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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Fenzy Offline
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Struggling with weight gain :/ - March 4th 2013, 09:05 PM

Feel free to move this to depression/suicide forum if you think I'll get better answers. I just put this here because the depression is due to the eating disorder.

Soo I posted here a week or two ago that I have gotten into recovery. I've barely gained any weight but just eating is making me feel sooo heavy and crappy all the time. I'm never happy in my own skin. I just feel disgusting. Honestly this is just sooooo frreeeakkkiinggg frustrating! I looked fine before. I wish I had never even told anybody now because I can't handle gaining weight. Everyone's always like "Oh you're sooo skinny" "You're a twig!" blah blah blah and they still do. But WHY can't I see that when I look in the mirror then? Or when I look down at myself? I wish these thoughts never even started! This is just soo depressing that I have started thinking about suicide again. I don't think I'd ever take action or anything but I think about if it'd be easier if I was gone. My parents wouldn't have to constantly worry about me and bitch at me about eating and I wouldn't have to deal with these crappy thoughts in my head and I wouldn't have to worry about my body. If I go to school in something that isn't baggy, then I will worry all day long about if people are looking at me. I suck in my stomach all day long. My dad says if he finds out I'm still purging he will send me to an inpatient clinic without a second thought.

What did I do to deserve all thisssss? Why did these stupid thoughts even have to drill their way into my head? I can never ever please myself and I just feel so shitty all the time. I'm so depressed now.

Pleeease help me. I want to feel good and comfortable about myself
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Adam the Fish Offline
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Re: Struggling with weight gain :/ - March 4th 2013, 09:43 PM

Hey Cassie,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

I'll answer a question at the bottom of your post first, because I think it's important - what have you done to deserve it? Absolutely nothing. You really don't deserve it. Don't blame yourself at all for the thoughts that you're thinking, because it's really not your fault.

I won't pretend that getting through this period is exactly going to be easy, as I'm sure you know and accept; nevertheless, you really do seem to have a lot of determination (even if you don't realise it!) and I believe that you do have the willpower to get through it.
There are loads of different techniques that you can try, but at the basis of all these you just need to convince yourself mentally that your body is amazing, attractive and most importantly healthy.
If you ever doubt it, quash the doubts and convince yourself again.
Not easy, I know, but the positivity is what will help the most.

The final thing I would say is that you shouldn't be afraid to accept further medical help if you think you'll need it. You might not particularly want to in the short-term, but think ahead as to whether getting some counselling or therapy, etc. will help you. There's a fairly high chance that it will, so take what opportunities you have.

Stay strong, and remember that your determination will get you through.

Skittlify me up...
Adam the Fish | 26/08/12 | 08/10/12 | 02/12/12 | 09/02/13 | 01/06/13 | 30/08/13 | 25/11/13
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Fenzy Offline
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Re: Struggling with weight gain :/ - March 4th 2013, 11:48 PM

Thank you<3
Its just hard ya know? Nobody wants to feel large, i just gotta get it through my head that I'm not :/
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Kindred Offline
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Re: Struggling with weight gain :/ - March 5th 2013, 03:02 PM

Hey sweets.

Kay. So first I wanna say I'm really really proud of you. Second, I wanna say something you won't believe: it passes. God it does. The first few months of re feeding I was suicidal, depressed, not wanting to get better anymore. I decided I'd tasted recovery and I didn't want anything to do with it.

But it passed. There was a really, really dark patch of my life during early recovery, and my mental state was a lot worse than when I was actually engaging in eating disorder behaviors. But it passed. I struggled through. Music, cuddles, comfort blankets, temper tantrums, old soft toys, friends, family, reassurance, the internet, games, books and distractions got me through. Put it this way: you're gonna feel crappy, yes. But you are getting better. If you stop and go back now, one day you're gonna have to start right from the beginning again, or die. And I know I'm being harsh, but there isn't an easy way to say it gorgeous.

From your parent's perspective, at least right now they might be in pain but at least they know you're getting better. If you die, they have no hope that things will get better. That pain will be one million times greater than the pain they feel now. Trust me on that, because I've had such long talks with my dad. And he's said it again and again, it was all worth it to get his daughter back. I survived. You can too, and the relief your parents will feel is indescribable.

As for the thoughts, they too will gradually learn to shut up. For me, this took time, distractions, and normality. I was firmly in treatment, reading all sorts of recovery orientated stuff, posting and trying to help on here with recovery, but my disorder still took up a lot of my life. The thoughts, despite me knowing them to be bullshit thanks to my hours of research, still persisted. For me, life didn't start getting better until I got back to normality: going out all the time with my friends, meeting boys and girls, truly living like a teenager.

You know the thoughts are bull. They're all part of this disorder, and one thing I do recommend is challenging them. Think about it. List evidence against the thought. Rationalize it and think about it carefully. Your parents, a friend or therapist can help if you struggle to do this alone.

Again from personal experience, best way to avoid that feeling is to distract. Eventually, it'll become second nature and won't bug you anymore until one day you just realize the thought is gone and doesn't come to you anymore. Like I just did writing this.

I hope this has helped a little, head up. <3

Take as long as you need.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Fenzy Offline
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Re: Struggling with weight gain :/ - March 5th 2013, 06:59 PM

Thanks the hardest part is the feeling of being heavy. Bleh. But i will try. You've helped me soo much<3 thank you
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Meldon Offline
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Re: Struggling with weight gain :/ - March 9th 2013, 05:06 AM

ccording to me that Protein looks fine, fat seems good too. More starchy carbs from yams or tubers or rice, or sugar from fruit will help your performance, and at least for me, are easier to consumer when feeling full. If you aren't gaining, you need to eat more. Plain and simple.It is very simple solutions for weight gain...
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