I really need someone to talk to :(

[MechanicalAnimal33]

I've been having a really rubbishy few months I suffer from depression, among numerous other related mental issues, and although I used to be on antidepressants, I weaned myself off them because they either didn't work or the side effects were terrible.

I'm just so miserable lately. I feel absolutely isolated; although I'm at university and have many friends, so to speak, I still feel lonely all the time. I feel that they mean far more to me than I mean to them. I'm very sensitive about myself, especially my looks and my body, though I'm told I shouldn't be, which I just take for a nicety. My friends, as any group do, like to 'take the mick', but I often feel singled out, and the jokes tend to be far more personal when aimed at me, I find, especially if they reference my looks and/or body. One friend, who is supposedly my 'best friend' (we'll call her M), has gone from being just that in a few months to someone I secretly despise, namely because SHE got a boyfriend and I suddenly became the backup option. She changed after she got her boyfriend, and became a lot more insulting to me, and very condescending as if I was stupid, even though I get better grades than her. While her family are richer than mine, I resent her very superior attitude in this respect also.

While I love my parents, my mother is a very difficult person to get along with. She is extremely self-centered and stubborn, and accuses me of 'not being able to admit when I'm wrong', despite the fact it is SHE who can never be wrong! I realise this is what someone who 'can't be wrong' would say, but you'll just have to give me the benefit of the doubt. My father is quite subordinate to my mother, and thus when an inevitable argument breaks out, I often end up being 'ganged up on'. I feel like the black sheep of the family; my brother is very confident and successful considering his age, only a year and a bit older than me, and although I do get better grades on paper than him, his life seems to be going far more smoothly than mine. My passions lie in writing and such related creative things, but my brother often ridicules this.

Although I am openly gay to my friends, my family do not know at all. I have tried numerous times to tell my family, but my turbulent relationship with my mother means it is difficult to find the right time, and I suspect my father is something of a homophobe. Also, as a point of comparison, my brother is very heterosexual and a 'man's man'. I am 19, though only recently have I been able to accept my sexuality, and thus I am still a virgin to either sex. However, I have lied to all my friends, claiming that I am not a virgin in order to avoid further mockery, or worse, pity. I act confident superficially, but in reality I am painfully shy, especially when it comes to sex and relationship. The fact that I don't fit in with the gay stereotype does not help either- I hate the sleaze and needless flamboyance of much of the 'gay scene', and thus I find it very difficult to find, let alone meet, another gay man with similar views. I have very few gay friends, which further increases my isolation in terms being able to talk frankly about sex and relationships.

Right now, I feel that I don't mean particularly much to anyone and feel very insignificant. I feel unattractive to the point of being repulsive, and inferior to my friends and distant from my family. Everyone else I know seems to be so well established within themselves and their own identities. All I want it someone who understands how I feel, and who can see that past my seemingly happy, confident exterior, I am actually in a lot of pain on the inside.