Triggering: (suicide and self-harm) Pictures in my head

[GirlInTheHi-Tops]

So. This has a story attached to it.
About a year ago I was pretty darn suicidal, and one of the things that would happen is I would be constantly fantasizing violence to myself. Not self-harm, exactly, but violence. Like, I'd be driving to school, and every car that approached I would see the collision, and all the broken glass, and I'd picture how my body would land on the concrete. I'd see myself hanged from light poles. I'd see myself with a gun to my head. Not hallucinations, just really vivid imaginings. It was completely terrifying, but at the time I liked it (in a sick way) because I wanted it to happen.
Well, long story short, I went to therapy and got on meds and although I still struggle with depression, I'm not longer suicidal. I was actually doing okay for awhile there.
But now the pictures are coming back. But this time it doesn't make sense, because I'm not constantly thinking about the ways to off myself, but I can't help it. At all. But my mind is still introducing all of these images of broken fingers and stabbing myself and just all these horrible things. I can't make them stop, I don't know what's causing them, I just know that it's really scary. I'm freaked out that I'm going to lose control of myself and go completely nuts and actually follow through with one of them and then I'll be dead or locked up in a psych ward and it would be bad.
I told my therapist about them, and she agrees it's not good, and she thinks it might be caused by my medication. But then when I talked to the guy who prescribes it (someone different) he said nope, it's stress, and here's some more drugs to make me really mellow (Addavan? I can't spell it). But the thing is that I basically had to be forced onto the antidepressants, and while I'm glad they work I don't think I can add another pill to the mix, especially when I don't really think this guy knows what he's talking about (we spent, like, five minutes on the subject before he gave me a prescription).
Has anyone else had anything like this? What was it? Please tell me you fixed it easily with an all-natural supplement and I'm not going insane.
Also, if anyone's thinking it's related to self-harming urges, it's not- I've self-harmed (not in awhile, though!), and that comes from a completely different part of my mind than these pictures. So I don't think it's that.

[Coal]

Yes, I'm the exact same way. I used to be suicidal and self harmed as well and used to "see" things like that, but for some reason, the images never went away with the depression. I'm just trying to block them out because I can't go to therapy (because of my parents), but that doesn't always work. I honestly can't think of anything that could cause them because I'm not on any medication, maybe it is stress? Sorry I can't be of more help and the best of luck to you.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

You mentioned when the images first started you enjoyed them. For these new images, do you also enjoy them? Humans like to seek things we like, even if harmful. It is interesting you have these images when you don't want to self-harm or off yourself, in which case stress would be a more likely candidate for the cause because with enough stress, reality can be distorted.

Anti-depressants can increase suicidal and self-harming thoughts or hallucinations, so I'm not sure why he denied that. Ativan/lorazepam is a potent anti-anxiety medication and is in the benzodiazepine family (all this means is that you'll feel tired and may sleep longer but only take it for up to around 4 months). It does have side-effects including hallucinations, depressed mood and suicidal or self-harming thoughts, however, these hopefully are minimized by the therapeutic effects.

I'm confused, are you taking Ativan and an anti-depressant together? Depending on the type of anti-depressant, you'll get a drug-drug interaction and while not all interactions are harmful, some can be. Do you know the name of the anti-depressant you're taking? If so, I can tell you whether it is likely to interact and what the likely outcome would be.

In general, psychiatrists do not spend much time with their patients because they tend to over-book on purpose. Unless you have an interesting case or are in a facility (i.e. forensic psychiatric hospital), then you'll get much longer attention from them but I presume you're not in such a facility and your case isn't interesting enough to warrant a lengthy appointment with your psychiatrist.

[GirlInTheHi-Tops]

I'm taking the generic form of Xoloft, but since he was the one who prescribed it to me in the first place I don't think he would give me something with really negative interactions.
I've been on antidepressants for over six months, though, and they haven't increased my negative thoughts/compulsions until now. I thought the increased risk was only in the first few weeks?
And I don't like the pictures anymore. I never really did, but I used figure I deserved them or needed to see them or something, so part of me was pleased that they were happening. But now I don't think that and so they just really, really freak me out.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

There is an interaction between Zoloft and Ativan in theory since they share common metabolic enzymes (i.e. CYP2C19, CYP2D6 and CYP2C9). It's advised to not take such an interaction but from what I know it shouldn't be a terribly strong interaction so you should be fine. Doctors may intentionally prescribe medications that interact to increase the therapeutic benefit because they estimate it won't be harmful, however other interactions can be quite harmful. One such harmful interaction is one that I saw from my medical pharmacology profs with Warfarin (anti-coagulant) and Phenytoin (anti-convulsant), but that story is for another time.

[Ella.x]

I have similar compulsions/overactive imagination, so I can relate to what you're going through. Mine is triggered by stress. When it happens to me, I generally try to ground myself by focussing on reality. I don't really know how to explain it, but I think it's called mindfulness. I doesn't always work, but it does sometimes. One of the things I use to help calm me down when I'm stressed/anxious is something called rescue remedy. Its a herbal spray that you spray on your tongue and it helps you to relax, which can help if stress is a trigger for you. Other than that, I'm still trying to figure out how to get mine to stop. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.