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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jackaloo Offline
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Name: Carter
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At what point are you considered "antisocial"? - April 24th 2011, 01:53 AM

Alright. I'll try to keep this brief. I'm a freshman in a community college. I graduated in 2010. I had a great circle of friends, but many of them I never see anymore because of that big change, you know? Everyone goes their seperate ways and whatnot.
Anyways, one of my very best friends happened to stay close. She often invites me to events with her and new friends she's made at college and stuff. Bare in mind, this chick is a total social butterfly. She LIVES for hanging out with people. I don't. She rags on me for acting picky and fickle with her. The thing is, I've gone out with her before with people SHE met. I didn't like it. It's not that they're bad people, it's just that I didn't really feel comfortable. It felt like I was an awkward tag along since everybody knew everyone. I really hate it when she insists on introducing me to her friends since I usually never like them.
On top of that, a lot of my other friends who left are making all kinds of friends too. Why aren't I? I'm starting to feel like there's something wrong with me.

I miss my friends, but I'm open to making new ones. I make friends a LOT slower than my best friend. She makes me feel like I'm socially impared.
The main reasons I make friends slow is because I don't party. I don't drink or go out too late at night. I know, boring. I just don't like it is all. I'm comfortable with people who are mellow like me, but that's hard to find at my age. The main problem I have to pass though when making friends is that I'm transgendered. There's always this invisible wall between me and people because I'm so afraid of their judgement. If I like them, I want them to be okay with me.

I guess what I really need right now is reassurance. It's just that it's been a full year now in college, and I've only gone out with friends a fraction of the amount of time I did in high school. I feel like such a loner now. It's not like I sit at home though. I participate in activities that I love to do and leave the house every single day and try to stay busy. I think I'm just wondering what's causing me to feel like such a loser now. Sorry for whining, but hell, that's what this site is for right? Heh. Thanks guys.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Average Joe
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Re: At what point are you considered "antisocial"? - April 24th 2011, 03:06 AM

First, I have to tell you that we have so much in common! I'm a university freshman (I don't live on campus, but commute instead) as well, and I have felt socially isolated since I, like you, don't go out late or drink, and I feel uncomfortable spending time with friends of friends when I don't know them very well. It's not because I don't want to make friends; I'm just slower at it, just like you said you were. To a point, I thought your post was something I could have said myself!

Please know that this type of thing happens to all kinds of people for all different reasons. We all have a part of us that we're afraid others won't accept, even though a lot of people would accept us without a second thought. Don't be insecure about yourself, because there's no reason to be.

It sounds like you just haven't come across people that share your interests in the way that you would like them to. You also sound like you're making the effort to keep yourself from sitting around and isolating yourself. Perhaps you should take an initiative to forge friendships with other people who participate in the activities you love. You don't need to be best friends, but situational friends can really help you feel less lonely at times.

Sadly, I don't have any life-changing advice, since I'm still in this predicament myself. All I can tell you for sure is that you're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you. You're certainly not antisocial!

Take care!

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I've never been afraid of the wildest fights, not afraid of dying.

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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: At what point are you considered "antisocial"? - April 24th 2011, 03:24 PM

People will accept you for being Trans, and if they won't, they aren't worth your time. It's like an anit jerk/ignorance shield. Some good people might even be avoiding you because you are trans, for the same reason I sometimes do, they don't know what to say. When I see a gay person, I think "Do I treat them like a guy, or a gal? Do they like video games, or makeup?" a trans person probably makes the situation all more confusing. Act laid back, and try to seem somewhat uncaring, that way no one will worry about offending you too much, because I've learned many gay people aren't easily offended. Not at all how the media portrays them. It's a sterotype you will have to fight for your whole life. However as each day goes by, more people understand how unfair that stereotype is.

Anyway, just like in highschool university has clubs. Usually they have a club for people who are... I forgot the socially correct term, so I'll just say Gay, Lesbian, Trans, ect. If you're looking for like minded people that's a great place to look.
You could join a schoo newspaper if you're a writer. Not a whole lot of people read it, but you could give it a try.
Rec sports teams are a great idea too. If you don't want to, it doesn't need to be anything like basketball or football, but tenis or something, those generally require more skill and less brute strengh/speed.

If you have time for any clubs they're a great idea, and if you don't like it, don't come back, they're free, so try a few before you decide.

My sister was the only one of her twenty friends who went through english and history courses, she met quite a few people via clubs.

Or try forcing conversations, like wearing a T-shirt from your favourite bands ect. My sister made a few friends just by wearing an X-men shirt. Things like that are an icebreaker, it makes you seem more aproachable and gives a subject of conversation. It's like an invitation to talk to you.

- Justin

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Trash it, change it, mail, upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick, erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"

Last edited by NevermindMe; April 24th 2011 at 03:29 PM.
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: At what point are you considered "antisocial"? - April 24th 2011, 08:33 PM

Technically, to be "Antisocial" isn't to avoid social situations, but rather, "Antisocial" people do not follow the rules and behaviours of society. Like, someone who abused animals, frequently shoplifted, etc. would be exhibiting antisocial behaviours.

Some people are just more shy than others, but eventually, you'll open up.

Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
Overall, Dare to be yourself.

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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: At what point are you considered "antisocial"? - April 27th 2011, 10:28 AM

None of that is anti-social because you're misusing that term. What you're describing is asocial behavior. A person who is anti-social (an adult) will have a childhood record of harming animals and people, criminal charges (not all children will), deficient in feeling emotions, remorse, empathy and guilt. As an adult, many of them end up in prisons or jails but some don't. They ignore social rules so they harm others and/or themselves, etc... . It is for this reason they're labelled anti-social to mean "anti-social rules of functioning", NOT to mean "anti-social interactions", which is what you're describing.

One of the things that many people are oblivious to is conscious awareness of body language and facial expressions of others and oneself. People are unconsciously aware of them but being more consciously aware allows you to "read" people better and subsequently manipulate them (something I gather you're not planning to). I'm mentioning this because people may turn away from you based on how you carry yourself. It can tell people that you're not interested in talking even if you truly are. You can paint raccoon eyes onto your face and dress in black spandex with spikes, and if you can carry yourself in a way that's more open, you're more likely to get people to talk to you.

However, instead of waiting for a conversation, you start one. It can be about anything and don't worry if it blows off. Each time you talk with a stranger, you learn about ways of approaching them, typical responses, etc... . For example, if your university team is playing against another team, buy some clothing and accessories supporting your team. Walk around wearing it and just ask random people, such as when you're waiting in line, ask if they're going to the game. You can wear different clothing, such as for a movie, super-hero, band, etc... .

An alternative (takes more social confidence) is while waiting in line, ask the person ahead of you, in a casual manner, if they are _____. For example, go in the line and ask something like "hey, haven't I seen you in the psychology class with Dr. Smith?". Be confident in asking them and when they say they're not, give an apology for your mistake and do usual salutations. Or, go up to someone in a line and be confident that their name is Anthony (or whatever other name). If it is, then great. If not, then same as above.

Do these things if you find it difficult or you're unsure of what to say to someone. Just remember, it doesn't matter if you screw up the conversation. That's in part what makes people be "social butterflies": social confidence and they're not afraid that the conversation may blow off. They're also more open, both in what they say and how they act. If you talk to someone but keep your limbs close to yourself and hunch away, then it suggests you don't want to talk. If you talk in a soft voice that's hard for people to hear, some may ask you to speak louder or walk away. People who are "social butterflies" speak up loud enough for the person to hear and their body language and facial expressions indicate they're an open person to talk to.

You're going to talk with people where the conversations will be a bust. If it does, learn from it.

I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
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