i have no idea what is wrong with me? (very long, sorry)

[meowmix]

I understand that nobody can accurately tell me what is wrong, but I just need to vent everything out. I have literally, nobody to talk to, and hell, although I have had a few people be all "oh, you can talk to me whenever you need it!", I just cannot do it. I have a hard time telling people anything, and even if I try, whatever I am thinking never comes out the way I want to in words. So, here is my attempt, right now, and it may not all come out in this one post, but I am trying my best. And it may run from one thing to another, but I will try to make sure it makes sense.

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I honestly do not like myself. There are people who can do everything - they get good grades, they can make friends, they can do things without being awkward or judged, but I am just not one of those people. I feel completely inadequate, it seems like whenever i Have a brief conversation with somebody, it seems as if they think I am weird, or that I make no sense. I hate being so awkward, and I have no clue how to stop. I hate how I walk into school on the first day and see two people merely strangers one day, and then within a few months, bam, they are best friends. And then there is me who just remains friendless. I mean, I am shy, but I know PLENTY of shy people who just get into a great conversation and it kind of goes somewhere, but I just cannot "click" with anybody.
So, I have a few "friends," but I do not consider them as friends, seeing as though they barely know me, and they seem to appear when their other friends are not talking to them. Hell, as I said, they barely know me, I have no idea HOW it happened, but somehow I turned into hiding behind this bitch persona. My "friends" think I am this brutally honest, emotionless rock, who does not care about a thing, and I feel as if that is the only thing they like about me, because it seems as if it entertains them. And I have NO IDEA why this happened, I guess it may be because I am so convinced that nobody cares about what I think or anything about myself. And this confuses me at the exact same time, because almost everything about people makes me sick. How they care so much about themselves, how they are so obnoxious, how they treat people like shit, how shallow they are, WHY do I want a friend or two, even if I hate people so much?
With that said, it seems as if I seriously get entertainment by pissing other people off. About an hour ago, I pulled this whole bitchfit to my "friend" and just threw everything I could not stand about her to her face, I plain out mocked her, and I was even tempted to mock her on her boyfriend's Facebook wall (that is a story I rather not get into). Thing is, I don't feel bad. Nothing I do makes me feel bad. It made me feel better, actually.


And when it comes to everything else? Everybody appears so stupid to me, yet they manage to get good grades or be in all honors classes? I have no idea why, and I hate this term, but I get kind of "jealous" that somebody is in an honors class, ESPECIALLY if they appear to be this shallow airhead to me, yet there is me, who all my guidance counselors find to be stupid and has pure Cs and Ds? I mean, I try. But then it turns into me getting pissed at myself and totally neglecting my homework, or the fact that it takes so long because my head starts to hurt whenever I try to fully focus on it. Or I just get so caught up in trying to make it "perfect," that it turns out to be the opposite. So far this school year, I am doing quite fine, yet the last few days I am finding myself to be slipping. I decided that I cannot worry about anything but RIGHT NOW, but then the future comes into my mind, I flip out, and then I do not even do anything. And then I realize that I am not the smartest person. And how all these "idiots" may actually be smarter than myself. But, WHY? Why can't I be smart? Why do I have to be awkward? Why do I have to be bad at practically anything I try? Why am I such a waste of a person? Why can anybody just talk to somebody to leave a post on a forum or anywhere and get taken seriously, and then I never get acknowledged, let alone being seen as somebody that is actually worth a thing or two. I don't fit. And I don't think I ever will. Why am I even here? I cannot even handle this anymore...

[Golem]

Hey there meow

In my opinion your being abit hard on your self , its completely normal to be frustrated about your grades , hell i know what its like .
However your probably heard this before: grades do not equal intelligence. The fact some people have the skill to remember things well, in the short run and ace their test doesn't make them a Einstein. In fact Einstein alone was what you could describe as dumb he couldnt tie his own shoe laces but hey, everyone sees him as the smartest person on the planet

In my opinion you are intelligent , it takes intelligent and self aware person to be able to confront their mistakes / weaknesses. My advice would be to just keep on going, not getting depressed about your grades just cuz other people get their honors. I understand its hard as your parents probably want you to get the best results and you along side with them.This doesn't mean you should be happy about Ds etc but be self aware and if it happens look what you did wrong and try to improve its not about what people should think when they see your grade but about what you take from school what you learn and are able to apply it to your life later on. It may seem half of the stuff you learn is useless but it isnt you will be confronted with it again no matter what you choose to do.

Further on Being so called "Emotionless towards " people , there's a possibility you are the same kind of a person like me, simply lacking Emotion about certain stuff that are considered normal in our society( This would be a different Topic) or you basically just don't care about the people because they aren't important in your life.

Anyhow you should try being more confident about your self people who are strong and no ashamed of who they are tend to have the most friends no matter how different they are actually this difference is sometimes even attractive as its something unusual but only if your confident about it.

So my advice is just to be yourself dont be ashamed of the way you are , it also shows a stable state of a personality in which people can either fall in love with or hate , but you cant expect someone to love your personality if you question it yourself.
If you'll be able to achieve that ,you can form tight bonds with people who like the way you are or are just similar . Once you have these bonds / friendships i think you will no longer be emotionless towards them.

Hope i was of any help whatsoever
-Golem