Non-PG13 (Strong Language): BDD & BPD

[World]

Really driving me fucking crazy.
Has anyone else looked in the mirror and seen yourself physically morph and worp? Because I do.
It happens right infront of me.

And I really hate it. It really trips me.

So, I suffered BPD badly this time last year. Had a really bad episode for about 4 or 5 months. And then my best friend left me. Worst thing in the world. And I was depressed for a while, and it was horrible. And everyday, I hate myself more and more. And I'm tired of mindless sex that means nothing and terrible skin and drinking on weekdays, alone. And the thing is, you can't just make new friends when you're in a small school and everyone is convinced that you're a manipulating, game-playing, psychotic, little bitch. So, I was alone. And continue to be alone. And it's like my worst nightmare. It's hell.

I feel like a projector.
Before, I projected onto her and there were nice pictures and nasty pictures but at least it went somewhere, onto something. Now that she's gone, I still project just.. onto nothing, into space. And before it's like the symptoms were so exaggerated because there was someone else involved. But now, the symptoms are still there there's just no one to react to them. And I guess I hate that. It feels like no one cares. And I really hope there's someone who understands what it's like to lose a friend and not have them replaced. There is just this huge gap in my life where she used to be.
AND IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS.

Somedays, when I see her all I want to do is grab her by her hair and slam her head into the lockers. And sometimes I just want to cry. Somedays, I forget and I go to hug her and then I realise..

And it's hard now, because I have no one and she has loads of new, awesome friends. And I wonder why I don't. I have the same friends I had before. Except.. less. I have one close friend who lives 4 hours away and I haven't seen him in 4 months and I speak to him maybe once every week or two weeks. Is that even a friend? And it's one year since things started going wrong and they're going wrong all over again and I can't help falling back into the worst habbits and I can't help but feeling like I'm going to hurt someone. And I just don't want to be like this anymore.

Does anyone hear me?

[Katrina]

Hey,

I'm listening. (: I'm certainly no expert on BPD or BDD or really Mental Health in general (after all, I'm a second year student in college working towards a Family Studies degree), but I'd like to think I know a thing or two about the importance of having external support from friends and family when going through these rocky times.

I can tell from your post that you're clearly very intelligent and very perceptive about what's going on around you. From that, I'm making the assumption that you've probably done all kinds of research on coping with both of these disorders. However, just so I don't ignore that part of your post completely, I wanted to quote MayoClinic's suggestions for coping with BPD and BD

Living with borderline personality disorder can be difficult. You may realize your behaviors and thoughts are self-destructive or damaging yet feel unable to control them. Treatment can help you learn skills to manage and cope with your condition.
Other things you can do to help manage your condition and feel better about yourself include:

• Sticking to your treatment plan
• Attending all therapy sessions
• Practicing healthy ways to ease painful emotions, rather than inflicting self-injury
• Not blaming yourself for having the disorder but recognizing your responsibility to get it treated
• Learning what things may trigger angry outbursts or impulsive behavior
• Not being embarrassed by the condition
• Getting treatment for related problems, such as substance abuse
• Educating yourself about the disorder so that you understand its causes and treatments
• Reaching out to others with the disorder to share insights and experiences

Remember, there's no one right path to recovery from borderline personality disorder. The condition seems to be worse in young adulthood and may gradually get better with age. Many people with the disorder find greater stability in their lives during their 30s and 40s. As your inner misery decreases, you can go on to sustain loving relationships and enjoy meaningful careers.

In blue, I've highlighted something that I think, in making this thread, you've already begun to do. I point that out especially to encourage you to continue heading down this path - I really think you're on the right track, and I hope that you'll look into implementing some of these others things into your life.

In purple, I've highlighted what I would consider to be an evidence based statement about how things can certainly get better. I know the 30s and 40s seem like they're just centuries away, and I understand it even may be frustrating to read that, but perhaps instead, take that statement as a "there CAN be brighter days ahead, I just have to work towards them." I think establishing hope and holding onto such hope is incredibly important in dealing with ANY issue.

As far as BDD goes, MayoClinic also has some great suggestions:

Coping with body dysmorphic disorder can be challenging. It also makes it hard to do things that may help you feel better. Talk to your doctor or therapist about improving your coping skills, and consider these tips to cope with body dysmorphic disorder:

• Write in a journal to express pain, anger, fear or other emotions.
• Don't become isolated. Try to participate in normal activities and get together with family or friends regularly.
• Take care of yourself by eating a healthy diet and getting sufficient sleep.
• Read reputable self-help books and consider talking about them to your doctor or therapist.
• Join a support group so that you can connect to others facing similar challenges.
• Stay focused on your goals. Recovery from body dysmorphic disorder is an ongoing process. Stay motivated by keeping your recovery goals in mind. Remind yourself that you're responsible for managing your illness and working toward your goals.
• Learn relaxation and stress management. Try such stress-reduction techniques as meditation, yoga or tai chi.
• Don't make important decisions, such as having cosmetic surgery, when you're in the depths of despair or distress, because you may not be thinking clearly.

I notice that both of these start out by saying that living with these things can be hard. You're VERY strong for dealing with both, particularly in ADDITION to feeling isolated from your peers! Take pride in your strength, though. I think you're making accomplishments each and every day, whether you realize it or not.

I notice that you didn't mention your family in your thread--are they a part of the picture? I know that family members have a different role to play in your life than friends do, but you NEED to find some sources of positive, healthy support, no matter what sort of role those who can support you are playing in your life. On that note, have you ever thought about confiding in a teacher or a guidance counselor at school? Talking can help...

As far as making friends goes, I really just recommend that you look into joining some new teams/clubs/organizations this upcoming school year. If you join these groups based on your own interests, you're bound to meet others who are interested in the same types of things -- this mutual interest can make it easier to make friends, for sure.

I am sorry that you're dealing with this, and I certainly hope this reply finds you well. Take good care of yourself, and keep me posted on how everything is going. If you ever need to rant/yell at someone/ask for advice or feedback/whatever... my contact information can be found on my profile - I'm not usually too far from the computer. (:

[World]

Thanks Katrina, your reply means a lot.

My family are in the picture, but aren't neccessarily supportive. I think I'll private message you about it in more detail because you seem very nice!

But thank you, again, for your input on here. Could you post the link to the website you've quoted on here? It sounds like quite a helpful one.

xxx