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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Through-Glass Offline
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Multiple Personalities. - July 8th 2011, 02:36 AM

I have always said that my mind is an intricate maze, full of twists and turns, swings in every direction. What I have never said out loud is that I feel cut-up, as if my mind and my heart are in pieces. Each piece is its own entity. Each piece has a name.


I never understood why certain characters from stories I have written stayed with me. My main character from my two novellas has always felt like a piece of me; but that’s just my passion for writing…right? The child from those stories wasn’t always so close to my heart; when I closed the final chapter at age fifteen, however, she began to affect tiny details of my life.


“Dissociative Identity Disorder”, more commonly known as multiple personalities, never crossed my mind. As a psychology student, I knew of the disorder, but never gave much thought to it. It was not until I met my two best friends, who are also my room-mates, that “DID” caught my attention; both husband and wife have multiple personalities.


I have learned to live with roughly twenty different personalities under one roof, not including my own. My moods and behaviors change and adapt when they “switch”. As always, I attributed my own rapid changes in behavior to mood swings; one psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, and another proclaimed Bipolar Disorder. Both seemed quite possible, considering that I “swing” several times each day.


Mood disorders, however, do not necessarily explain why I feel torn. They do not explain why I can become a completely different person depending on the situation. They do not explain why I have these names in my head that will not leave.


Each name is associated with different behaviors, experiences, and moods. I can sketch each one perfectly, listing likes, dislikes, and habits.

Madison
Emotional. Struggles with past abuse; she was raped by her ex-boyfriend at age seventeen. She is creative, and loves to write. Nurturing. Loves the color purple. Struggles with an eating disorder. Despite her preoccupation with the past and obsession with weight control, she is incredibly strong.

Lily
Lily is a child, and as such, enjoys child-like things; play-doh, coloring, Disney movies, etc. She is quiet and shy most of the time. Care-free. Enjoys feeling “taken care of”. Trusts easily; loves with her whole heart, and doesn’t understand the risks of doing so.

Jessi
I am talkative, more so than the others. I struggle with depression and self-injury. I’m more open when it comes to talking about my past and emotions. I love music, reading, and daydreaming. I tend to take things too personally, and can be easily hurt. If we are each a “personality”, I would be the original. I’ve been here the whole time.


Secrets are against the rules. But somehow, I know that if I attempt to explain this to my friends (or anyone, for that matter), they will be offended. They will label me a liar, a hypochondriac, an attention-seeker. I must remain silent, and hope that one day, the ghosts will leave.



But, some days, it weighs on me. I have only understood that I am split for a short time, but it is already becoming increasingly difficult to hide. I still explain away my switches as "mood swings", but it is still difficult to hide that I can be perfectly fine with eating one minute and not the other. Or how I can go from utterly depressed to playful in a matter of minutes.


I'm so afraid to tell them, afraid to tell anyone, afraid to admit to myself that I have fallen so far.



I suppose I am looking for guidance, the answer to the question; should I tell? If so, who? How?



Any responses will be appreciated.


(For the record, this is Jessi writing.)


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
  Send a message via Yahoo to Through-Glass  
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 8th 2011, 03:22 AM

This is the first time I've encountered a thread on here where someone suspected DID and were educated in psychology. First time, very refreshing for me. I'm sure you know psychiatric disorders aren't diagnosed just by meeting symptoms, there's the diagnostic criteria and some theory. In the case of DID, the theory is significant childhood abuse and it's evident early in life. The problem for me is you only considered DID as a possibility until you met 2 friends. I find it very hard to believe others did not suggest it before. I'm sure you also know there's a high speculation of PTSD with DID given the abuse factor.

The only way to know is to see a psychiatrist but keep in mind many don't consider DID as a legit disorder. Although I'm not a psychiatrist, I agree with this view, I do not consider DID as a legit disorder and consider it is likely something else. If you want DID to be considered, you'll have to see a specialist who focuses in dissociative disorders.


I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 8th 2011, 03:30 AM

Honestly, at this point, I'm not worried about diagnostics or treatment. I just want to learn how to live with the jumbled mess in my mind.

Although, I will say; DID is actually commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar disorder or some form of mood disorder. It is also commonly co-diagnosed with depression and eating disorders. I have been "diagnosed" with all of the above. It's not a long shot to say that perhaps my doctors were a bit off, especially considering how often I hid things and lied.

Whether I have a diagnosable case of DID or not isn't my point, though. I would just like advice on how to live with this, and whether or not I should continue keeping these things to myself.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
  Send a message via Yahoo to Through-Glass  
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 8th 2011, 01:17 PM

If you had DID would dissociative amnesia also be likely to be present?
If you have a dominant personality, it will commonly not allow any of the other personalities to know of its existence, including you yourself.
Also, people with Dissiciative Identity Disorder typically have many personalities, not just 3. The average amount of alters in patients is around 10.
So before you jump to any conclusions, I'd take those into consideration.
But it is true that bipolar is often misdiagnosed as DID, as you have pointed out. Perhaps if you are receiving therapy you could bring up dissociative disorders and try some behavioral treatment that could address both major depression/bipolar and DID. I'm not sure it's possible, but it's worth a shot.
My best wishes Jessi.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 8th 2011, 04:39 PM

You're misunderstanding me. I honestly couldn't care less about whether or not what's going on can be "officially" classified as DID. But I do switch, and my supposed "moods" have names. I just want advice on how to cope with whatever this is, whether it's DID or not.

And anyway, it probably couldn't be diagnosed as DID, because I don't *usually* dissociate. I can see what's going on when Madison and Lily are out. I'm aware of my surroundings and know what is going on at any given time. I'm just not the one in control of my actions.

I was also told today that my voice changes. Emily (one of my room-mates/best friends) talked to me about it today. She said that when her and Kyle's (her husband's) younger personalities are out, my voice becomes lighter and more child-like. I just told her that I can't help it.

As I said in my original post, my switches tend to coincide with whatever situation I am in. So when Susy and Timmy are out, Lily likes to be out, too. She doesn't get a chance to be around other children very much, because Madison and I are both older. So I think that's why she comes out when they switch.


[/url]
"For the first time
in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it,
but I'm gonna try
to get better and overcome each moment
in my own way"

Motion City Soundtrack, "Even If It Kills Me"
  Send a message via Yahoo to Through-Glass  
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 11th 2011, 03:50 AM

Well, Depression and Bipolar Disorder can't co-exist, as you should probably know. So, maybe going to somebody, sitting down, talking about all the diagnosis stuff, and talk about the things mentioned here, should give you a better perspective.


Dare to be Different, to be Weird, to be a Freak.
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 13th 2011, 05:18 PM

You want members on a website to tell you how you can cope with a complex issue. Unfortunately, it would be irresponsible for anyone to give you specific advice when they aren't around you on a regular basis, observing how your personality differs throughout the day. I know you said you're not looking for a diagnosis or treatment... but I think the best person to talk to would be a psychological professional. If you don't want an assessment, then at least meet with someone who specializes in DID and ask him/her how someone with DID could learn to cope with their multiple personalities. The thing is, most professionals seek to integrate the multiple personalities, since each personality is meant to serve a distinct purpose (ex. one personality deals with the abuse, another personality deals with the social interactions, another personality deals with stress in romantic relationships). A psychological professional would probably suggest that, rather than dealing with the multiple personalities, you work toward integrating them and becoming "Jessi" again.





   
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Re: Multiple Personalities. - July 14th 2011, 12:40 AM

I know.

PM me if you wish.

Mine have names too. I do not wish to discuss them openly yet but I can help you. Since I was nine I've lived with it, ten years in total going on eleven.

I don't care what diagnosis people give it, DID, MPD, PHD, KFC, who cares. You are who you are, and no one can diagnose you. They tried for me.. it was.. painful.

I've already rambled too much. Please, I encourage you to talk to me. I know EXACTLY what you are saying. I would love to meet your friends. And introduce you to mine.


Slowly, the people collected, amassing a vast number of bodies before him. And yet still, he waited until there was no point to waiting further. Now was the moment he stalled for not days, not months, but years. Raising his hand to into the air, he summoned fourth a unison cry.

"And let them fear who we have become. Let them wish they were among us. Let them run or submit. And let them know we can not be stopped. For we have become Legion. And we will never die."
   
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