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Eating Disorders If you or someone close to you is struggling with an eating disorder, reach out here to ask questions or to receive support for recovery.

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Fenzy Offline
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Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 01:44 AM

I am soo down right now. I'm listening to all these songs about eating disorders and stuff and in a way it makes me feel better but also makes me feel worse.

Maybe it sounds weird but I LIKE the emotional roller coaster that comes with the anorexia. Feeling confused, depressed, lonely etc, is soo much better than feeling nothing at all. I don't want to give up the things that I do because then what would I have? There would be nothing to focus on, nothing significant about me, and just nothing in general. I'd have no reason to feel dramatic and emotional. Don't get me wrong, I don't walk around everywhere with a lost and confused look on my face, I hide behind smiles and such and sometimes those smiles are real. I'm normal, I act normal. I genuinely smile and laugh but I can be grumpy and pissy too. But those times when I'm alone and have nothing else to focus on is when I NEED those anorexic thoughts. I need the music and I just need to feel something or else I feel nothing at all.

Can anyone relate or am I just not makin' any sense?




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Re: Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 02:14 AM

Hey Cassie,
Believe it or not, I completely understand where you're coming from; I think it's sort of normal to (in a way) enjoy the feelings you get when you're getting that rush, or high, of emotion. I personally don't have anorexia or any eating disorders (as far as I know) but I do have depression and I do get a similar buzz
I also understand the need to be thing; I've been overweight for as long as I can remember and it does stuff to you. In a way it's also a way to control something in your life.
If I may ask, what makes you think that you feel nothing unless it's pain? It seems like you're genuinely a happy person when you let yourself unless you're alone. Why only when you're alone though? To help this, maybe you should refrain from listening to depressing songs and if you start feeling down then you should go and be around people.
I realize that you enjoy this feeling of loneliness and being upset, but I can tell you from experience that you don't want to go down this road. Trust me. It's not worth it, and I promise you that if you allow yourself to be happy and enjoy life then you're going to end up feeling much better about yourself and your appearance.
If you ever need anything, PM me anytime


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Re: Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 02:19 AM

Listening to triggering music isn't a healthy activity, and it will only make you feel worse. Sometimes, we get so used to feeling crappy all the time that we forget what it's like to feel happy. That's when we feel apathetic all the time, which is what you said you hate.
I can tell you right now, you'll definitely feel a lot better if you start listening to more upbeat music instead. It will influence you to feel good as well, whereas the music about anorexia will influence you to feel like you need this disorder, which you said. I can promise you one thing: you don't need this disorder.
Recovery is possible, which you know. The first step though is to want to get better. If you can manage to beat this, you'll have lot's more time on your hands to put into hobbies and such, whereas normally your thoughts are consumed by your eating disorder.
If none of that convinced you, think of it this way: nothing is changing regarding how you are feeling. That's because you need to take action in order to feel okay all of the time, rather than only sometimes. The roller-coaster emotions have only become comforting because it's what you are used to. You can't live this way forever though, your body won't be able to take it.


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Re: Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 02:58 AM

I'm physically healthy now for the most part despite being a little underweight but I understand that my mind should be a bit healthier as well.

I say that I feel nothing unless it's pain because I just don't feel like I am that happy anymore. I get lonely which is why I feel like I need something to fill the empty space. Because when I"m lonely there is nothing to distract me from those thoughts. I'm free to think and feel what I want because I'm not interacting with anyone or doing anything. What else am I supposed to do? And I'm not allowed to exercise right now either or else I would go out and jog or shoot hoops or something but I can't.

Thanks for the replies <3 I will try and take the advice into account
   
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Re: Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 03:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverconfused View Post
I'm physically healthy now for the most part despite being a little underweight but I understand that my mind should be a bit healthier as well.

You have to have lost 15% of a healthy body weight for your age and size to be considered anorexic. Have you been diagnosed? If you are only a little underweight, then it will be much easier to recover if you start now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverconfused View Post
I say that I feel nothing unless it's pain because I just don't feel like I am that happy anymore. I get lonely which is why I feel like I need something to fill the empty space. Because when I"m lonely there is nothing to distract me from those thoughts. I'm free to think and feel what I want because I'm not interacting with anyone or doing anything. What else am I supposed to do? And I'm not allowed to exercise right now either or else I would go out and jog or shoot hoops or something but I can't.

Thanks for the replies <3 I will try and take the advice into account

Exercise is healthy no matter what size you are. If you are underweight, it's important for you to build muscle to keep your body strong. You could try doing some yoga in your room, it's relaxing and effective.


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Re: Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 07:28 AM

I think i can totally understand, when people are around you, you can laugh, joke, smile, and when you're alone, it's like you're nothing, empty.
I would suggest you to find an activity that you can do alone, maybe you could write a book about your story, or help people onlinek, knit...
I'm happy that you choose recovery , it's worth it
   
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Re: Thiiin , where the hell have you beeeen - April 4th 2013, 03:50 PM

I have been in recovery for 3 months almost and I was diagnosed like 2 months ago. I have been told to not exercise at all by my doctor until I reach a certain weight. But at the moment, I am struggling to gain the weight.

Thank you<3

Last edited by Fenzy; April 5th 2013 at 12:49 AM.
   
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