Consistent inconsistency.

[jenanigans]

I don't know, guys. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm not okay. I tried to believe I was okay for so long but it gets worse and worse and now I'm actually scared. I think my frantic seeking out help on the internet at 1 in the morning really shows that.

I say I don't know a lot because I never know. I don't know who I am because who I am isn't consistent. There's like two extreme sides of me. I go through these phases, okay? One mood is...bliss. Just, immortal. I take on a lot of work and have a million genius ideas that I'll stay up all night writing like a frantic madman without sleep because I feel no need for sleep. I wanna be a writer so when I'm in this mood I feel like NOTHING will stop me from achieving my goal. Like I was born for it, like it will be so easy to achieve. I'm the life of the party, maybe too much, with friends. I just need to be doing something, anything. Even if it's just excessive cleaning. I need to do it. I feel like there isn't enough time for me to enjoy everything so I just soak up every little moment. It's like I'm high. I really cannot explain it. And I miss that so much...I had it just days ago...

Now I'm in the other mood. The one that makes me stop being a functioning member of society. I feel physically and emotionally dead. I feel like my life should be in black and white and that life should not waste the energy of being in color for me because I don't appreciate it anyway. I stop eating almost completely because it actually makes me uncomfortable to eat. More than that, it makes me uncomfortable to talk. And I shut my phone off and don't make plans because the thought of having to put on a game face in front of anyone is just exhausting. And if I do have to be with people I feel like I'm fighting back vomit the whole time. Like I'm doing hard labor with a 102 fever and I'm being watched by my supervisors, not allowed to throw up. I'll lay in my room for HOURS upon hours doing literally nothing. Sometimes I'll watch something or listen to music but that's it. I stop writing, stop trying to think of ideas because I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try my dream will never ever come true so what's the point. I don't kill myself because I feel this immense guilt, like I already have killed myself, this guilt that I've destroyed my family...so I don't kill myself even though I think about it 24/7 and get even more depressed because I feel like I have no choice but to be here. This is the phase I'm barely coping with now.

My grades alone going from straight A's to incompletes do a good job at portraying where my mind is at. And the most confusing part is, this cycle doesn't fit with anything. It's not even like it makes sense with what's going on in my life or my period or something..it's just totally and completely random.

The reason I'm finally swallowing my pride and seeking help is because it's getting worse. I mean, really worse. I've started getting paranoid to almost an insane level. When I'm up at night not sleeping as usual and hear noises I feel like aliens are watching me through my house, waiting for the right time to take me. Either that or I think there's a murderer outside my house waiting for me to sleep so he can come in. And I very firmly believe it to the point where I'll have a panic attack and sweat until it's proven untrue.

What do I do? I'm too afraid to go to a doctor because I'm afraid they'll admit me to a hospital which will just destroy my whole life. Future jobs, future love interests...as soon as they find that out they'll drop me. And even if I didn't think they'd admit me, where would I go? Do I go to an ACTUAL doctor first or someone in a hospital or just find any therapist? Do I get an evaluation? I'm too afraid to ask my parents. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live like this forever. I really can't. And I don't know the first thing about where to begin if I needed help. This is the furthest I've ever come. Someone please tell me what they think!

[jenanigans]

No one can help me? NO one? This is no different than my actual life.

[CollegeStudent19]

Okay. I know exactly how you feel. Especially your 6th paragraph. It sounded like it came right out my mouth.
First of all, do you have anyone in your life that you can talk to about this?
Second, I do think that it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist. It might help you to figure out why you may be feeling this way and it could make you feel better.
As for resources, there are a lot out there. You could even start by asking a counselor at your school.
If you ever just need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me anytime. I'm sorry it took so long for me to comment on this.

[Hide and Seek]

Hey,
Don't take this as an official medical diagnosis, but from what you've described, it sounds to me like you have bipolar disorder. The extreme, manic 'highs' which you mentioned (that often include insomnia) usually precede the extreme 'lows', which you also described (depressive symptoms, not wanting social contact, etc). I know a few people with bipolar, it is treatable! But I would recommend you see a psychiatrist. Everything will be okay though. PM me if you need anything!

[CrimeStopper]

First of all I'm so proud of you for taking the first step and posting here! :-)

All we can do here is tell you what we all perceive to be wrong. As you know we aren't doctors so we don't really know for sure. I personally go off my life experiences to gauge what I think. Telling your parents maybe a good idea. It may make you feel better. Maybe they will help you with your journey to feel better.

But it does sound like a type of bi-polar maybe. There are a few different types of bi-polar. But a lot of time depression is by fact involved with bi-polar. You would have to get evaluated to see what type or if at all if you have bi-polar.

What I think you should do is go to a doctor. They will more then likely not admit you into a hospital. They can not just do something like that they need to have a reason and probably cause that you may harm yourself or someone else. So do not be afraid to go to a counselor. That is the first step. It will be hard to start anywhere else without going to a counselor first and finding out exactly what you should be diagnosed with.

The counselor will do all your evaluating when you start your sessions. Going to the counselor they are always evaluating you trying to figure out the best way to approach your problems and all the underlining problems to target. They will end up diagnosing you with the mental health issue if any. Maybe you just need someone to tell your problems to.

Google search counselors in your area. Many will come up and pick the one that is maybe closest to you, has the most experience, cost to go. Whatever you feel you want to judge the counselor on as to the one you pick to see. Once you find the one you want to use call up the office and just tell them you would like to make an appointment with either a specific doctor that you saw online or just an appointment with the next available one. The first step that YOU need to take is finding the counselor that you want to see.


Jobs and a DECENT love intreats will not just drop you because you have a mental health problem that you deal with. As you know the only way a job will drop you is if you are a bad employee and don't follow the rules. But not because you may have depression or bi-polar. If a love intreats drops you because you do then they weren't worth your time anyways. Decent men will not drop someone because of a mental problem. They will support and try and uplift you.

Mental health is nothing you should feel scared about. You should challenge it and take it into your own hands and let it know who is boss, and that's YOU! Your on the right track! Find the counselor and call them to make an appointment. You shouldn't hold back your feelings. Let them out to someone. Even if you just keep coming on TeenHelp and venting. I'm here, you can always send me a essay long message and I'll get back to you ASAP. I know the down stressed feelings are hard but they can get better. But you need to take them into your own hands! Good luck and keep us posted!

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/

[imissyou]

heya,
im sorry you are feeling so bad, but well done for coming on here and letting it out
this was the first step and probably the hardest
this is only my opinion:
what you're describing does sound like some bi polar type condition (but i am not in anyway psychiatric trained)
i think your first port of call should be to your gp. if you feel comfortable enough telling anyone close to you how you feel, you could take them along with you. your gp will be able to refer you to the right people to help you, and possibly start you on some medication in the mean time. they will probably not admit you to hospital, they try and do everything to keep people out of hospital. and you are asking for help, that is a good thing, and they will also see that.
i'm so sorry that i havent seen this post before, my laptop has been messing up, but i am here most nights, feel free to pm me whenever you need/want to.
i hope you are ok, please keep us updated, we DO care
xx

[jenanigans]

I just read these last 2 responses, thank you so much guys. They were really in depth and helpful and I could not thank you enough. Seriously.

Sorry I disappeared, I went through this stage of thinking nothing was wrong again and feeling invincible so I stayed away from help. Looking back on the extremely high stage I was in NOW, I see that even that needs fixing. I hiked a mountain at 8 in the morning, partied hard at night, ran, danced, laughed, pursued guys, etc. I wore myself out and did/said some very impulsive things I shouldn't have. I'm really gunna take advantage of the mindset I'm in right now and get help this week. I'm pretty scared at how much worse it gets every time so I think I'm gunna see someone immediately. I adore you guys. You've done more for me than anyone.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

There are three general ways of seeing a psychiatrist and they reflect the urgency. I'll state them in terms of least urgency:

1) See a family doctor or GP, tell them what is going on and have them give a referral to a psychiatrist as an out-patient. This means you may see the psychiatrist either in-hospital (but would not be an inpatient) or you see the psychiatrist in an office outside the hospital. Either way, you may also meet a psychotherapist and social worker.

2) You go to the hospital, meet a crisis nurse, see a psychiatrist but are not admitted to the psychiatric ward. You may stay one night elsewhere in the hospital for observation purposes. If nothing extraordinary occurs during the observation, the psychiatrist would evaluate you in the morning or afternoon.

3) You enter the hospital via emergency, meet a crisis nurse, see a psychiatrist and ARE admitted. This can either occur by voluntary admission or involuntary admission (allows the doctors to legally enforce involuntary treatment).

I have seen people go through each form I mentioned. For the latter's involuntary admission, it is usually when you are out of control and cannot or will not listen to the doctors and pose a risk to yourself or others. It can also include being brought in by others, such as police, where the most likely reason is intoxication on some sort of drug(s) or threats/actions of suicidal behaviour.

Your employment will not be affected by your psychiatric history. Legally, employers are NOT allowed to ask you to list anything from your medical history for most jobs (by most I mean almost all). If the job is one of which they are not allowed to ask but they do ask, they can have a might fine lawsuit coming their way because they have breached federal and provincial/state laws. However, employers are allowed to ask you questions such as:

"are there any medical/psychiatric conditions you know of that may impair your ability to perform the necessary tasks for this job?"

This means if you have a psychiatric condition, you are not obligated to list it, unless you have a very strong feeling it will affect your performance.

Chances are you will be given medications to take. These do NOT mean you're insane, out of control, lunatic, never able to function again, etc... . It's like any general medical condition, you take the medications until the symptoms are either gone or reduced so much they're negligible. You will have to see the psychiatrist and their job is to ensure the medications are working, so it's usually a short session. The psychotherapist (may not need one but often is recommended or required) will have longer sessions with you and their role is to instill changes that can be kept for the long-term.

As you can probably guess, I do study psychology but I don't study social psychology or any psychology that is not geared to biology. I'll be taking one course in psychotherapy but all my studies are generally biology-based, so I focus in pharmacology (i.e. studying medications, including ones you may take), neurobiology (i.e. studying how your entire nervous system functions at an organ level and molecular level), general physiology and pathology, and criminology. If all this made little sense, it means if there are questions about medications, that's more toward my area of focus, however, if you want someone to talk with who has been in the same/similar situation, I'm not your person.