i wish i couldn't speak. -
July 24th 2011, 04:53 AM
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I can't keep living like this. I feel like I've ruined my whole life already. Something has to be wrong with my brain. I'm not in control of my thoughts anymore, bad things are always in my head. No matter what I do, a bad thought creeps in and then the dam breaks and bad things are all I can think about. My mom just got out of jail. I realized the other day that i didnt miss her as much as I should have and that makes me feel like a bitch.
My mom believes her own lies, she believes my dad hit her and jumped on her stomach and all that shit. I live with my dad, I believe he never hit her. Ill never know. I don't want to live with an abuser so all I can do is believe my dad. I cut for the first time in a long time about a week ago. Me and my mom got in the biggest fight ever so when she drove me home, the first thing I did was cut two lines on my thigh on top of the scars from a few years back. I was suicidal that day and if my dad wouldn't have talked to me for a few hours I would've offed myself. I tried once when I was 11.
Okay let's get to my fucked up brain and my stupid mouth.I never want to hang out with people. I only talk to people at school, other than that I'd rather be alone. I wish I knew a way to severely damage my vocal chords because my opinions are what get me started in fights and arguments. Then I say things I regret and I'm ashamed. My family would be better without me. Shopping isn't even fun anymore. I'm not alive, I feel like I'm in limbo or purgatory or whatever. I want to. T I really don't know what will ever make me happy. I need something
constant in my life. But I don't trust anyone. Not my mom, not my dad, NO ONE. I hate seeing the judgement in people's eyes which is why I'm venting on here.
I've been diagnosed with depression before, I believe I still have it. My counsler recommends anxiety meds for my issues. My dad doesn't believe in meds so I self medicate with muscle relaxers so I can sleep instead of dealing with my feelings.