Scared and confused and... concerned

[HushedAtonement]

I could really use some advice right now.

I don't have any traumatic early-childhood experiences to talk about, really. When I was about four, my parents got divorced and I don't really know the circumstances of it too well, but thing were strained for a while I think. My mother remarried when I was about five or six, my step-dad and I were okay, but he's always been more of a friend than a parent-figure. His daughter is seven years older than me and we get along really well. My father remarried around the same time and I truly, truly hated his wife. She used him, took advantage of his money and constantly swore at him or tried to hit him. When they got divorced about a year and a half ago, I was unbelievably relieved.

I had an okay school experience, but I was really a "loner". I had about two or three close friends but I spent a lot of time alone, reading or living in my own little world. I wasn't too bullied, but I was an outcast. People laughed at me sometimes and made fun of me, but I don't remember too much of that time, I guess, out of choice, because I didn't enjoy my time there too much. There was one experience that I never told anyone. I had never thought it to qualify as sexual harassment, because I was about nine and he was about ten, but there was a boy in school who, well, pretty much harassed everyone. And no one did anything about it, his mother even got away with complaining to the school about the school's behaviour toward her son. He used to force girls to kiss him and do more if he could. With me, he got as far as forcing me to kiss him, lying on top of me, but I... don't remember much else. But I've never told anyone.

So, after that, I don't remember much noticeable happening up until I was about twelve and moved to secondary school. Again, I found my niche with the 'losers'. The people who were regarded as nerds and outsiders, but they were my friends. Popular people still made some fun of us, but they mainly found a way to make fun of me by mocking my bad grades. I'm not exaggerating in the whole "I'm going to fail" way, I seriously failed. I got the lowest marks in the entire class and that's not a joke. And people, even I, made fun of that. I was told that I would fail more than I've been told that I would succeed and subsequently, I find it hard to believe that I can succeed at anything at all.

When I was thirteen, my mother fell ill. We were on holiday and she got a thrombosis in her head. This caused her to lose memories and she was in hospital in a strange country for a while, with me having to translate because my step-dad doesn't speak English. I never allowed myself to cry or break down because of it, because my stepdad did and someone needed to be strong. My mother is now better, but still unable to work, unable to stay awake for long or remember much. There was a time when she didn't remember me and often she will forget things. My dad asked me if I wanted to go to a Boarding School here in the UK and I said yes, because I had always wanted to and because I couldn't deal with it anymore.

I've been happy here, I guess. I finally stopped failing classes and I felt freer. But my mother still sends me e-mails saying she will take me back home and people never understand that I don't care if that will never happen, it still scares me a hell of a lot. And then my father wonders why I can't send her letters easily when he asks me to stay in contact with her.

Wow, this is a hell of a lot of writing. But, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared. I don't feel well, even if I have spells of happiness, I remember things or something happens and I get utterly depressed again. Even when I hide behind watching TV shows or movies, I can be happy for the duration of the show, but then no more. I practically live through them, because it's the only way I can feel happy, to see others happy.

And what slightly scares me is that when people talk about voices in your head, they make it sound like that should be a case for a mental hospital. And I have voices in my head. Not vicious voices, but... well, voices. It's like I am making up people to help me cope by imagining them telling me I can succeed, imagining that I can talk to them, etc.

I've taken a lot of those online tests and I have apparently enough symptoms for pretty much everything, ranging from clinical depression, schizotypal, borderline personality, schizophrenia, etc. And I just want to know what it might be and how I can tell people that I think I might have this or that. Because I find it hard to believe people will believe me and not just blame it on stress. It's not stress, it's a hell of a lot more than that, but I just don't know how to tell people or be sure about it.

Help?

[Jen]

Hey,

Good for you for writing this all out! I can imagine it wasn't the easiest thing to do. It sounds to me that there's a lot going on that you really want to tell someone about, but you're scared to. That's totally understandable--it's hard to imagine telling someone about the personal things going on in your life!

It's very common for depression, or any other mental illness, to kind of "underly" everything else going on; which could be why you feel depressed even when on top, there is a brief hiatus of happiness or something else.

Be wary of those online tests. Years ago, I took a lot of them, and just about diagnosed myself with everything, when in reality, I didn't have those disorders. They can be very misleading and that's why it truly is the case that only a doctor can diagnose you.

With that, makes me think of the voices in your head. Online tests might ask you something like, "Do you hear voices in your head?" and an answer of "yes" will indicate schizophrenia. But in reality, everyone has voices in their head. I frequently imagine people talking me through things, I have a positive voice in my head that comforts me, etc. That's totally common and normal. That's different from problemantic, disordered voices in your head, which would be where you truly hear voices that make you think that someone is actually talking to you (versus knowing that you created the voice or are conjuring it up) or if the voices are telling you to do bad things. From what you said, it doesn't sound like this is the case.

I think talking to someone is truly a good idea--I so remember that fear of thinking nobody would believe you, but there honestly isn't a reason for them NOT to believe you--especially when they hear everything you just wrote out (you could even bring in this post if you don't want to repeat it all). Feelings are always legitimate, no matter what. It is your right to talk about these things. I promise!

Best of luck.