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daisyrock7 Offline
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Exclamation I hate myself and what i am - May 8th 2011, 07:07 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm a 17 year old girl who really really needs help. I can't stand myself anymore, i feel like i'm acting for everyone, putting on a brave face because i'm not happy. I pretend to be happy and i'm known as a funny girl but everyone has expectations of me that i feel like i have to force myself to meet, to make other people happy. I also just got out of a messy break-up where now all of his friends don't like me and it's eating away at my mental health because i hate it when people don't like me. Even if i've made mistakes i try to fix them because i honestly thought i cared about people, but everyone is telling me that i only care about myself, and i'm starting to believe them.
I want to go to drama school sososo badly, but i know how difficult it is to get in, but at the same time i don't know what else i'd do with my life but act, i mean, it's what i do every day, act like i'm happy. I didn't get in this year, and it killed me, even though i know that it's so difficult to get in, a voice is telling me that it's because i'm not good enough for anything.
I used to be so happy and energetic, but now i just feel so drained because i hardly sleep at night with stress and anxiety and i develop stress rashes all the time. I often wonder if i commited suicide i wouldn't be such a burden on my parents. They've bought me everything i could have wanted but i just want to be someone else, someone beautiful and thin and talented.
I've self harmed before and made myself sick because i'm so angry. I recently have been so awful to my parents but i feel like i'm trapped because i'm not a very clever person and i have so many A level exams coming up that i can't face. I can't revise for them because i can't find the motivation to do anything but mope and hope that something good is going to come along for me.

I've been in this situation for around 6 months, and i feel like there's no hope for me anymore. I tried talking to a therapist but that was no use so i want to know if anyone has been in anything like i am now, and what you did to help yourself. Please
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AkiliRose Offline
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Re: I hate myself and what i am - May 9th 2011, 11:59 PM

I once thought i had to do everything and anything to please people. It screwed me up. Don't bother doing it, be yourself. Sometimes you ought to fake a smile, but not always. For just a little while, think about yourself. What do YOU need? What do YOU want?
Also, the break up thing? The same thing happened to my sister. They actually had a 'Blahblah-Broke-Up-With-SoandSo' party. It really hurt her feelings. And not only that- it got worse. Her next boyfirned- about three years later- had a crazy stalker ex. She told my sister's boy friend's mom that she and Alex had had sex and that my sister had also. That put us on really bad terms with his mother untill just rescently. But she made it through, just like you can.

You are a wonderful person, from the sound of what you've posted here. It's alright to be a little selfish, because sometimes it'll kill you if you aren't. Go out and grab some ice cream! Some chocolate or candy- anything sweet to eat!! I hope this helps!!!!

I feel like the night, so dark, and quiet
I feel like the wind, Charging forward foolishly with out thought
I feel like the snow, cold and strange
I feel like a wolf, a lonely song calling out
I feel like the moon, Alone and afraid
Pulled towards something much greater than I

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acting, expectations, hate, self harm, stress, unhappy

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