Okay, well I'm happy because I had a recent slip up and instead of what I usually do, second guessing whether I want to recover or not, this time I just told myself that it was a slip up, they happen, but it's okay, and have kept on with recovery. But the thing that is worrying me and upsetting me is the fact that, in less than 2 months I'll be 16, and while that's great, it also means that I've dealt with eating disorders for half of my life. I just never realized that at such a young age, half of my life so far, would've been devoted to being thin at any cost, or eating my emotions, that I've had this bad relationship with food for half my life, and I'm still so young. I mean, it's upsetting to think that.
To know that ever since I was 8 (and that's just the last time I can remember, it may have started before then) years old, I felt not good enough, and had such a bad relationship with food. And I know this is a life long struggle, ED's don't just go away, they will always be there, it's an illness. And that's what scares me most about. I'll be 16 and already have dealt with this for half my life, it'll only be more of the majority of my life as I get older, then it won't be so bad though then because I'll be in recovery and hopefully eventually recovered, well as recovered as I can get, but I just. It's a hard thing to think about and accept. I never thought that when I was younger, at 16, I would've dealt with these kinds of problems for half of my life.
"It's all well and good to apologize to me but if at the end of the day I still mean so little to you, then treat me like a puppy and leave me on the street you dumped me on, don't come back to pick me up just so you can drop me on the concrete again." -Cheye Masters
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Re: Slightly worried/upset -
June 27th 2012, 03:02 PM
Hey Cheye, I'm happy to hear how you're dealing with your latest slip, that's great. As far as the other stuff goes I kind of know how you feel. My depression and suicidal thoughts hit me at 13, and I battled them until a year ago (to an extent still am) If you round it to 12, that was almost half my life. I lost my teens and part of my 20's to a disorder that could've destroyed me, but I try not to think about that in terms of what I lost, but what I gained. Now that I'm in recovery I can see that my experience can be used to help others and I solidified my career plans because of it, I was leaning towards counseling, but after actually feeling that (and having less than good support) made me realize that I wanted to help people avoid what I had just been through and I had a perspective that only experience could give me. I'm sure you can find something good in your disorders, some of that will come with time. And just because you've dealt with it for half of your life doesn't mean it's going to continue as you get older the percentage will shrink.
Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012
Associate LHO October 13, 2012
Re: Slightly worried/upset -
June 27th 2012, 04:11 PM
I completely understand what you're saying. I spent almost seven or eight years really struggling with different issues. Like Kate said in her post above, as the years go by and you're in recovery/recovered, the percentage will shrink as you slowly take your life back.
I am in recovery and now that I'm older, I look back at all the years I spent feeling so depressed, worthless, unhealthy, and out of control, and it makes me so sad. I missed out on a lot of typical teen experiences because of it. At the same time though, now that I am far from where I've been, that keeps me motivated to live a healthy and happy life from here on out! I have so many years ahead of me and so many new and exciting experiences to have now that I'm able to. You can't change the past, so I've accepted that and chosen to move forward.
Like you said, relapses are a part of recovery. With the proper help, support, and healthy coping skills, you'll be able to handle them. Relapse plans are always a great way to help you when you face a challenging time.
No one really plans these sorts of things, Cheye. Yes, you've spent a lot of your life dealing with your eating disorder, but that doesn't mean you'll have to for the rest of your life. Don't let your fear or worry of a future relapse stop you from recovering now. Recovery is 100% possible, and it's not easy but it's worth it. One day you'll be able to look back and see just how much progress you've made!