need someone, can't handle something, or just think real life is to boring, I go somewhere else.
My sleep is disrupted somewhat, I guess you could say. I'm not tired at all, but I am. I need to sleep, and get up in 5 hours, but I don't want to. I won't say I can't, because I can, it just takes a while. I'd much rather just sit here with music blaring because I focus on that, don't think, and my subconscious can't do anything I'll notice. Procrastinating hardcore- so hard I procrastinate sleeping. Yeah, I consider procrastination a symptom. I'm lazy, yes, but I will do stuff. I just procrastinate. I want to do it, but it gets put off insanely. Maybe that is just me being lazy, but other times I can do it no problem.
Okay, need to sleep, I think that's all I wanted to add. I should look through my notebook and add stuff.
   
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