I see no options for me

[jenanigans]

Something is wrong with me. I have extreme highs and extreme lows and right now I'm in one of the lowest lows I've ever experienced. I had a full on screaming, slapping my own head, putting a straightener against my skin multiple times episode yesterday and half of it was in front of my family.

The worst part is they won't get me therapy. They think I'm using my emotions as a 'cop out' to my responsibilities in life. WRONG. When I'm in my extreme highs I take on extra work and I made it on the deans list a few months ago. The newest low I've gotten in just made me stop caring...stop doing work, stop getting up FOR work, stop responding to normal situations, stop making coherent sentences... I can't fucking help it and all I want to do is die. It's all I think about 24/7. I can't bring myself to do it 'cause I'm a coward so I just fantasize about it all the time when I get like this. I just wish I could bring myself to do it.

My parents won't get me help, won't look at me the same and just keep telling me to control myself and stop being a screw up. So why shouldn't I wanna die? If I can't get help and I can't stop being this way what else am I supposed to do?!

[CollegeStudent19]

Why don't you try to get help for yourself? Your family obviously doesn't want to help you.
I would suggest maybe going to your local hospital and tell them what's going on. They will help you there. Yes I know that may be hard to do, especially on your own and without your family's support, but it will help. There you can talk to somebody and find out why you're having these highs and lows. Killing yourself is not the right answer. Whatever you are going through, I'm sure it can be fixed and can get better.

[jenanigans]

I guess. I'm just..I'm afraid they're gunna admit me for evaluation. That'll haunt me forever.

[CollegeStudent19]

I've been admitted before for evaluation and it's really not that bad.
No it's not a dream vacation or anything, but it really did help me out.
It gave me a break from everything at home and it just gave me time to think.
There were tons of people to talk to, and I could talk to them about anything and everything.
Why would that haunt you?

[jenanigans]

Really? I don't know if I could deal with such a strict scheduale...falling asleep without music or tv...I'd go even more insane. But I do need an evaluation. So bad.

I think it would haunt me like...it would be on my record forever. Future jobs, future love interests would all think differently of me...

[CollegeStudent19]

That's exactly what I thought too. I thought I would never be able to get a good job or anything, but the truth is that nobody has to know about it.
The only people that would know about it would be the one's you tell.
Plus, they may not even think that you would need to be hospitalized. You could go in and talk to them and they may refer you to therapy or a psychiatrist or psychologist or something.
I would give it a try. I think that only positive things would come out of it.