I am a liar... the best kind..

[katie4evrr1]

I am pretty much a skilled liar.
In my mind I am afraid of people knowing what Im going through and the depression I have been suffering from. I have to go and get tested to see if Im BiPolar (i know its uncommon among teens so please dont focus on this) or if I am suffering a severe depression. Most likey I will be put on medication. If I am that means I'm crazy. i don't want people to have another thing they can use against me to hurt me.
So I lie. simple right? a fake smile, a fake laugh, a fake "yea Im fine". but i am struggling to find one person i connect with well enough that I can tell them everything. Well honestly when I think about it I do have one friend i would trust with my life but I can't do it... I don't think i can give up and admitt there might be something wrong with me..
So I use one skill that I have always had. The skill to act. Any good actress knows how to change herself and become a new person, a new charactor.
However, the mask has to come down eventually, the actress has to end the show and leave center stage. Thats when I cave into myself and block myself off from everyone, everything. I am trying to bring me back to myself, back alive. But I dont know what will help... I honestly feel alone and lost </3

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Having bipolar doesn't mean you're crazy at all, that's a social stigma people give to mental illnesses in general. It's nonsense.

When I read your post, I do think you're lying to others but you're lying to yourself in 3 ways. First, you're trying to hold an image that you are perfect because as you said, being bipolar means something MAY be wrong (keyword is may). Second, you're lying to yourself in that people are out to harm you. Perhaps others have harmed you in the past and present, however, not all people will. Some will want to help. Third, you're not fully lying to others. If someone asks you over and over if something is wrong, that means they're well aware you are struggling with something. When you say "I'm fine", it translates to "I don't want to talk about it now". When you add in the fake smile (people can tell it's fake depending how well you do it), the statement of "I'm fine" truly means "I'm not fine, I want some help, I want you to stay with me but I'm uncomfortable telling you and don't want to put you down". People are well aware something is bothering you, so you're not lying to them as much as you are lying to yourself; you're just not giving them access.

When you say "I'm fine", people respect the above translations. They may still want to help but don't know how to re-approach you without being refused again. The only hopes at that point become you tell them in bits, find someone with similarities or you find someone much more skilled at manipulation than you ever will be.

If you see a doctor, you don't have to say everything because psychiatrists and other mental health specialists don't simply record what you say. They record how you say it, how your body language is and how it all changes throughout the session. When they say something to you, they note down whether you fake a smile (many don't produce a "real" smile, quite easy to tell this) and your overall reactions.