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BriLizyT Offline
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Name: Sabrina
Gender: Other
Location: Wisconsin

Posts: 13
Join Date: December 28th 2009

Exclamation Inhale Exhale - June 1st 2011, 10:48 PM

Hello everyone
I am very contradictory in my personality.
(The next few things aren't exactly related to the above statement, nor are they necessarily linked to each other. Please just do your best to find the dots in the midst of my rambles and connect them according to your own interpretations. Because I certainly cannot find the dots to make lines between.)
When I'm with people, people I can't seem to relate to(which is almost everyone) I feel silenced. I become anxious. So anxious and silenced that I feel like I'm suffocating. I choke up then...well, when this happens, when I'm nervous, I have the urge to hug someone.

Hug someone so that I have something, someone to hold on to and keep grasp of as I'm falling in on myself.

I also have the urge to sing and/or scream. I need to belt and yell. To be heard without judgement. To express and regurgitate some of my emotions in sounds, when words cannot express them.

However, I fear that if I sing randomly, then I will put people off more I already do.

Enough with nervousness.

Let's talk about my general mood.
I'm always upset with something. I am never genuinely happy.
When people try to get through to me, much less get anything out of me, it never works. I just don't seem to have any real people who genuinely care about me at my school, or maybe it's just that I don't have people that I really care for.

Either way, that makes it hard to maintain and make friends.

I can nearly always find some way that an individual bothers me.

And the people that I do care about, that I am inspired by, that are my idols, I'm too shy to approach.

I feel like I would be way too much to handle.

Hell, I can't even handle myself.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm not even human. I don't want to be confined to a body. I never like to look in a mirror, consciously move my hand, move my face, and realize that that creature in the mirror is me. I feel like I'm not meant to be human. I'm socially awkward, I can't communicate, and I can't relate. I sometimes wish I could just be an invisible spirit. No, not even that. Just...a...something.

I could probably relate more to my cat than I could to any human. Acting by instinct, having a simple life, fending off foes with growls and slashes, like a monster. An arrogant, high-maintenance violent uncaring monster.

All of the enveloping love that people talk about within their friend groups, I just can't feel it. I wish I could, but it seems like no one can lend me a helping hand, no one that I care about.

It's funny. Well, not really, but listen to this: If I met someone else like me, I would probably be intimidated, nervous, afraid, and just think them a freak.

What a hypocrite.

It's rare that I find someone to love.

It's like the only person in my family that I genuinely love anymore is my brother. It's not that he necessarily understands. (Well, I'm pretty sure he does. He doesn't give any indication to me that he doesn't, so I believe it's safe to assume that he understands.) He just accepts it. He cares about me for who I am. And I care about him.

I was thinking of wrapping it up right here, but I have more to say.

Regarding others confiding in me and doing my best to give them advice or to simply comfort them because that's what friends are expected to do.

Here's how it is with me and people confiding in me:

I hear sob stories all the time. I am so used to hearing traumatic stories from and about people I know. So much so that I'm numb to them.
So, for one thing, I usually don't care at all, unless I genuinely care about the particular person who is confiding in me. It's like I hear them, but I don't really listen.

The reason for that being: I either don't listen because I don't care or I don't listen because nobody ever listened to me so I gave up on listening to others. Ooh, or that the particular individual hasn't returned the favor and/or kept up their end of the friendship. Ooh, or that I feel that I could never give sufficient reliable advise to them and I would rather not have them waste their time on me because I do not feel that I could benefit their situation or life in any way.

In any case, I usually don't really listen and/or care.
I hate that. I want to apologize, but not about not caring about the individuals who have trusted me enough with their dearest secrets, but for treating others that way.

It seems like no matter what, everything I talk about, it always shifts to me. I feel so selfish like that.

Also, if I do give advice, I don't say it outright, but I sound condescending and I make it seem like it's such an easy thing to figure out. I don't mean to. I know things are hard. It just comes out like that. Though, I do believe that many of the people that I come in contact with are idiots. It's so insensitive of me.

I used to be so caring. I genuinely cared about people.
Even now, usually the first word that people use to describe me is "nice", "caring", "genuine." I'm not nice to you in my head. I don't really care about you. I'm not "genuine" worth sh**. It's all lies. If I were completely honest with people, I would probably have no friends.

I want to improve myself. I really do. I want to care for those who care for me. I just don't know how. No matter how much I want to care, I can't make myself care. If my subconscious doesn't care, the truth in the core, then I definitely won't care.

Usually, when I tell someone I feel unloved, I don't mean that I feel that others around me don't love me so much that I don't love myself. I feel unloved because I don't love myself.

Also, when you respond, reply, answer this post, don't tell me:

-"Don't worry. You're not alone in your struggles. "
(I already know this. I don't doubt that there are others out there that have/are experiencing the same things that I am. I don't care about that. Sure, okay, others can sympathize, but knowing that doesn't actually help or even focus on my situation at all.)

-Don't share your own experiences unless you feel the dire need to. (This will not help either. Again, I've heard sobs stories so much that I'm numb to them and I really won't care. This will not help me because I will be hearing things I already know.)

All I'm looking for here is your advice and you're input.
How can I care?
How can I be more social and patient with people?
How can I love myself?
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