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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Tigerlily. Offline
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Name: Cheye
Age: 23
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Location: Nevada

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Seriously messed up... - July 20th 2011, 02:42 AM

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I scare myself, a lot. I mean, I can have horrible thoughts, to the point I would swear I should be locked up. I mean like a few nights ago I had this dream that I was torturing people, some were innocent, and some were bullies. But like there was this one girl who, I don't remember her doing anything wrong, but I was forcing her to take pills, I had her on a cement ground and I would hit her and move parts of her in ways that could break a bone, and I saw nothing wrong with it, I'd keep doing it even though she screamed for me to stop, and one time I pinned her down then took her by the legs and twisted her so it could've broken her back and she screamed, "My back, you broke my back!" and she was crying and almost couldn't move but was moving a bit and all I said in response was, "It's not broken if it was, you couldn't move, besides, I won't break anything... yet" And then in the same dream this girl who I know in real life was putting on like lipstick and not paying attention, she bumped into someone, then into me, then into me again and started yelling out me so I took her wrist and smashed her hand with the lipstick against her chest and it snapped off, the lipstick I mean, and then I just said, "Here I'll give you something to be angry about," then it flashed to me torturing her too.

I shouldn't be having these dreams of me hurting and torturing these people, and I can come up with a nearly perfect plan on killing someone. I watch all the crime investigation shows and even started to study criminal psychology as far as I could and I just got it all, I absorbed it and figured out certain ways to dispose of things and how not to leave evidence, etc... I feel like a monster, half of me wants to be locked away to protect others and myself from me, but the other half is scared to death at the thought of being put away for being mentally insane. I mean I've tried to kill myself before and I worry about if I could do it to others, I get horribly angry, I have no control over myself and if I get really upset it's all a black out to me of what I did, one person wouldn't leave me alone and I pushed them into a spiky bush yet in seconds I made myself believe that they were about to hit me and that's why, but people saw it and he wasn't doing anything to me except asking why I was sad and mad. Just the other day I had a burger in the fridge, I was about to heat it up by taking off the buns so they wouldn't get soggy and because it had been made fresh the cheese melted to the bun, so I freaked out on it and damn near threw it against a wall, instead I just hit it a bunch and almost ripped it to shreds.

But my point is, I get angry over stupid things and when I get angry I get out of control, like I seriously throw things and rip things apart, the only other thing I would do in an angry fit of rage was cut myself and that's just as bad.

So what could be wrong with me? Should I be in a mental institution? If so, I am so scared. If so, I'd rather just kill myself.

Resident old person, back from much needed, multiple year hiatus.

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Re: Seriously messed up... - July 20th 2011, 07:06 AM

Ahhh....DAMMIT! I have this problem too. I dunno how to fix it though. So sorry for the wasted comment but I just want you to know that you're not alone in thinking these things...
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