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Freakshow Offline
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Red face I think I've finally got it figured out... I'm a perfectionist. - March 24th 2011, 12:23 AM

I've always wondered why I always feel so guilty about myself and have had a perpetual sense of low self-esteem (which, in turn, led to severe episodes of depression and triggered suicidal thoughts). After a bit of introspection, I think I've finally got myself figured out, and what I've found makes total sense in regards to what I do.

I am a perfectionist.

Every single wrong/bad thing I've done throughout my life (including small things like telling lies when I was as young as 4!) nearly always returns to haunt me. It doesn't exactly help that I have a really good memory too. So when there are so many bad memories of myself piled up, I'm bound to react very negatively to myself and to see myself as this horrible person who is so bad that she doesn't deserve anyone's care, love, or respect. The thing is, I still hold on to these memories of myself making mistakes even though most of the people who witnessed me making those mistakes have completely forgotten about them by now. It's really weird, I know. :/

Anyway, I'm sort of glad that I've finally got my problem figured out. Now I know exactly what it is and where it comes from. I'm also not surprised that I have this perfectionist mentality -- after all, I bring this same mentality to my studies as well, which sort of explains why I achieve at a very high level academically.

So now that you know my problem, what should I do in order to get all these overwhelmingly bad memories of myself goofing up off my back?
   
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Re: I think I've finally got it figured out... I'm a perfectionist. - March 24th 2011, 11:14 AM

No it's not weird, I do this too.
Obviously these memories bother you and me because they show an embarssing mistake, even if that incedent was years ago.
Everytime a bad memory pops up, close your eyes, breathe, and think about it. Did making that mistake kill you? Probably not. Therefore, it's not major in the grand scheme of things, and you don't have to feel guilty.
You can't get rid of memories, but you can rationalize until they don't really bother you anymore.
The whole perfectionism and low self esteem thing is probably because you connect doing everything perfectly with beeing a good or worthy person. Being a perfectionist is okay, there's nothing wrong with aiming for perfect. But perfect is something that no one can achive. Not being perfect does not make you a horrible person.
It's great that you're so introspective and you know yourself so well.
Love
Annali


"Every mushroom cloud has a silver lining"- Owl City
   
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Re: I think I've finally got it figured out... I'm a perfectionist. - March 25th 2011, 02:13 AM

Thanks for the answer! I think I'll try that.
   
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