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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Question Am I developing an ED ? - March 12th 2013, 02:33 PM

I don't know if I'm even developing an eating disorder..
Well, I've been obsessed with my weight and physic for the last months.
I find my thighs are fat, what are they so huge ?

So sometimes, I need to eat a lot, even if i'm not hungry, the reasons are different sometimes because i broke my strict diet, another time because the bulliers at school have been so mean with me, and other time because i was eating normally and then I slipped and eat like a pig.
Is eating a plate of pasta, 7 cookies, 3 big slices of bread with cheese on it a binge ? I mean, I wasn't even hungry, i just needed to eat and eat.

At the beginning, I was trying to purge but I never could, so i was running with the hope everything will go away or keeping it in my stomach (which hurts a lot) and tell myself : "see, you ate like a pig for no reason, all these calories are going to go in your body and make you ugly, so now you have to pay for it, so don't complain about your stomach ache !!!)
But everytime i was trying to purge, i was getting closer and closer to the achievement and then i succeeded! It was after I had some ice cream with one of my friend and was feeling sick, so i sticked my finger in throat and it worked ! I did it the next day after dinner to see if it it was still working and again the next day i was in my shower and i was like "why not do ?".
I'm getting better at it. I'm not getting to the point where I need to do it after every meal, but if i feel i had a heavy meal and try to get rid of it but can't, it frustrates me.
Yesterday, i "binged" (20 cookies, 1 ice cream and i could have eaten more if had more food at home) and throw up everything. Even before binging i knew that i will purge. I don't even feel ashamed of purging, from the moment i'm done with doing it, I tell myself nothing happened, turn the page. I'm totally in control of it, even if i was listening to myself i'll do it everyday, I actually do it 4/5 times a week and I just started.
I really like it, it's my secret, my little own garden, my thing and it's making me less self harm.
Actually, I think I'm ok, even if i know it's not a normal behavior, I think i'm totally fine, I'm not at the hospital, not sick, haven't faint, so everything's alright.
What do YOU think? Can you just tell me if I'm binging also?
I'm sorry the post was very long, i guess i just needed to explain it well

Last edited by frison1313; March 12th 2013 at 03:43 PM.
   
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Re: Am I developing an ED ? - March 14th 2013, 12:33 AM

Just because you haven't been hospitalized and aren't feeling the effects yet doesn't mean that it isn't damaging to your health to be binging/purging like this. I can't diagnose you myself but I think you definitely recognize that this pattern isn't necessarily healthy or else you wouldn't be asking. You should definitely speak to a counsellor and/or a doctor and/or a nutritionist and they'll help you create healthier patterns.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Am I developing an ED ? - March 15th 2013, 03:43 PM

I would like but i want to keep it for me too
and i feel ashamed too
   
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