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tamz Offline
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pretty lost atm - need a helping hand - June 2nd 2011, 09:32 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Really don't know where to put this tbh, feeling a little lost atm. Okay, so more than a little, quite a lot actually and I could really do with some support to help me find my way again.

I was sexually assaulted by my best friend over a year ago. I had a really weird dream last night and it's really made me question everything. Basically, it was me & him in this dream. There was like a sorta presence that something had happened and I was trying to be cautious with my feelings, like we were both holding back from something. But at the same time we were laughing and joking, like good mates again, kinda like we used to. When I woke up and since then, I've been really confused. I keep thinking, did that really happen last year. Is it just some massive f*cked up dream? Did I just blow the whole thing out of proportion. Seriously confused and lost at the moment. It feels like... I don't know... like I'm sort of living my life, doing things but like it's not me... I'm just sort of a bystander and everything's just happening around me. Sorry I don't really understand so I don't know how to explain it, I hope you can sort of understand what I'm trying to say. It's like this weird long term out of body experience :S

And there's this weird feeling with the self harm too. TRIGGER WARNING SH here;

I can self harm, but I just don't feel anything. Anything at all!! I've never had that before, I normally have such a low pain tolerance - I'm curled up in a ball for relatively mild period pains for example. It's like, I can see the blood, but even still, it's as if it's someone else's.

I guess this is just another symptom of the depression but it's just so weird. I've never had this before, I'm not sure what's worse, this or the teary moods. Yeah it's great not crying all the time, but at least then I felt something! I just, I don't know, I just want to stop feeling so weird!
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TiredBrownEyes Offline
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Re: pretty lost atm - need a helping hand - June 5th 2011, 12:39 AM

Hiya tamz,

It sounds like your experiencing depersonalization. It's basically where your body is on auto-pilot and your mind is watching type of deal.

Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is a malfunction or anomaly of the mechanism by which an individual has self-awareness. It is a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. Sufferers feel they have changed, and the world has become less real, vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance (wikipedia)
The feeling of being out of your body will pass, and I do hope you feel better soon *hugs*. But don't let a dream make you question what happened. If what happened between you and him was not what you wanted, then what he did was not ok. Is there anyone you can/are talking to about the experience and your feelings (professional-wise)? Let me know if you need anything else, I'm willing to help any time.
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