Unsure.

[AlenRose_XX]

Thought I'd bring this up. Ya know, list all the cons of the character that is me. There are quite a few. Maybe I'll feel better writing them out and maybe it'll help me remember...

Recently it's stopped but usually I've got no control over my emotions, one moment I'm happy and hyper and loveable and just so blissful it's great. The next moment I want to kill everyone within a centimeter of me. I go from angry, to depressed, to smiles and giggles all in record time.

My anger worries me, I always feel the need to break something, anything, everything, I can get my hands on. I used to SH but I quit February 22nd. The amount of violent urges that overcome me frightens, and annoys me, to be frank. I really wish they'd just go away. It's like I'm overreacting but I can't stop it. Like a six year old trying to hold back a WWE wrestler. Def useless.

My depression....well, I've been suicidal since I hit the double digits. I'm not really suicidal anymore at all though. I do have the occasional break down and have suicidal thoughts, but who doesn't right?

Also, I think I may have paranoia or schizophrenia. Sounds dumb but I can't help it. I see things that aren't there and sometimes hear them as well. Day and night, more at night though. Once during the day I was in the car while my mom was driving home and I was looking out the window looking at a car, as I watched it, the light for it to go was red but it was still coming toward us, inches from us. I almost screamed and I freaked, then I blinked and it was gone. But when I wanna go downstairs at night I'm always afraid something is waiting in the dark (childish I know but I can't help it, maybe I'm just afraid of the dark) whatever it is, it has me running for my life to my room and closing and locking the door and breathing hard. I even run up the stairs sideways and look behind me the whole way.

What else....right, my personalities. The way I act can be so easily influenced. From, what I read, to what I watch on tv, to who I hang with. Sounds very dumb but for example, if I watch House, sometimes I act like him. I read a book and a character is in a paranoid suicidal state of mind, I will be as well, suddenly my thoughts will be like theirs, whatever that may be. I now become the character. It bugs me. I wanna be me....whoever that is......

Next are the voices in my head. Some of them have names and some of them just have personalities. Some are nice and some of them are constantly reminding me that I'm a "worthless, pathetic bitch" amoung other choice words and phrases. Some are nice, some are my other personalities, like my childish one that sometimes takes over and I start acting like I'm five but the main one talks to me and says it's okay. It's more complicated then it sounds and not as crazy or serious as most people with voices in their heads. Even though I sound pretty crazy about now....

Another thing with me is I absolutely hate being touched. It's weird and chooses it's own limits and time periods. For instance, when I walk around at school, or anywhere with lots of people, I clench my fists until my nails dig into my palms when people get to close. When people accidently bump into me or brush against me, even if it was just their item of clothing brushing mine, I attack where the contact was made with my nails, raking away at the spot.....I freak out..... I have kissed people and I can be touched sometimes and hugged and whatnot, but it depends on the person and my mood. It's like a paranoia and a phobia.... I don't know.


Now I'm afraid of what you guys will all think of me. But......I shouldn't hide this right? Shouldn't do what my mom does and ignore it and hope it'll go away, cause that doesn't work. I just don't want everyone to think I'm a freak and never speak to me or come near me again but this is what I go through. I hide it so well though.........not even my closest friends have any idea. No one would have any idea if I didn't tell them. Sometimes I wanna scream "CAN'T YOU SEE ALL THE THINGS WRONG WITH ME!? CAN'T YOU SEE I NEED HELP!! I NEED SOMETHING ANYTHING!!". But I stay silent because it's not their job to fix me, it's mine, and I'm just no good at it....


I'm so afraid to be rejected now.........I'm scared......lost? I don't know.



Please don't shun me..........



~Seb

[kimvia]

hey hun.... you should go to a shrink, i know it may seem awkward, but i went and it really did help! when you have anger issues like this and suddden and severe mood swings, you shouldn't mess around with mental stuff. A good friend of mine was hit in the face (breaking bones) by her boyfriend who had simmilar issues. you need to see a shrink and take care of this!
<3
pm me any time ok?

[drowningangel]

I definitely don't think you should ignore the symptoms you're experiencing. They seem as if they are beginning to affect the quality of your life, so at this point, I would advise seeing someone, even if it's just the guidance counselor at your school or calling a hotline. Let them know what is going on, why you're concerned, how long it's been happening, etc. Even print out this thread and take it with you, if it might help you explain what you're going through.

They have to know what is going on to be able to help you, and I usually don't advocate not listening to your parents... but in this case, I think you need to talk to somebody. You know you better than anybody does.

[Kathey]

It sounds to me like you're feeling pretty lost and trying to find an emotional balance. But things are kind of in an extreme state with this right now, and speaking to someone would be a very good idea, to help you get your head around it all, and to help steady you some.

[AlenRose_XX]

Thanks guys. I think I'll try one of the therapists one of my close friends suggested. I talk to this friend all the time and we're always there for each other. My mom should understand, now I just need to find the time to go to the therapist. Heh. :]