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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
G.Croftwell Offline
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Down about not being down? - July 25th 2011, 07:54 PM

I don't think I really have a mental condition, but I couldn't think of a better place to put this.

About a year ago, my current gf (she wasn't at the time but we knew that we liked each other) visited her cousin in a European country and got dragged into her first taste of late night partying, drinking, smoking and while she was there, drunk herself unconscious (she'd never drank before and didn't know her limit) and woke up to find blood on her bikini. Her hymen was broken, and we both assumed she was raped.

Ever since then, I've had a hatred for her cousin, who, in my mind, is at fault for complicating my life. She continues to party, and drink, and has now gotten into pot, and overall has become the type of person I'd generally not associate with, but I love her. The reason I blame him and his friends, is that they dragged her into it, and hey, she's a teen, 16 now (15 at the time) and her family life is enough of a mess that finding those easy ways to escape her problems has become addicting. Ever since that godforsaken trip and the getting mixed up into that stuff, she has gotten depressed and suicidal, (tried overdosing on pills), continued to drink, smoke, and do weed and hates her life. She was NOT like this before.

The reason I posted this was because I found out that her cousin's girlfriend went to sleep and never woke up, now in a vegetable state because of a brain tumor that suddenly erupted. My gf's cousin is of course going through hell, since apparently he really loved this girl. (Which is of course why he went partying with others, although apparently he never touched them?)

I feel depressed now, because I'm actually enjoying this a little too much. His girlfriend was a sweet and lovable girl, I had no issues with her, and when I think about what she has lost (only 19-20 years of age) and what her family must being going through, I want to feel bad, but I'm indifferent, I didn't really know her well at all, (I only know her from word of mouth and she sounded wonderful) but I at least want to feel sadness for such a horrible loss and situation.

When it comes to thinking about what HE'S going through, though, I can't help but smile and feel a sense of extreme satisfaction.

I know I should feel bad about this, but I how can I force myself to feel the correct way?
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chook14 Offline
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Re: Down about not being down? - July 27th 2011, 12:29 PM

hello. I'm really sorry about what happened to your gf When bad things happen to us or the people we love, it's natural to look for someone to blame. It's easier and often feels more satisfying to to focus all the anger and frustration and sadness onto someone, rather then just accepting the situation and trying to move on. You blame your gf's cousin for what happened to her, when in reality it probably wasn't exactly his fault. Unless the cousin actually forced her to drink and was the one who raped her, he can't really be blamed. He should have been watching out for her more that's for sure, and shouldn't have encouraged her to party with them, but he also couldn't have forseen how badly things would end. I doubt he's pleased about what happened, it's likely that he feels bad about it even. Young people, including myself, make terrible decisions quite frequently, and taking your girlfriend out drinking was a very poor decision on her cousins part. It sounds like your real problem isn't your inability to feel bad about her cousins misfortune, but your inability to move on from what happened a year ago. What happened to the cousins gf is terrible, and it's disrespectful to her to be happy that her death is making the cousin upset. If you didn't really know her, it's not like you have to mourn her loss, but it shouldn't make you happy either. When bad things happen people want revenge...I guess you might feel like you've gotten revenge indirectly, because now he feels as bad as you did about your gfs situation. If you believe in karma, then you might choose to think of this as the universe putting things right, even through terrible means. If you want to feel bad for him though (or feel the correct way as you put it), you're going to have to try and move on and stop blaming him for happened. You don't have to forgive him, but you'll have to accept that what happened has happened and nothings going to change it, especially not revenge or anger. Once you've managed to put it behind you, it will probably really help your gf cope and try to move on as well. I remember hearing this somewhere and thought it was nice: you might think that there are only two options, bottling your anger up inside, or letting it out. But there's a third option - you can just let it go.
I know it's not that easy, but its definitely something that will be good for you and gf both in the long run. Good luck with everything, I wish your gf all the best too.

"He who does not weep, does not see" - Victor Hugo, Les Miserables.

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Dream Offline
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Re: Down about not being down? - July 27th 2011, 12:36 PM

First, you're blaming him for your girlfriends behavior when really she is responsible for it, not him. Even if he did trigger it by taking her out, and even if he is an idiot or whatever, there are still lots of people who only care about those kinds of things, and it isn't as if they intended for these bad things to happen (even if they were stupid about it). I do agree though that they should have been more responsible.

Second, you can't force yourself to feel a certain way. Well you can to an extent, but you know what I mean.

Third and most importantly, your girlfriend needs some serious help. She needs your support, and she may need other help as well. I hope things get better and work out for the best.

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