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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
hellavein Offline
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Question help me before i do something stupid.. - May 14th 2011, 12:48 AM

i am 19 right now, about to graduate from high school.
ig i would have to tell you about most of my life for you to understand what position i am in i was born without knowing anything about my father... my mother couldnt support me alone so she mooched off my grandparents.which makes me feel like a burden right off the bat to both my mom and grandparents. i had a really good relationshiop with my great grandma when i was a child. but now she has altzheimers and i cant even seem to show anyemotion towards this..
we moved out of texas when i was about 4 or 5 and moved to Utah.
i remember that my 1st grade teacher made me change my name bc there was another kid in my class with the same name as me.
i only made one friend in that class and he wasnt much of a friend.
he would always use me and pick on me. i was young so i didnt know any better at the time; that what he was doing was not what a friend is supposed to do.in Utah my mother was hooked up by the church we went to with a man who would soon be my step father.
he seemed like a nice friendly man at the wedding. which was the first time
i met him. a couple days after the marriage my mom took me from my grandparents and rented out an apartment in a small apartment complex.
i made a friend there that i could actually call a true friend.
we did everything together in the short amount of time we had together.
a month after my moms marriage i noticed something strange.
my step dad started coming home late drunk and out of his mind.
it slowly became an everyday thing for him to come home drunk and out of his mind. like a week after this started he started to come home the same, but hewould also start verbally degrading me and my mother while beating both of us with whatever he could find. this went on for months. my mother was lying to my grandparents about what was going on. the abuse went on til my step dad threw my mother off the balcony and broke several of her bones.she was in the hospital for a couple of days. i stayed at my friends house in the apartment complex. my step dad came to my friends house the day after the incident. he busted down the door and yelled at my friends momto tell him where my mother and i was. my friends mom replied "why"? my step dad said plain and clearly "so i can kill them." the whole time while this is going on i am hiding with my friend in the back bedroom while his mom is calling the cops. the cops arrested him. the day after his arrest we started getting death threats from his family and friends. so we decided to move to north carolina. my mom stayed in utah to go to court agaist my step dad. while i was taken by my grandparents to north carolina. in north carolina i was pretty popular in second grade and had alot of friends, but only a few of them i really hanged out with..
north carolina was the peaceful time of my life.we had to move again after my second grade year tho bc my step dads family
found us again, and started sending us more death threats.
i lost all my friends that i gained over a day.
this time all of us, me, my mom, and grandparents moved to texas again.
i was in third grade and i made like two friends. we would always hang out
after school. halfway through the year tho we were outside throwing a
football around, and i got it and one of my friends told me to hand it to him.i told him no bc i havent gotten to throw it really. he then starts beating me up before he takes the football away from me. my other friend just stood there while this all happened.. i didnt have anyone to talk to or play with after that day. after i finished third grade my grandpa who was the only one actually working, found himself a better paying job up in indiana.so we moved there. i had to start from scratch all over again.. my fourth grade year consisted of me going to school everyday getting bullied, beat up, severely degraded by not just the whole class but by my teacher too, then going home and just play games and watch tv by myself.. emotionally and physically abused everyday was my fourth grade year along with severe solitude..
my fifth grade year everyone toned down a bit on the bullying and all the
other stuff.. that was due to my shyness which i developed due to
everything that had happended in my life. i did make two friends that would stick with me til half of eighth grade. these two friends were friends
but nonetheless they would also bully me too. i made a friend near the apartment complex me and my mother lived at. i would always go to his house to play games. then one day at his house when his parents werent home, he forced me on the floor of his room and raped me.. i didnt hang out with him for a couple of months. i started hanging out with him again cuz he said he was sorry, and i had no other friends really.. while i was up in indiana, my mom started to physically abuse me and she started to move further away. she didnt get me anything anymore or anything. she was no longer my mother, she was more like a room mate.i didnt know where to put that.. half way through eighth grade we got another death threat. so we moved again. this time we moved back to
where i lived when i was in third grade. another fresh start..
i somehow made friends with some bullies. maybe bc they realized they could tell me to do something and i would do it no matter what cuz i didnt want to be bullied again.. that was basically my eighth grade year.. nothing happened really during my freshmen year thank GOD. my sophomore year i started doing weed. it helped me escape from life and these always present memories of mine.. my junior and senior year havent been that bad.. except that i would start getting severe mood swings. it would be so bad that i couldnt tell what i was feeling aswell as me talking to one of my friends while i was happy then i suddenly become saddened almost..i cant smile anymore. i hear my grandparents and mom talk bad about me behind my back.if you see me smile its fake. i have these weird changes of thoughts and conciousness all the time that make me do things that i would normally never do. like i cant control what happens and i dont want it to happen but my body and words say it differently than my mind.. i cant do anything anymore without a past memory popping up and causing me to have a mental break down. i cant even hold a normal relationship anymore with friends, family,or a girlfriend. i dont feel like doing anything cuz in the end i still feel useless at best. i cant feel emotions really anymore.. i am afraid of the future cuz im afraid of it repeating my past.. i cant seem to stand up in front of people or talk to people unless they initiate contact first due to my shyness..
i forgive people too fast, i tend to trust people too fast aswell as not
trust them at all..just to be torn to bits in the end, making me feel as if no human interaction would be best for me..
i have no more ambition to live or anything.. i have just given up on life overall.i just cant go on in life like this i hate feeling empty inside and feeling worthless and everything else. i dont know whats wrong with me and i need help from someone on here cuz i dont have the courage to tell anyone in my life about it,so please help me find out whats going on with me before i finally give in to my suicidal callings..
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
tamz Offline
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Re: help me before i do something stupid.. - May 17th 2011, 04:56 PM

Hey, I'm so sorry you've have to go through all this! It sounds like you've been through such a huge amount in your life! Even just some of those things are too much for one person but you've been through so much more. I'd be surprised if you weren't feeling the way you do. Problem is, there's only so much we can say here. I honestly don't know what to say other than I really think you should talk to someone about this in real life. If you feel unable to say any of those things, maybe you could print out this thread and hand it to your doctor?

You are NOT worthless and even though it doesn't feel like it right now, things will get better, I promise. You really can't do this alone though.

I'm sorry I don't know how to help, I just want you to know I care and that you don't have to do this alone.
   
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