Triggering (SH): I'm scared...

[little.seeker]

I've self harmed before and have major issues with depression but I've never had any issues with OCD before. Like minor ones maybe about things having to be done a certain way or "obsessively" only ever cuting in the same place. But to me, that just was who I was. but last night I went into this state of mind that can only be explained as an ocd attack. I kept pressing the button on this fan but it was unplugged so it wouldn't turn on. I did that for an hour. I fought my boyfriend to be able to press the button and it made us fight really badly. The only way he could get me to stop was to plug it in. I snapped out of it after and blinked at him and had no idea how much time had passed. I don't know what to think of this but I'm scared. What if that happened in front of my parents? What if it happened at work? Was it just a one time thing? I don't know...

[Whisperer]

Just because you had that happen one time doesn't necessarily mean you have OCD. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's nothing to worry about. So what happens if it's in front of your parents? That just shows them what's really going on and why you may feel the way you do. Maybe if they see that they will be more understanding. I think if you are so worried about it you should talk to a doctor. They will know whether or not it will come back. If it's not bad enough to affect you functioning in every day life, you shouldn't need medicine or anything unless you want. Like I said, I'm not a doctor so I think you should talk to a professional but honestly I think it's nothing to worry about.

[little.seeker]

My parents wouldn't understand. They'd yell and get mad at me blaming me cause it's all my fault my fault. And I'm not allowed to see the psychiatrist I was seeing because my mom made it too hard on me. Pray about it and you'll be heal. Pray harder and all your pain will be taken away. You don't pray enough....you don't trust enough...blah blah blah is what she says. And the psychologist closed my file because I cancelled an appointment and wasn't able to re-book til the following week
Your right though that it probably was just a one time thing. I dunno...I've got so many more issues than just that it's easy to get distracted from it.

[Whisperer]

Well, it's definitely NOT YOUR FAULT. Give you psychologist a call. Just because you missed one appointment doesn't mean she should stop seeing you. I see you're 19 also, do you go to school anywhere? Highschools and colleges often have support with trained professionals. It can be very difficult when you parents are very religious and you aren't. Hang in there though!

[little.seeker]

No it's complicated with the psychologist. It was a free short term counselling by my dads insurance. I can't. And I signed a contract that says I'm not allowed to contact her anymore. When the file was closed, I was not allowed to contact her again. And she closed the file after I missed the appointment because she thought I wanted it like that. It was all really stupid.

I'm no longer in High school though I miss it desperately. I loved talking to the guidance counselor . And I don't go to college.

I think I might be able to go back to my psychiatrist though....

[Whisperer]

Okay definitely try to contact your psychiatrist that's a good idea. You could always research online psychologists near you. Since you're 19 you shouldn't need your parents approval so they won't have to know. There will always be help out there don't ever think you are alone.

[little.seeker]

Well I'm going to my doctor today. They have a psychiatrist there and if I get a doctors referral, alberta health care pays for it. And she might be affiliated with a psychologist. But I'll talk to my doctor about it. I didn't realize it's been so bad. But yesterday I cut again worse than I've ever cut before. I wrote "liar" on my leg. So it might be time to try to get help again

[Whisperer]

I agree that it's time to get help. If your doctor won't listen to you, show her. I'm sure your doctor has many connections and can work something out for you.

[little.seeker]

I got too scared to talk to my doctor