I didn't know where else to go.

[stayliving]

I need help. I feel like my mind is slowly eating me alive and I can't control it anymore. Over the past two years, I have pushed everyone away from me that meant anything to me. Yesterday, my boyfriend and the only person I could talk to broke up with me because he couldn't handle me anymore. I can't even handle myself anymore, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up doing something stupid if I don't get help. I've looked for help. Therapists, psychologists, support groups, but there's nothing near me. The closest professional is over two hours away from me, and I don't think they'd even take my insurance if I were to go to them, and my parents don't know how deep my mental illnesses go.

It started when I was thirteen, but I ignored it and just pushed through it, thinking that I was stronger than it was. And for a while, I was. But not anymore.

I went to the doctor and he put me antidepressants this summer. I started out on Paxil and it made me just.. completely miserable. I was numb to everything and there would be days at a time where I wouldn't leave my bed or eat or do anything but stare at the ceiling, and I could handle all of that. But then it completely took away my libido and I was just... Not having that. So I got switched over to Wellbutrin.

I was on those for about two months and at first, they worked really, really well and I felt normal for the first time in my life, but then they turned me into a complete and total insomniac. I would just get two hours of sleep a night, and I would wake up two or three times in that span, and they also caused ringing in my ears that about drove me nuts. But then they stopped working. I would fly off at the smallest thing, and I found myself wanting to just... Punch anyone that said the slightest word to me. I couldn't keep my anger in check, and I felt myself spiraling downward again.

I went back to my doctor and now I'm on Viibrid, and I thought they were working at first, but now I'm not so sure. I think I'm worse than I was before I even started taking antidepressants.

I can't figure my mind out. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next I'm falling over the edge of hurting the people I care about most, and pushing them over the edge with me.

I need this to stop.
I need my life back.

[Nicole!]

Anti-depressent medications all work differently and all have side-effects. The best thing you can do is to just keep trying new ones until you find one that works for you. I used to be on anti-depressents and they worked for awhile, then just stopped and I gave up. Don't do what I did, because if you just quit altogether it will never get any better. You have to just keep trying and hang in there, one you find one that works for you it will be okay

[PSY]

Wait... your doctor started giving you antidepressants without even assessing/diagnosing you? That's incredibly dangerous! You may not have major depressive disorder - it could be a different mood disorder, or something else entirely. I know you said that all the "professionals" are far from you, but would it be possible to get in touch with someone and explain your situation to them? Could you stay with another family member, a friend, or rent a cheap motel room for a week so that a psychological professional can properly assess and diagnose you? Could you get in touch with someone and ask your current doctor to collaborate with them?

Every antidepressant has different side effects, and it can take a while to find the right one (or combination). My main concern, however, is that antidepressants may not even be what you need. Maybe you need antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, etc. in addition to or instead of the antidepressants. You and your doctor need to investigate every possible option in order to find the solution that's best for you.

Good luck!